Carl Jung used the term shadow to denote those parts of us that are unacceptable and, therefore, must be split off and denied. Even though he developed this nearly a century ago, it continues to resonate widely and has recently gained traction on social media platforms. While there is no shortage of influencers on TikTok providing advice on how to engage in shadow work, coming to terms with the disowned and disallowed parts of us can be challenging. Jung felt that it was a task that belonged to the second half of life, as the first half should be spent on developing a strong, resilient ego, and establishing oneself in the world.
Jung once said that the shadow is everything we have “no wish to be.” It forms in the process of development as we learn from our parents, teachers, and culture which aspects of ourselves are admirable and desired, and which are forbidden and shameful. Those unacceptable features—greed, selfishness, and aggression, to name a few—go into the shadow so that we can convince ourselves we don’t have them.
Everyone has a shadow, and it isn’t a bad thing. We all need to develop functional personalities that allow us to adapt to inner and outer demands. But much of what goes into the shadow can be full of vitality. That’s why working to integrate the shadow in later life can be a renewal and enlivening. For example, a man from an academically oriented family learned that study and achievement were most valued. His childhood passion for muddy adventure and hands-on tinkering went into the shadow but was reclaimed in his thirties when he began racing dirt bikes on the weekend. Through this new hobby, he connected with an essential part of himself that had been left on the cutting room floor of his psyche as he adapted to familial and cultural expectations.
The Shadow in Women
Broadly speaking, men and women experience different social pressures. As a result, shadow composition is likely to vary between the sexes. Men generally learn that aggression can be a tolerated part of the personality but are discouraged from attending to feelings, while women are socialized to attune to the needs and feelings of others but are discouraged from being assertive. Of course, this isn’t true for every woman, but many of us find that the more forceful, fiery qualities are in the shadows and feel off-limits. Unclaimed and unintegrated, these qualities can take on a life of their own in the unconscious, sometimes coming out “sideways” as passive-aggressive maneuvers or over-the-top attacks. Related to consciously, such qualities can invigorate us and help us become more whole.
Many women identify with being kind, warm, and helpful. If these are the qualities we’ve consciously valued, we may have unconsciously distanced ourselves from other attributes. For example, ruthlessness is a quality that many women have difficulty claiming and harnessing, but having a conscious relationship with this ability is essential for protecting ourselves, setting appropriate boundaries, and pursuing our own goals.
Integrating Shadow Qualities
As a psychological capacity, ruthlessness denotes the ability to do something that might upset or inconvenience someone else, but that is in service to our growth and development. When I was in my 20’s, I was seeing a therapist who wasn’t a good fit. Even though it wasn’t working, I deferred ending the relationship because I worried about offending or hurting her feelings. During this time, I dreamed I was in a car driven by Tony Soprano. Tony Soprano is quite capable of being ruthless. He even kills his friend to protect his business and family. The dream was humorously alerting me to the necessity of finding a modicum of ruthlessness to end something that wasn’t serving me.
When we integrate shadow qualities, they become psychological capacities that we can use when necessary. This allows us to choose how to respond to a challenge thoughtfully. If we’ve engaged in shadow work, we’ll have a broader range of behavioral options from which to pick. Many times, being kind and accommodating is an effective and ethical way to relate, but if that’s the only arrow in our quiver, it may be difficult for us to put our needs first, even when doing so is appropriate and necessary.
Allison was a 28-year-old woman in my practice who had made herself widely liked in her new job. She was competent, pleasant, and accommodating, always putting her hand up to help while demanding little in return. Though her pleasant demeanor was generally an asset, it wasn’t useful to her when a male colleague around her age began taking credit for her work and lobbying for the plum assignments. His assertiveness was rewarded with a promotion. Allison’s agreeableness was not. She needed to learn to set aside her tendency to default to niceness and find the streak of bloodthirstiness that resided in her shadow. When she was able to access this part of herself, she could more effectively advocate for herself in the workplace.
How to Explore Your Shadow
If you’re wondering what shadow qualities you might need to reclaim, here are a few tips:
- Is there someone in your life you find very irritating? Perhaps other people also dislike this person, but your reaction is outsized. What is the most annoying thing about this person? This is likely a quality in you that feels off-limits.
- Is there anyone in your life with whom you feel jealous? It might even be a friend or a sibling. What about them makes you envious? Again, this may be a shadow potential.
- If you think back to your family of origin, what was the one thing you were not allowed to be? Some families discourage neediness, laziness, or pride. Others outlaw anger, sloppiness, or ordinariness. Usually, that one forbidden quality will be relegated to the shadow.
- Shadow is often personified in dreams by unpleasant same-sex figures, although not always! I had a Tony Soprano shadow. You might explore your dreams to see what they have to say about denied and split off parts of yourself.
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Getting to know our shadow can be painful, requiring us to confront things we don’t want to know about ourselves. Yet those disallowed, exiled parts can be vitally important. Welcoming them back gives us access to parts of ourselves we didn’t know before, helping us to become more whole.
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