Even though we all want the same thing, to feel valued by someone else, not everyone can be trusted. Some people lie and are deceptive: Even when being treated with respect, they may strive to take advantage of you.
Positive facial expressions are also an indication of respect, or at least of not being a threat. Trustworthiness is more easily attributed to happy rather than angry faces.1 In fact, when someone is lying to you, it is more likely you will believe them if they do not appear angry. We have all had the experience of telling the truth but being so outraged by an accusation that we shoot ourselves in the foot by appearing angry. “Me think the Lady doth protest too much.” So, if you want people to believe you, stay calm!
We have a brain chemical of trust called oxytocin (OT). Trusting someone is a part of being human. How other people interpret your face can increase their own OT levels, enhancing the relationship and connection between you. OT makes it easier to connect with other people, but there may be a dark side: It may be more difficult to recognize when someone is lying.2
And the way we are feeling can sometimes influence the way we interpret another person’s face. Secure people see more opportunity for connection. Anxious people see more threats.
This anxiety can create a bias.
People trust those who look like them and are more likely to read threats when people are unfamiliar or a different skin color. The biological underpinnings of whom to trust have implications for our current ethnic and cultural conflict.3 People are more likely to trust a face that resembles their own.
This unfortunate but real component of humanity has a biological and evolutionary origin. Millions of years ago, those who chose to trust their own group survived more than those who trusted every group.
Sound familiar, especially today in a world of perceived conflict?
But we don’t need to keep doing this.
Just being aware of these evolutionary influences can potentially overcome the disrespect of prejudice. We are not so different. We all want the same thing: to feel valued by someone else. We all want to feel valued. This universal truth means we are not hundreds or thousands of different groups. We are one group called humanity.
Lie Detector Tests: Tricks to Keep It Frontal
You are the lie detector.
Most people are really not that good at controlling their faces when they lie.
Write down the times you were sure someone was lying to you and how you think you knew. Did they blink more? Was there a look “behind the eyes” indicating a leaking of their true motivations? Think about why they would lie—what gain would they get? Sometimes lies are a way to keep you thinking and feeling about a person a certain way. A secret is not a secret because of what we have done: A secret is a secret because we worry how will someone view us differently if they know our secret!
Check in with your own feelings: Are you more anxious or getting angrier? Remember that if you feel this way, your own response will have an impact on how the other person reacts. If you become disrespectful, they will naturally become more defensive because that is how brains react to a perception of threat. But if you remain calm, level-brained, and respectful, the truth is more likely to come out.
Being respectful does not always work, but the converse of being disrespectful never works. Even if you are being lied to, treat that person with respect. You don’t have to like what someone else does, or condone it, but if you respect that it is the best they can do given their circumstances, your own brain is less likely to go limbic and you can “keep it frontal.”
Keep it frontal, don’t go limbic!
