How to Really Be There for Someone

Source: Unsplash/Henri Pham

Do you know how to be there for someone?

We all have differing capacities for empathy—the ability to connect with someone’s pain with the hope that they feel supported and understood. Some do this quite easily, whereas the very idea of this kind of connection scares the living daylights out of others.

If you’re closer to the latter end of the spectrum but want to help a loved one who is struggling, these 11 suggestions could help connection come more easily.

1. Ask how they need you to listen. If they’ve told you already that they need someone to simply listen to them, then do just that. Don’t problem-solve.
2. Show up. Often the most important gift you can give is your presence. You don’t have to have any answers. Just show up and let someone reveal their vulnerability or whatever emotions they’re willing or able to share.
3. Let your ego go. There are times in therapy when, as I lean forward to hear someone tell their story, I realize that I want to give them a great idea or say the perfect thing. Instead, I literally imagine my ego floating out the window and staying there. Then I can lean in and truly be in the moment.
4. Respect their perspective—and ask before you give another perspective. Let’s say your friend found out their partner cheated—and all they can think about right now is how it must be their fault. “I’m not sexy enough,” they say. “I don’t make enough money.” You don’t believe this at all, but that’s what you’re hearing. Hang in there with them and comment about how awful that must feel. Normalize that self-blame (“There are a lot of people who blame themselves at first.”) Then, when it’s time, ask them if they’d like your perspective on what they’re feeling.
5. Wait. Part of being there for someone in a crisis is realizing that it can take time for anger to subside, sadness to abate, and especially for shock to wear off—it may take minutes, hours, days, or weeks. Shock, in particular, is protective. It simplifies things and helps you deal with one thing at a time, as those things come to you. It dulls your emotions—or can. Be patient as your loved one moves through their initial emotional response. If the time becomes too long, you might suggest therapy.
6. Notice how you’re feeling and tuck it away until you have time to process it. Being there certainly doesn’t mean you’re supposed to not have feelings yourself. Of course you will, and it’s so important that you work through those feelings yourself.
7. Ask questions to help them go deeper—not the questions that you think you need to know. Your job is to help someone “go deeper” into the feeling or state of being they’re talking about, with questions like, “How long have you felt that way?” You probably don’t need to ask, “Well, do I make you feel that way?” That’s about you, not them.
8. If they’re becoming too agitated or too distraught, suggest going to a professional clinician. Let’s say the person is getting very lost in their pain and you realize you’re feeling overwhelmed. You can say that gently. “Gosh, these issues may be beyond me to help you with. I can listen for sure. But let me help you find the right kind of help.”
9. Notice non-verbal clues. Paying attention to what the person’s body may be saying can be very helpful. Are they sighing a lot? Is their breathing normal or do they need to breathe more deeply? Are they clamping down, literally looking like they’re about to jump out of their skin? It may even be helpful to say, “Wow, that sigh was a deep one.” They’ll know you’re seeing them.
10. Remember that being there doesn’t mean taking on the struggle as if it were yours. In her song “Let Me Be There,” Olivia Newton-John sang: “Let me be there in your morning / Let me be there in your night / Let me change whatever’s wrong / And make it right (make it right).” That’s terrible advice! First, you can’t be there night and day—you have your own life—and you can’t make anything right. Focus, instead, on simply being there.
11. Remind them of their strengths without using platitudes. “You’ll get through this” and similar platitudes are often easy things to say that can’t really be argued with, but they aren’t always useful. Something like “You’ll get through this, but know that getting through it can involve struggling. It’s OK to struggle” may be more helpful because you’re reminding them of their strength in a moment where it may be hard for them to realize or connect with their strength. They may be demoralized, but their strength is still there.