Source: WenPhotos/Pixabay
Everyone sees Marcus as a “nice guy.” But he tends to be over-responsible and knows he doesn’t like conflict—automatically accommodating when emotions rise, constantly walking on eggshells, and doing what he thinks he needs to do not to trigger the other person.
If Henry gets into an argument with his partner, Tara, he eventually hits some point where he shuts down. Tara admits that she has a quick temper—she easily flares up when her expectations aren’t met—and Henry’s silence only fuels her anger more.
We all have learned ways to manage our emotions and relationships in childhood, especially when we feel criticized, dismissed, neglected, micromanaged, or unappreciated. But as children, our options were limited; here are the three most common childhood coping styles.
Be good
This is Marcus. If you’re the oldest or only child or had critical, demanding, or angry parents, there’s a good chance that this is your default: following the rules and doing what was expected. You stayed on your toes and adopted an “I’m happy if you’re happy” way of living. All this is about avoiding conflict, and as an adult, you still do the same.
Withdraw
This is Henry. Maybe he grew up in an emotionally volatile family like Marcus, but unlike Marcus, who learned to walk on eggshells, Henry coped by retreating physically into his room, emotionally shutting down, and saying “I don’t know” when cornered, micromanaged, or criticized. But, like Marcus, he tends to go along and is passive.
Get angry
Tara pushes back. Siblings bounce off each other and need to be different, so if she had siblings like Marcus or Henry or was a second child, she quickly adopted an angry response as her coping method.
What these different styles often have in common is an underlying hypervigilance. In unstable or volatile families, the child learns to always read the emotional room, look around corners, and anticipate potential problems and then reacts by being good, withdrawing, or getting angry. While these behaviors helped you protect yourself as a child, you didn’t turn them off as an adult; when triggered and feeling hurt or fearful, you overreact and shift into your good, withdrawn, or angry mode.
Coping styles and relationships
The challenge of most close relationships is that each style triggers the others. Here are the combinations:
- Anger and good: Marcus’s supervisor probably appreciates his compliance and over-responsibility, but his partner feels frustrated. The partner is a team of one and probably feels lonely and angry because they feel like they are doing all of the initiating. For his part, Marcus is afraid to speak up, constantly walks on eggshells, and deep down feels resentful because he is living his partner’s relationship rather than his own.
- Anger and withdrawal: This is Tara and Henry. The pattern is clear: Tara gets angry, triggering an argument. Henry gets defensive and tries to push back, but when he reaches his emotional limit and shuts down, Tara feels Henry is not listening, feeding a downward spiral. Over time, this pattern creates a lack of intimacy; Tara doesn’t know what Henry thinks or feels, and Henry doesn’t feel safe coming out of his shell.
- Anger and anger: A lethal combination. If Tara were partnered with someone like her, they would be having constant arguments and power struggles over whose reality is right—struggles that could lead to domestic violence.
- Good and good: Everyone is accommodating and nice—there is no drama. But there is little honesty or real intimacy. Issues are swept under the rug, and they use distance to avoid conflict. Peace comes at the cost of neither one fully living the life they desire.
- Withdrawal and good: A stale relationship. Everyone goes through the motions. They don’t get what they need but tolerate what they get.
- Withdrawal and withdrawal: Like withdrawal and good but worse, this is just a shell of a relationship or a focusing on outside distractors and interests—raising children and becoming Mom and Pop, or focusing on their careers; they give up being a couple.
How to break out: Updating the software
The underlying problem is that childhood coping styles no longer work in adulthood. This is like old software on a computer. The key is upgrading the software.
How?
- Identify your style and realize that it no longer works. Henry needs to realize that his withdrawal is handicapping him just as Tara’s or Marcus’s default does the same.
- Let those close to you know what triggers you. You want to work both sides of the equation: Tara lets Henry know in a concrete way how his shut-down fuels her anger, and Henry tells her what triggers his withdrawal. They make a pact not to trigger each other. Marcus needs to do the same.
- Rewire your brain by doing the opposite of what you usually do. If you tend to walk on eggshells, your challenge is to be assertive, tell others what you need, learn to tolerate strong emotions, and stop walking on eggshells. If you get angry, learn to self-regulate and use anger as information to tell others what you need. If you withdraw, try stepping up and speaking up rather than pulling back.
You’re trying to do now what you couldn’t do when you were a child—to let others know what you need and feel. By acting like the adult you are, you heal old wounds and no longer feel like a 10-year-old.
It’s OK to take baby steps.
Finally, any opportunity to go against your grain, no matter how small, is a step toward upgrading your emotional software.
This is about you and learning how to run your life better. If not now, when?
