If you want to be more than his rebound girl, it pays to notice if he’s ready for another chance at love.
The number one factor that produces readiness? Emotional availability — and turns out, that someone is emotionally available when they have a secure attachment style, research tells us.
His heart, mind, and body need to be free to be given to you, which means he’s no longer offering those parts of himself to her. So how do you tell if he’s emotionally available?
Here are 5 signs he’s still hooked on his ex:
1. The breakup has been official for less than a month
Love isn’t a switch that you turn off and on. If he was in love with her, it would take time to release the mental, emotional, and physical bonds of love.
Right after a breakup, there is typically a period of push-pull time, where the previous partners resist the urge to be pulled back together, if for nothing else than habit — it’s what they are used to.
If you enter his life during this time, you end up in the middle of a love triangle in his head and it won’t feel good. So if your new beau is freshly single, go slow until he’s had plenty of time to let go.
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2. His mood is unstable
As you well know, most breakups suck. Even if you’re convinced you don’t belong together, you’re still in for an emotional roller coaster that involves swinging between a new sense of hopeful freedom and the sadness of loss.
So beware if he seems hot then cold. Ditto if he goes from clingy to distant. All are signs that he’s got more healing to do and isn’t yet ready for real romance.
3. He frequently mentions his ex
Is his head filled with thoughts of only you? It should be. But if his ex comes up in conversation a lot or he uses “we” when referring to her, it’s a sign she’s still taking up important real estate in his mind.
A big red flag? He leans on you for support about his relationship with his ex! Nothing is a more sure sign that someone is not ready to date than these signals that she’s still not far from his mind.
Why would someone be so stuck on an ex? According to a study from the American Psychological Association, the biggest reason is a loss of identity.
4. Lots of contact
Hey, it’s ok to stay friendly with your ex if that works for both of you. But beware if he still sees or talks to her frequently.
More than occasional contact with an ex is a clear sign that part of him is still wrapped up in their connection.
After a breakup, as you remodel your sense of identity from duo to solo and build new support systems, the ex’s importance should gradually recede into the background. If she’s still in the foreground, there’s no room for you!
5. He hasn’t learned his lessons
Does he still seem bitter about his ex — blaming her for everything, without seeing his role in the difficulties?
If so, he hasn’t gotten enough emotional distance to have learned his lessons from this relationship which means he’s apt to make the same mistakes with you!
When a guy can calmly share why his last partnership fizzled and explain what he would do differently in the future, he’s ready to give it another try with a greater chance of success.
With these signs in mind, you can determine if a newly single guy is ready for love. When in doubt, go slowly and give your budding bond a chance to blossom over time.
Jennifer Oikle, PHD is a clinical psychologist and former contributor to GalTime.
