Morning friend,
The weather is changing here in Prescott and I’m enjoying the cooler mornings and hikes. I’ve been on a trail near my home and the Lord has been teaching me so much just by listening to him through nature. I’ll attach a short video of something that may encourage you.
Today’s Question: Hi, my husband no longer follows Jesus. He is mad at the church, he’s mad at me, he holds grudges very easily. He’s mad at things I did before we got married that he still holds onto. I’ve gone to therapy alone to heal from my trauma and I’ve healed so I can thrive and have a healthy marriage and be a healthy mom.
My husband’s reasons for not healing or changing or forgiving me is that I took too long to heal and he doesn’t want to change. He says he knows what he’s doing is wrong and he knows how he treats me is wrong but he doesn’t care about anything. He doesn’t want to connect me with or the children. I have three kids under 6.
He gives little help and says to do it myself each time I ask for help with the children. My kids see his behavior and how he speaks to me. I want space and don’t want my kids to think this is how relationships are supposed to be. I’m anxious every day around him. I’m afraid of being criticized or yelled at for the house not being clean. He wants everything clean every day with little ones. Nothing is clean enough or my food isn’t made right by his standards. I can’t please him. His family have been bullies to me and very rude. They insult and are aggressive. They lack empathy. They appear emotionless.
He defends their behavior and seems to want to be close to them I guess because they’re familiar but I don’t want to be around his family or my kids. He has said he will take our kids move our kids to the state his family lives in my husband ignores me a lot and he looks at his phone for hours instead of interacting with us.
He says he doesn’t love anyone and he doesn’t care if he hurts me or the kids. Pastors and friends have spoken to him and he says he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to change. I’m having a hard time growing at this time. All I think about is how he will react everyday. I’m having a hard time coping. How do I thrive and can I live in this marriage and my children as well and still be healthy?
Answer: Whew, that’s a lot. I’m so sorry for what you and your little children are living in. You ask a question that I wonder if you don’t already know the answer to but are afraid to face reality. You asked, how can you and your children thrive and be healthy in an environment that is full of the negative toxicity you described. The answer is you and they cannot thrive. You are in survival mode, not growth mode.
You can’t create a healthy environment when someone prefers dark to light and continues to spew his toxic energy around you and the kids. You said you went to counseling to work on yourself to be healthy and have a healthy marriage. But you cannot make a healthy relationship with an unhealthy/toxic person. Your husband has made it clear to you. His bitterness over whatever – you, the church, what happened, what didn’t happen has grabbed hold of his heart. He says he does not love you. He tells you he doesn’t want to work on his own issues. He values you for what he wants you to do (cook, clean, take care of kids, have sex). And, from what you describe, it’s never good enough or often enough to meet his standards. You and your children are suffering in this environment of his anger, depression and bitterness. Even his family (from what you describe) sounds toxic. In that environment, growth is not possible. Even plants cannot grow when there is no rain and the soil is depleted and full of toxins. They wither and eventually die. It may not happen overnight, but they are heading toward death, not growth.
You see it happening. Like the frog in boiling water, what will it take for you to accept reality? I don’t know what your husband was like when he did follow Jesus, but he’s not there anymore, and nor does he want to be. He does not want to change, and his behaviors are damaging you and your children. Obviously, you’re aware of reality or you would not have written all you wrote, but you still must be waiting or hoping for some miracle, even though he’s made it clear he does not want to change. (And God does not violate a person’s free will.)
You asked what you need to do to be healthy. The only answer is to get out of the toxic environment. Toxic and healthy are incompatible. One drop of poison can impact an entire glass of clean water and make it deadly.
The next question to ask yourself is what do you have to do to get yourself and your children out of that toxic environment? Save money? Find a job? Learn some ways to make an income with online work so you can stay home with your kids? Consult with Legal aid or an attorney since he’s threatening to take the children? Involve your church to help you financially, support you emotionally, provide some temporary housing? And, if the church isn’t helpful or you need more support where might you find it? Local Domestic Violence Shelter? Conquer? Other online support?
All these things sound like good ideas, but they can feel overwhelming and impossible for someone who is already weakened after living in a toxic environment for so long. Therefore, you will do best with support from healthier women who know what you’re going through who will help you take tiny steps in the right direction. Please, do not delay in prioritizing you and your children’s safety. God cares about you and your family. Staying only enables his behaviors to continue to cause everyone greater harm including him.
Friend, when you needed to take this hard step to leave, what gave you the support and courage to actually do it?
