I was a divorce attorney and mediator for thirty years. I also pastored a church. I’ve cried with hundreds of women as they told me similar stories. They’d tell me how much they had believed in love and the dream of a perfect — or at least workable — relationship. It fell apart, and all too often, she’d be out in the cold.
I repeatedly wished that these women had a backup plan for leaving. When things turned sideways, they had no way to escape, nowhere to run, and no cash to allow them to begin again.
As an attorney who has overseen more than 2,000 divorces, my most loving and fervent advice to women is to keep the assets they had before the marriage, if any, separate.
A good way to do this is through a prenuptial agreement, which is a legally binding contract two people enter into before getting married that maps out issues of property division, spousal support, and other financial matters if the marriage ends in divorce.
A prenuptial agreement lawyer can also include issues related to dividing retirement funds and how income is earned during a marriage. While it’s not a romantic thought, a prenup acts as insurance in case of a divorce, similar to car insurance, just in case.
Legal commentators and practitioners estimate that only 5-10% of the population enter into prenuptial agreements, and one study suggests that only 1.5% of marriage license applicants would consider entering into such agreements.
This failure to contract is particularly noteworthy in light of the prevalence of divorce; statistical projections by the U.S. Census Bureau suggest that nearly half of recent first marriages will end in divorce.
Before getting married, women should save up at least $10,000.
It is entirely fair not to tell him you have enough money to escape. If he knows about the money, I promise you it will end up being spent. I know I sound jaded, but I have seen this devastating pattern hundreds of times.
Yes, I know we want to go “all in” when we’re in love.
But giving up one’s way of escape if things go wrong creates a power imbalance and too often forces the wife to stay in a marriage she should leave.
Perceived power disadvantages early in the divorce process predicted more involvement of lawyers, less direct negotiations with the other party, and more hostile procedures in court, all of which are associated with higher financial costs during the divorce and a higher potential for further legal actions in post-divorce families.
Economic abuse encompasses behaviors that control a survivor’s “ability to acquire, use, and maintain resources, thus threatening their economic security and potential for self-sufficiency.” Among service-seeking samples, approximately 76 to 99% of survivors report experiencing economic abuse.
You’d be stunned at how many men change entirely for the worse when their wife adds all her assets to the relationship. It’s the secret tragedy of marriage. Then she’s trapped. Don’t allow yourself to be trapped.
Kelly Sophia Grace is a former lawyer, pastor, and counselor who has helped thousands of couples with relationship challenges. Her most recent book, Lessons Learned the Hard Way, was written in collaboration with documentarian Betsy Chasse.
