Love is a profound connection that brings two people together, often transcending barriers of culture, race, and background. Finding someone who honors and loves all parts of you and with whom you feel a sense of deep connection can feel exhilarating and overwhelming in all the right ways. Logically, when we find such a person, we experience the kind of joy we can’t wait to share with our family members, and we assume they will automatically embrace the person we’ve chosen to love. We believe they will see what we see, they will love who we love.
This is why realizing that your family doesn’t and won’t embrace your partner can be absolutely devastating. This kind of pain is deep, and it affects not only your partner but also yourself, your family dynamics, and your relationship.
The Roots
Not understanding why your family won’t accept your partner can make matters worse, and can lead to intense conflict, with both sides firmly entrenched in their perspectives and refusing to budge. Having some level of awareness as to why they’re hesitating to embrace your partner may help alleviate some of that conflict.
For example, your family’s disapproval may stem from their own deep-rooted beliefs, cultural norms, and personal biases that are tied to sacred family values inherited from previous generations. Perhaps your family is afraid that you’re straying from the path they envisioned that aligns with said beliefs, causing them to become fiercely protective of you and of their worldviews. Perhaps they have seen you suffering from a poor choice in partners in the past, and they no longer trust you or your judgment and want to protect you from further harm.
It’s important to recognize that, in so many cases, disapproval may not necessarily be about your partner as a person, but rather about fear, misunderstandings, preconceived notions, or simply a desire to maintain the status quo. Recognizing this may help you see beyond the surface conflict and acknowledge that there are much deeper emotions at play.
The takeaway here? It likely has nothing to do with you, or with your partner.
The Damage
For your partner, this experience can be profoundly isolating. They may feel rejected, not only by your family but also by the culture and traditions that are important to you, the person they love deeply. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and even resentment. They might also struggle with the pressure to conform or change to be accepted, which is a spiritually draining experience for anyone.
As the person caught in the middle, you too will experience a significant emotional toll. The ongoing pressure to mediate, appease, and navigate conflicting loyalties can be downright overwhelming. You may feel guilt, stress, and anxiety as you try to honor your relationship while respecting your family’s perspective. You might feel hurt because it seems as though they don’t trust you or your judgment even though you are a full-fledged adult, and clearly, they’re incapable of being happy for you even though you’re always happy for them. All of it feels grossly unfair, and it can impact your mental and emotional well-being.
Beyond the impact on you and your partner, this situation may create significant rifts within your family system, especially when multiple members are sitting on opposite sides of the fence. Relationships that were once harmonious may become strained, and family gatherings may turn into tense or uncomfortable situations. This division can lead to long-term consequences, potentially alienating you from your family or creating an environment of constant conflict.
It goes without saying that the strain of family disapproval can put tremendous pressure on your relationship. Increased tension and conflict may arise as you and your partner try to independently navigate the emotional challenges created by this situation. Your partner may resent you if they perceive your loyalty is to your family; you may subconsciously resent your partner for putting you in this situation in the first place. Trust and communication are then at risk if issues are not openly addressed.
The Path
The hardest and the most important thing to do in these situations is to relinquish whatever expectations you had for your family. Holding on to the idea that you can obligate your family to embrace your partner will keep you in a state of frustration, despair, and hopelessness, because you simply cannot force what is not meant to be forced. Setting ultimatums, refusing to interact with them, and approaching this situation with anger and resentment are all tactics available to you, however, rarely do they result in a positive outcome for all.
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As hard as it is, remind yourself that their stance has everything to do with their own personal journey, over which you have zero agency. Trying to convince them to love who you love is a futile exercise because people arrive at love in their own way, at their own pace and on their own terms. The sooner you release the notion that there’s something you can do to move them along, the sooner you will feel less stressed and upset.
However, you can let go of expectations, have an understanding of their perspective, and yet still set clear, healthy boundaries. Setting your own internal boundaries is crucial; delineate what’s most important to you and to what degree you will allow your family’s opinions/beliefs to take up space in your sacred territory. What’s important to remember is that whatever power they have over your emotional territory is power you relinquished in the first place; you can take it back.
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Making a Decision For Your Relationship
In some cases, the impact of your family’s disapproval may be so severe that it leads you to reevaluate your relationship, and that’s to be expected. Consider whether the relationship is serving your highest good and whether both you and your partner are willing to support each other through these trials. The decision to stay or part ways should be made with mutual respect and a focus on personal growth for the both of you.
If you choose to stay together, it’s crucial to focus on strengthening your relationship, in addition to helping each other independently foster growth and healing. Constantly discussing the conflict and the division will keep you both in a state of anger and frustration, and this helps nobody in the long run, least of all you. Anger is a barrier to clarity; in anger, you will not be able to focus on your vision for the future.
Work together to create traditions and practices that remind you of your hopes for the future and keep the flow of communication open and honest. Building a united front as a couple will help you weather the storms that are likely to come your way, because life is never smooth sailing 100% of the time.
Although it’s important to approach this challenge as a team, it is equally important to give each other space when necessary and respect that growth is unique to each person. Finding peace within yourselves is a crucial step to finding peace within your relationship.
Lastly, remember that love is a powerful force, and that with open hearts and open minds, you can honor the truth, support each other’s spiritual growth, and cultivate a love that transcends external obstacles.
