Couples often believe their children will automatically leave home when they become adults. Though many do just that, some choose to stay “at home” for an indefinite period. That time may end up being a lot longer than you had anticipated and you may find yourselves doing for them like you did when they were little and growing up in your house. You may continue to fix food for them, do their laundry, make their beds, and shop for clothes whether or not they are with you.
According to a 2024 NY Post survey, most parents are happy when their adult kids move back home, but about 20% have at least some concerns. You and your spouse may have different opinions about how to deal with the situation or may be at odds with one another. But your marriage can stay happy when your adult kids come back to the next.
Seven ways to keep your marriage strong when your adult child moves back in
1. Decide what you want life to be for both of you together.
Discuss what you want to do as a couple from here on out. Discuss how you will make things happen for you. What are your expectations for your marriage now that you have worked all your adult years, raised your children, and are ready to take the next steps?
What activities do you want to be involved in by yourself and with your spouse? How much do you believe you need to work, and what kind of job do you want? How many days a week do you want to devote to working, and how many days do you want to be free to play or just be?
These are just a few questions that might be raised in your discussion. You may think of others, which is great. The main goal is that you have these discussions and make some decisions for yourselves related to how you want your life to look now and in the future.
2. Communicate openly with one another.
It is important to talk with each other and not air your dislikes or concerns to your adult children. If you have an issue with your spouse, it is a must to talk to your spouse about it.
If you have an issue with your adult children, you must bring it to your spouse’s attention and address it with them. Communicate with your spouse what is bothering you and how you feel about it.
Then, you can devise a plan to fix the problem. Conversing with your adult children may be very difficult, but you have talked and can present your plan together.
Remember, your adult children do not have to like the plan, but you need to have one so that you don’t feel abused or taken advantage of by your adult children.
3. Always stand with your spouse.
When you discuss your life together, be united. When your adult children live in your house and/or make demands of you, you must talk and express to them that you are united in your decisions.
Even if your children are used to playing one against the other, and it has worked for them, now is the time to decide that you will be united in your decisions.
Being united includes your thoughts and actions regarding your adult children and their needs. For example, you may decide to let them know that you will rescue them only once.
For the rest of the time, you may need to let them know that it is their responsibility to figure out how to overcome a certain issue or situation. If they ask for your input, you can give it if you want to or say that you trust they will figure it out.
If they do not ask for your input, resist the temptation to give it, even if you think they could benefit from hearing it. Look to each other for help with these types of situations.
4. Pay attention to one another and understand your needs.
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It is so easy to get caught up in being a parent to your adult children that you forget to pay attention to your spouse and to that spouse’s needs.
Again, you need to talk and listen to what your spouse is expressing to you.
If your spouse is upset because you have adult children living in your house who live for free, continually trash the house, expect someone to do their laundry, fix their food, fix their car when it breaks down, give them money when they feel they need it: Listen and don’t interrupt. Your spouse may need to vent. Then, talk about how you might, together, work to fix the problems.
Pay attention to the needs of the two of you and work toward finding a solution that works for them. Remember, the adult children don’t have to like what you decide. You decide.
It is no longer your responsibility to provide for all their needs. You can choose whether, what, and how you are willing to help them.
5. Always show your spouse love, respect, support, and encouragement.
Whatever you think about a situation with your adult children, listen and show your spouse that you truly love and respect his/her opinion.
Be as supportive and encouraging as you can be. Again, show that support and encouragement, even if you have differing thoughts or opinions about the situation.
If your spouse is having difficulty, you need to be there and work together as a team to do what is best for you as a couple. Don’t ignore the fact that you are a couple, and don’t ignore what will make your marriage good!
Your adult children will get the message loud and clear that your marriage is worth everything to you. They will understand you truly care about one another. You will not allow them or anyone else to damage or destroy your relationship.
6. Remember to do fun things together.
Make your relationship a priority. Spend time together doing various activities. Make plans to visit favorite restaurants or try new ones, but just the two of you. Take walks together or ride bikes.
Go shopping together. Go to a movie or a play or to a park, etc. Make plans to do things around the house together. Make plans to take trips together. Those trips could be day trips, overnight trips, or weeks-long trips.
Make plans to volunteer together or meet up with friends. The list can be whatever you want, but make a list and do the things on it.
Remember, all of the things you are planning to do are for the two of you. They do not include asking your adult children if they want to go or if it’s all right for you to be gone for a while.
There may be activities where you can include them, but it is most important to guard your time together. They need to know and understand that your relationship is important to you and that you will plan things to do as a couple. You don’t have to seek their approval or get their OK for any activities you choose.
7. Set firm boundaries with your children.
Finally, you need to set specific boundaries with your adult children so that resentments do not become part of your marriage and relationship.
Your home is your home. If the two of you have decided that they can live in your house, you can and should have certain rules that are part of living in your house.
Examples of those boundaries might be that they clean up after themselves, pay a reasonable amount of rent to live there, are in charge of their laundry, are in charge of their meals, and need to let you know whether they will be home to sleep or if they are staying at someone else’s place, etc. It is also reasonable to expect that they are quiet when they come in after hours.
You mustn’t make it so comfortable for them to be there that they stay “forever.”
One of your “rules” might be that if you or they are uncomfortable with the living arrangements, they will be asked to leave and find another place to live. Give them a time frame so they know what is expected.
Let your adult children know you will always love and care about them and want their lives to be good. They don’t have to live with you for that to happen. You will love them no matter where they choose to live.
Be excited for them, be supportive of them, and let them know.
Drs. David and Debbie McFadden are a husband-and-wife team specializing in helping struggling and distressed couples in the US and Canada.
