What Is “The Penny Method” in Dating?

It’s no secret that dating in the digital age isn’t exactly delightful. We live in a world where options are seemingly plentiful, the grass is always greener the next swipe over, and dating manners have all but fallen to the wayside.

Romantic hopefuls must remain vigilant to ensure the other has their best interests in mind, and that they don’t fall prey to tactics like breadcrumbing, cuffing, benching, and ”the penny method.” If you’re not up to speed on the latter, we’re covering everything you need to know ahead.  

What Is the Penny Method? 

Also known as “penny dating” or the “piggy bank method,” the penny method is an approach to dating where one partner slowly cuts back on time and affection with the other. The idea is that the person may invest a lot of their energy up front, but then begins depositing small amounts of their affection in an effort to sustain the relationship with bare minimum effort. 

“These actions gradually reduce over time, but then can increase again if the person starts to lose interest because of lack of effort,” explains Sam Morris, a certified dating and relationship coach. “The theory evolves eventually to a point where they spend little to no effort but, because over time the manipulation has decreased [the other] person’s confidence and strength, they will take what they can get and not end the relationship.” 

The penny method is sort of a mashup of love bombing—where tons of attention is delivered up front and then drops off—and breadcrumbing, where the other person is led on with just enough to keep them stringing along. 

Signs of the “Penny Method” in Dating 

Be aware of these potential signs of the penny method in dating. 

• Love bombing: If the other person comes off strongly up front, this is a sign that they may not be authentic. Be aware of grand gestures and phrases like “we’re meant to be together,” “I think this is love,” and “everything about you is perfect” early in the relationship.
• Reducing effort: When a person comes off strong at first and then starts reducing their effort, this could be a sign of the penny method. This is particularly troublesome if there’s no communication and you’re left feeling confused as to why they’re not putting the same energy forward. 
• Roller coaster behavior: Being on the receiving end of the penny method can feel like an emotional roller coaster. “Everything is going really well and then all of a sudden the person disappears and stops messaging,” Morris says. “It can be for quite a while—like a week. Then they come back with an excuse [like] ‘a family member was ill,’ but really they are just testing to see how much you will take.” 

Why Do People Use the Penny Method? 

Some people use the penny method because they enjoy the thrill of the dating chase but ultimately end up bored when the other person does show some interest. Others may use this technique to keep a hoard of potential mates at their fingertips—a convenient strategy to ensure they’ve always got someone ready to go on the back burner.

In some cases, though, people use the penny method as a form of self-protection caused by an unhealthy attachment style.

“The person using this method might do it because they’re scared of getting hurt or rejected, so they test their partner to see how much they’ll do to keep the relationship going,” explains Seth Eisenberg, relationship expert and CEO of the PAIRS Foundation. “But by pulling back like this, they might actually cause the very thing they’re afraid of—their partner feeling ignored and deciding to leave.”

How the Penny Method Affects Relationships

The penny method is incredibly toxic. Nobody deserves to be on the receiving end of this behavior, and it can have grave repercussions not just for the relationship but for the other person’s sense of worth. 

“The ‘penny method’ can create significant confusion for the victim,” says Sandra Kushnir, LMFT, founder and CEO of Meridian Counseling. “When someone engages in this behavior—wooing their partner with affection and attention initially and then maintaining their interest with sporadic ‘pennies’ of positive behavior—it becomes challenging for the victim to get a clear and consistent understanding of who the perpetrator truly is.”

She says this back-and-forth inconsistency can cause the person to second-guess their perception and judgments, create an underlying sense of unease and insecurity, and feel confused about how they should move forward in the relationship.

Research confirms this, noting that it can increase feelings of stress, impact personal growth after the relationship ends, and worsen the pain of the ending relationship. It’s also a giant waste of time as it prevents the other person from pursuing a meaningful relationship that’s far more fulfilling. 

“This dynamic can be particularly insidious because it plays on the natural human tendency to seek resolution and clarity,” Kushnir explains. “The victim often feels compelled to stay in the relationship, hoping to see more of the positive behavior and to confirm that their partner is indeed the caring person they occasionally show themselves to be.” 

Ultimately, this leads to a dangerous cycle of rationalizing or excusing the other person’s harmful actions as the victim clings to the belief that the good outweighs the bad. 

Do This Instead: Date With Dignity and Transparency 

Using the penny method isn’t just bad for the person on the receiving end—it’s no good for the person playing games. “The person doing the pulling away might feel like they’re in control, but they’re also making it harder to build a real, trusting connection,” warns Eisenberg. 

And if you’re not feeling the relationship? Well, it’s best to cut ties versus stringing the other person along. And don’t do this by ghosting the other. Nobody appreciates that spooky move, and everyone will feel better if you simply say, “Hey, you’re great, but I just don’t see a long-term relationship here.” 

If you find yourself in this penny method cycle either on the receiving or giving end, it’s time to do a bit of soul-searching:

• Why do you engage in this behavior or allow it to happen?
• What’s at the root of your fears?
• What do you truly want out of a life partner?
• Are there any steps can you take to become a better version of yourself?

These questions are life-long pursuits, but if you move with intention and dignity you’re heading in the right direction.