By Signe Whitson
Dating and falling in love with passive-aggressive people is not for the faint of heart.
The biggest reason for passive-aggressive behavior? According to research, passive aggression has been measured as an immature self-defense mechanism to suppress emotional conflicts between people.
When passive-aggressive behavior rears its ugly head between two people who are supposed to be in love, they are often being used by one partner to avoid a confrontation about a short-term matter of conflict.
In the long term, however, that dynamic can be just as destructive to a long-term relationship or marriage as outright aggression can be.
Here are 3 savage-but-effective ways to deal with passive-aggressive personality types:
1. Recognize the warning signs
Passive aggression is a deliberate, masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger. This “sugarcoated hostility” involves a variety of behaviors designed to get back at another person without their recognizing the underlying anger at play.
Being able to quickly identify hallmark examples of passive-aggressive behaviors for what they are — hidden expressions of anger — is the first critical step required to disengage from this destructive dynamic.
Some of the most common passive-aggressive behaviors to be aware of include:
- Procrastination
- Behaving beneath customary standards
- Pretending not to see, hear, remember, or understand requests
- The silent treatment
- Sulking
- Withdrawal
- Gossiping
- Refusing to engage
Recognizing these behaviors at face value allows you to be forewarned and make the proactive choice not to become entangled in a no-win power struggle.
When you sense these destructive dynamics coming into play, manage your own emotions through self-talk statements such as:
- “They’re being passive-aggressive and I will not participate in this routine.”
- “I will not yell or become sarcastic, because that will only escalate the conflict.”
2. Point out the elephant in the room
Passive-aggressive people spend their lives avoiding direct emotional expression and guarding against open acknowledgment of their anger.
One of the most powerful ways to confront passive-aggressive dynamics and change the behavior for the long-term, then, is to call out their anger directly when it shows itself.
Affirm their anger in a factual, non-judgmental way, such as, “It seems to me that you’re feeling angry with me for making this request.”
The impact of this seemingly simple exposure can be quite profound.
Give them some suggestions to control their anger, like journaling, exercising, and trying to put their feelings into words, according to scientists from Harvard Medicine.
Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
3. Expect — and accept — denial
Your goal is to make overt the anger that has been covert, stuffed inside, and kept secret for so long. Expect that once this has been done, the passive-aggressive person will deny the existence of anger.
When that happens, you should verbally accept their defense for the time being, offering a casual response such as, “Okay! It was just a thought I wanted to share with you.”
Don’t argue or correct the person’s denial at this time, but rather quietly back away from further discussion, leaving your partner with the knowledge that you are, indeed, aware that feelings of anger do exist behind their behavior.
The advantage of this approach is the comfort of not having to justify or defend your acknowledgment of your partner’s anger.
By simply sharing your awareness of their covert anger, you send a bold and powerful message that their passive-aggressive behavior will not be ignored and allowed to continue any further.
Signe Whitson, ACSW, C-SSWS is an author and international educator on bullying prevention, crisis intervention, and child and adolescent emotional and behavioral health.
