Does the man you love remind you of water? Dripping out of your hands the more you try to hold onto him?
It can be frustrating to be madly in love with a guy who doesn’t reciprocate. It doesn’t matter how often you contact him, try to force heart-to-hearts, offer solutions, or try to prove to him you aren’t going to hurt him.
You break your back trying but sweat and tears don’t help you keep your man and it sucks.
If you want to understand how to keep a man, you’re going to have to let go of “if only” thinking and risk losing him entirely.
Women who ‘keep’ men usually display these 3 behaviors, according to psychology:
1. They communicate their feelings, instead of analyzing his
Imagine the shoe is on the other foot, and you’re in his position. Imagine you’re seeing a guy and, for some reason, you aren’t feeling the spark in him anymore.
Now, imagine he senses you’re distancing yourself and starts to pull you back toward him, as this is a common pattern in couples, according to research.
He starts appealing to your feelings and compromising his needs in the process. He makes wild promises of unconditional love and says he will jump through whatever hoops he needs to keep you.
He calls often and brings up the relationship every chance he gets. He experiences waves of sadness, anger, and neediness, all the while he just wants answers.
This behavior would probably make you feel guilty and smothered. But what if, instead, he tells you how your confusing mixed messages make him feel?
What if he communicates to you all the pain you’ve caused him, and that he’s not going to put up with it anymore? Wouldn’t you feel more pressure to figure out your feelings and decide if you want that relationship?
Wouldn’t you respect him more and see that he’s the kind of diplomatic, caring yet confident person you might not want to lose?
2. They fear losing him
You probably want to tell him “goodbye.” You probably dream of having the strength to call him out on his wishy-washy behavior, but your fears of losing him get in your way.
It’s time to think about the worst-case scenario so you don’t end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy. What would happen to you if you ended up losing him? Would you spiral into depression? Would you experience anxiety about being alone?
It’s time to journal your feelings and fears.
Journaling has proven benefits, including helping you get a better understanding of your emotions and improving your mental health, research from the University of Rochester cites.
MART PRODUCTION / Pexels
Once you face the reasons why you hold onto him, you can start to unclench the fist that you have around this man. Right now, he feels your white knuckles squeezing tight — and it scares him. Not to mention, your tight hold on him isn’t helping you.
You can’t control another person’s feelings, actions, or words. You can’t control the future. The more you try, the more angry, sad, and hopeless you will feel.
But you can control your personal development. You can control your self-confidence and level of happiness. You can control the type of love life you have and the kinds of bad behaviors you aren’t willing to tolerate.
3. They love themselves first, knowing his love will follow
An emotionally healthy man falls in love with a woman to the degree she falls in love with herself.
When a woman has strong, vibrant, respectful, calm, and grounded energy, and is drawn to her like a magnet.
When a woman knows her boundaries and doesn’t let a man’s confusion penetrate and plummet her self-esteem, an emotionally available man feels safe getting closer to her.
Focusing on you and your life, instead of changing his feelings and behavior, will also give a man the emotional space he needs to not feel smothered in a relationship.
When you worry less about accommodating him, you will give him a chance to straighten up on his own without feeling like it’s a demand from you.
Kristina Marchant is a writer and author with a BA in psychology from Barnard College at Columbia University. She is also a relationship coach who advises women on men and healthy relationship skills.
