You discover your man is cheating, and you know he’s bad for you. Your friends tell you to dump him, but the truth is, you still want him.
If the pull is unbearably strong, maybe it’s not love that you feel, but addiction. Do you do any of the following?
Here are 10 signs you’re addicted to loving a cheater, according to psychology:
1. You confront him about the calls on his phone from other women
He comes up with excuses, and you know they’re lame, but you accept them anyway.
2. He says it’s your fault that he cheated on you
The worst part? You agree with him.
3. You keep telling yourself that if you could just be more loving, patient, attractive, etc., he would make you his one-and-only
That’s not how love works.
4. You apologize to him for things you didn’t do or say
You take the blame for all of his bad moods.
5. You tell him it’s over and storm out, only to call or text him, begging to get back together
This happens time and time again.
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6. You keep trying to prove that you’re better than the other woman (or women)
He didn’t see your worth back then, he certainly isn’t going to now.
7. You go overboard trying to help him
Even though he treats you badly.
8. Your friends and family question his behavior
You just make excuses for him.
9. You stalk him
In real life and online.
10. He promises that this time will be different, and he really will end it with her
You make yourself believe him. Again.
How does this happen? First of all, understand this: All romantic love is addictive.
Anyone who falls madly in love behaves just like an addict, according to research done by anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University. In her scientific articles, she explains the similarities between lovers and addicts:
- You’re both intensely focused on your reward — either your lover or the drug.
- You both feel mood swings, cravings, obsession, and compulsion.
- You both experience distortion of reality, emotional dependence, personality changes, risk-taking, and loss of self-control.
Romantic love can be a constructive addiction when your love is returned, Dr. Fisher says. But if your love isn’t returned, the addiction can be highly destructive.
Dr. Fisher explains your first reaction to rejected love is “protest” — you obsessively try to win back your partner. You may even feel more passionately in love than when you were together. Why? Because you’ve bonded to your lover.
All love is about bonding — the psychological and emotional attachment that you feel towards him. The psychological bond forms at the beginning of the relationship, when you feel the giddy pleasure of a new romance.
But what happens when you discover your man is cheating on you?
You may be angry, but you may also feel fear and anxiety about possibly losing your relationship. And surprisingly, this doesn’t drive you away from your lover.
According to research from the National Library of Medicine, fear and anxiety strengthen the psychological bond that you feel for him.
When the guy is a cheater, this becomes a vicious cycle:
- In the beginning, before you knew of his deception, the pleasure of your new romance created a psychological bond.
- He cheats and you feel fear and anxiety, which strengthens the bond.
- You kiss and make up, which strengthens the bond again.
- He takes you on a rollercoaster of cheating and reuniting. With each go-round, the psychological bond you feel gets stronger and stronger.
The vicious cycle of cheating and reuniting could lead to a “trauma bond.” Some cheaters aren’t just guys who can’t make up their minds; some cheaters are exploiters.
“Exploitative relationships create betrayal bonds,” says Dr. Patrick J. Carnes in his book called The Betrayal Bond. Also described as a trauma bond, this occurs when you bond with someone destructive to you.
Trauma bonds, Dr. Carnes explains, are addictive. You feel a compulsion to continue the relationship, despite the adverse consequences. You’re obsessed with the relationship.
If you recognize yourself in this article, you’re probably already aware that your involvement with this man isn’t healthy. So, what do you do? You treat it like an addiction.
You “go on the wagon” by breaking off the relationship and having no contact with this man.
This may seem daunting. How can you possibly cut him out of your life? The answer is to take it one day at a time, just like in a 12-step program. And if you need support, seek competent help.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you’ve done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233.
Donna Andersen is a writer and author who offers advice on escape and recovery from sociopaths, psychopaths, or narcissists. She has appeared on TV shows like ABC 20/20 and The Ricki Lake Show, as well as in digital and print media publications like Psychology Today, Marie Claire, Thought Catalog, and Daily Mail.
