As my regular readers might know, I often write about the importance of relationships for providing us with the right environment to foster authenticity and good mental health. What isn’t always pointed out, however, is the scarcity of such relationships.
The fact is that on a day-to-day basis, many of our relationships are controlling, false, or lacking in understanding. If we want to be more authentic in our dealings with others, listening is a vital ingredient. Fortunately, it’s a skill that can be learned—by just about anyone.
Asking more questions in your relationships—How was your day? How did you feel about that?—is an often recommended step in more open and authentic communication. But the most important thing to do when you ask a question is to really listen to the answer.
We all know people whose eyes seem to glaze over as you talk to them; you feel that they are not listening to you but simply waiting for their turn to talk. In fact, many people don’t even wait for a turn to talk but barge straight in. You may even be guilty of this yourself.
Other times, we listen to people with the intention of changing them in some way or getting them to see the situation as we do. As such, we argue with them, plead, scold, encourage, manipulate, insult, or whatever else might work to get the other person to see things as we do. The reason we do this is that disagreements and conflicting views can be stressful for us unless we are authentic in ourselves.
However, the more authentic we are ourselves, the more able we are to tolerate ambiguity, conflict, and disagreement; we might even cherish it as an opportunity to challenge ourselves and our own views. Authentic people can be confronted with challenges without feeling threatened and having to defend themselves.
What Authentic Listening Looks Like
In short, authentic people are good listeners. They don’t pretend to listen while waiting for their turn to talk. They will want to understand better your point of view and how you are feeling; they will ask questions and take responsibility for their actions. Authentic listening involves three aspects:
First, be aware of what’s going on within you.
Authentic listening involves the awareness of what is going on inside yourself. Our own thoughts bubble up and colour the ways we interpret what the other person is saying. Put your own thoughts to one side so that your attention is completely on the other person while they are speaking.
Second, see things from the other person’s point of view.
Authentic listening requires the ability to tune in to the other person’s worldview and see things from their point of view. Once we have put our own stuff away and are no longer focused on ourselves, we can truly pay attention to what the other person is telling us. However, it’s not just the words that we need to be attentive to but also everything else happening within them, all their feelings and meanings.
Try to imagine yourself in the shoes of the other person. Look at how they are sitting, their posture; listen to the tone of their voice and imagine what it feels like to be in their shoes right now. Try to understand not only what they are saying but how they are feeling as they are saying it.
Third, listen without wanting to change.
Authentic listening involves the ability to listen without wanting to change anything about the person. As we step into the other person’s world and begin to see things from their point of view, we might wish that things were different in some way for that person. But to authentically listen, we need to do so without trying to make things different.
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Listening is not the same as giving advice. Listen without trying to solve any problems; listen only with the intention of understanding. Don’t interrupt. If you feel the need to interrupt, ask yourself why—and unless it’s to clarify your understanding, then don’t.
When you finally have your space to speak, check that you understand what you have just heard. Let the other person know that you are listening—not by telling them you are, but by showing them: paraphrase what you have heard them say, in a way that is open to correction and clarification. The chances are that you will have caught some of what has been said, missed other aspects, and even misunderstood other parts. Summarising what the person has said and being open to hearing how you have not understood everything exactly is the art of authentic listening.
The above is an edited excerpt from my book, Authentic: How to Be Yourself and Why It Matters.
