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Millions of people search for love, surfing dating apps for that special romantic relationship. According to Statista, in 2023, a whopping 17% of the U.S. population used dating apps—nearly 60 million people. That’s a lot of swiping.
Suppose you’re lucky enough to find that special someone on the apps. After several dates, the relationship is still going strong. You’re on cloud nine. That’s right, you hit the jackpot.
If you want the relationship to last, it’s time to consider certain personality traits that make it nearly impossible to sustain intimacy. In other words, the apps may help you find someone, but your behavior determines the relationship’s future.
So before bemoaning your fate or blaming the apps for your romantic misfires, take notice of these negative personality traits that can derail any romantic relationship. If you identify with any of these traits, it’s time to get to work and learn new relationship skills.
How you manage yourself, particularly early in romantic relationships, will determine whether your romance burns brightly or burns out.
Group therapy: a place to learn new relationship skills
In my weekly therapy groups, single people can’t stop complaining about dating apps. They share stories of successful, disastrous, or just plain dull dates. Many feel the apps are a soul-sucking experience, a joyless, endless grind toward an inevitable breakup. Yet they can’t stop using them; they delete and reload them regularly.
Most dating app users join group therapy to get off the apps and learn how to have a healthier, more rewarding relationship. Finding a partner is challenging, but developing the tools to sustain and grow relationships requires learning and practice. And that’s what group therapy does best.
Group therapy helps you take a good look in the mirror in a way that individual therapy just can’t. Individual therapists frequently camouflage their true feelings and sometimes enable even destructive behaviors by not confronting them.
Group members are not obligated to hide their true feelings or coddle you. The adage, “What happens in group, happens in life,” is a guiding principle group therapists use to identify your social blunders and steer you toward emotional growth and maturity. In the group, all your bad relationship habits are fully displayed. Over time, group members will point them out to you; yes, honest feedback can be painful, but repeated romantic heartbreak is much worse.
Once those destructive traits are spotlighted, the group therapist can help you toss those bad habits and learn new relationship skills that improve intimacy and closeness.
So, before swiping on that new match, let’s consider the most troubling personality traits I’ve observed in my weekly relationship groups.
Personality traits that can doom romantic relationships
- Controlling personality: Initially, someone with a controlling personality is tolerable, and you can make it through the honeymoon dating period. But their efforts to constantly control you wear you down and break your spirit over time. High levels of anxiety frequently drive the controlling personality, which eventually makes the relationship unbearable for both partners.
- Relentless Neediness: Relentless neediness is another anxiety-driven trait often rooted in avoiding conflict, fears of abandonment, or an unstable identity. Rather than develop resilience, they latch onto you and constantly seek validation and affirmations of love. Again, it is tolerable at the beginning of a relationship but grows intolerable over time. Why? Because nothing is ever enough. Their well-being is so fragile that no matter how much you give, they reboot to neediness again and a thirst of need that is never quenched.
- Violent Temper Outbursts: It’s natural to have conflict in any romantic relationship and even occasion shouting matches. But people with violent tempers go too far. Physical violence, or the threat of physical violence, is never acceptable, and neither is emotional violence. The angry partner will stop at nothing to make their point, causing a rampage of hurt. Even after they apologize, the bitter sting of their toxic words eventually poisons the relationship.
- Substance Abuse: The addictive personality trait has a wide range. But when it comes to substance abuse, nearly any relationship could be doomed. Many true addicts can’t love anyone or anything more than drugs. This means when in active addiction, they will stop at nothing to get what they want. Anyone who dates an active addict is in for a world of emotional pain and should get to an AL-ANON meeting ASAP.
- Severe Untreated Personality Disorders: Personality disorders can be mild or severe. For example, a person with bipolar tendencies may have low-level manic episodes but, over time, can learn to regulate their emotions and stabilize themselves. However, people with severe untreated personality disorders find it almost impossible to control their destructive impulses, which makes sustaining a long-term healthy relationship nearly impossible. Intimacy is a major trigger for many personality disorders, which include borderline, narcissistic, or histrionic personality disorders. With treatment and medication, even severe personality disorders are manageable. Without it, the relationship may be a wild ride but will ultimately crash and burn.
Still looking for love? See “Why Seeking Unconditional Love Can Destroy Relationships.”
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
