Are you a woman who’d rather stay quiet and go without than ask a man what you want? Sadly, you’re not alone.
Society raises women to think of other people first, so it’s no wonder we feel that our needs are not important. Studies published in the National Library of Medicine reinforce that even mothers prioritize the care of others over their health out of a fear of self-compassion.
If you lack the confidence to ask for what you want, it can seem as frightening or painful as a root canal. But how will you ever get what you need if you don’t ask? It’s like hearing a constant “no.”
Any relationship, and especially marriage, requires the art of compromise. You have to express your needs if you’re going to create a life with someone. It’s the only way to take a relationship from “just dating” to “happily ever after.”
Don’t despair—you have to learn what works. Once you do, you’ll enjoy expressing your wants and needs.
Here are 10 honest reasons why you’re not getting what you want in your marriage:
1. You’re not clear
Before asking a man for anything, be clear about what you want. Express your need in a simple sentence; don’t confuse it by over-explaining. If you’re straightforward, it will appeal to a man’s more logical mind, and he’ll get a clear picture of what you’re asking for.
2. You don’t know why you want it
You won’t make a good argument for your case if you don’t know why you want what you want. You have to give him clear and concise reasons so it makes sense to his (once again) logical mind.
3. You’re indirect and wishy-washy
Don’t beat around the bush. It’s okay to come to the point without padding your request with much filler. You don’t have to give him every justification why you want something before you ask for it. You don’t have to qualify your motives; no apologies are necessary.
Put the need out there without explaining yourself, and he’ll figure it out.
4. You don’t make it important enough
If what you’re asking for isn’t truly important to you, don’t ask. Pick your battles. He certainly won’t consider it important if it isn’t “I’m sticking to my guns” important to you. It will be easy for him to talk you out of it and dissuade you of your desire.
5. You haven’t practiced your approach
When asking for something you want, you need to practice first. Say the words out loud as if you were talking to him. Listening to yourself will show you where you’re hesitant and unclear.
Studies prove that sustained practice is essential for a new skill to become automatic, and this applies to your marriage communication just like it would any other situation.
Go over the points you want to make so you know what to say. This will give you the confidence to feel comfortable asking for what you want.
6. You’re not prepared for his answer
His answer will be either yes, no, or maybe. Don’t forget this will be a two-sided conversation, and you don’t know how he will react. You should know what you’re going to say to any of these 3 choices:
- If he says “yes,” it’s time to stop talking and move on to other things. If he doesn’t, you might try to talk him into changing his mind.
- If he says “no”, you need to know why he should say yes at your fingertips. Be prepared with strong, logical arguments to help change his mind. Remember, this is important, so you will not accept a no without a “fight.”
- If he says “maybe”, you have to give him a good reason for your asking and then stop talking. Change the subject and give the man time to think things over.
Decisions are difficult to make on the spot, and giving him time to consider your request can help.
7. You let him distract you
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Are you dealing with a man who likes to avoid decisions and who’s an expert at diverting you from your mission? Perhaps he brings up unrelated subjects or starts asking you questions that have nothing to do with your request.
If you know he’s an avoider, be prepared to stay on topic. Take time to practice out loud, bringing the subject back to what you want to say.
8. You lose your cool
This can sabotage your chances of getting what you want even if he agrees. If you get angry or annoyed because he’s not giving you what you want, you must take deep breaths to calm yourself down. Anger will only beget more anger.
Any chance of persuading him to agree with you is lost if you get upset. He will see only that, and emotion will replace his logic. Promise yourself ahead of time to keep your voice level, no matter what.
9. You play the victim
Being a victim is not only unattractive, but it never works. It’s a device that engenders guilt, and no one enjoys feeling guilty. It also makes you seem weak and childish. You must have confidence if you want him to consider your needs seriously.
When you play the victim, he’ll know it, even if only subconsciously, and he’ll rebel against what you want.
10. You worry about his feelings
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You’re talking to a man, not a boy; he can care for his feelings. Don’t minimize the truth of what you want to make him feel better. Don’t worry about hurting his ego because you want or need something important.
Trust that he can hear what you have to say and that he’ll give you an honest reaction. Your relationships will deepen as you become more successful at expressing your needs. You’ll feel you’re an equal partner and enjoy finally meeting your needs. More importantly, you’ll have mastered a skill you sucked at, so you can now have a truly meaningful and happily-ever-after relationship.
