Source: Marjana Vidojevic/iStock
For centuries, philosophers have been touting the value of self-knowledge. Aristotle, Kahlil Gibran, and Laozi believed that knowing yourself was the beginning of all wisdom. Carl Jung implied that self-knowledge was a wake-up call, leading to further exploration and knowledge, when he wrote: “Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” Further elaborating on this theme, Albert Einstein suggested that self-knowledge gives us the freedom to change: “Once we accept our limits, we (can) go beyond them.”
The consensus of so many writers on this topic, including Freud, is that self-knowledge is decidedly a good thing. But what does self-awareness really do for us? The answer is, many things, but first among its many benefits is self-improvement. Armed with more detailed knowledge about what we’re all about, we can make better decisions. In addition, by knowing ourselves better, we can more fully appreciate the limitations of human nature and become more compassionate toward others. Also, with greater self-knowledge, we are less likely to participate in the kind of blame games that have taken center stage recently in our culture and our politics.
It’s important to note that self-knowledge is not self-absorption or self-obsession but rather a compassionate appraisal of what motivates us. And when we pursue it thoughtfully, self-knowledge can yield significant benefits.
Improved Self-Control and Integrity
If we’re prone to blurt out whatever comes to mind, thereby insulting others in the process, by learning to think, “Stop it!! That is going to upset Mary or Henry!” we can check our impulsivity. If we’ve been told we’re too bossy or too critical (and we acknowledge those traits), then we can soften our words before they come tumbling out. If the feedback we’ve been given suggests that we’re too serious (and we agree), then we can begin to lighten up in a variety of ways.
Most self-improvement programs begin with exercises designed to improve self-awareness. The first step in most weight loss programs, for instance, is keeping track of food behavior—how, what, and where food is consumed. By increasing awareness, small changes in behavior can be readily achieved. Likewise, our friends’ concerns about our alcohol use, reckless driving, or poor dietary habits may be hard to hear but, if acknowledged, can be the beginning of moderation or better life choices.
Then, too, knowing when our motives conflict with our values can lead to modification of the motives, values, or both. For example, if we’re highly motivated to acquire money and power and yet value kindness, honesty, and consideration toward others, being aware of the contradiction between these two competing aspects of our personality can facilitate a better resolution.
More Empathy Toward Others
Awareness of our limitations can make us more understanding of others. By realizing how vulnerable we all are, we can identify with similar struggles. More specifically, we can identify with the desire to be loved, understood, and valued, as well as the yearning to belong somewhere. We can also appreciate the need to be autonomous and the fear of being abused or found to be lacking in some way. Also, we can understand the defensive ways in which we all try to prove we’re competent. In addition, we can identify with how painful disappointments can be, whether in professional life or love, and how warmth and support from others can heal a wounded spirit.
Less Reliance on Destructive Defenses
When we acknowledge our failures and mistakes, we are in a better position to let them go and change our behavior. Like successful athletes, musicians, and students of every kind, we can start anew after making a mistake and simply work harder (or better) the next time around.
If, on the other hand, we externalize responsibility—that is, blame others for our failures—the repercussions can be damaging. People don’t like to be blamed for things they didn’t do (it feels fundamentally unfair) and are likely to retaliate or withdraw from such relationships. Blamers are hard to be around, and their distortions of reality (who caused what?) contribute to gaslighting.
In addition, blamers and other conflict-avoiders seldom change. Because they find conflict threatening and refuse to accept responsibility for their behavior, they become stuck in unhealthy patterns. Whether they’re addicted to alcohol or other drugs, or involved in domestic abuse or gambling, their lack of insight perpetuates the problem. Their reliance on unhealthy defensive strategies, such as projection, externalization, and denial, to ward off feelings of inadequacy leads to greater dysfunction.
How to Achieve Greater Self-Awareness
Paying attention to feedback from trusted friends and colleagues can be invaluable. If most of our close friends and relatives see us the same way, then it is highly likely that their perceptions are valid. For example, when the consensus is that we interrupt others frequently, talk about ourselves excessively, and have a hard time listening to what others have to say, then such feedback certainly merits consideration. Insight into the origin of the problems and/or exercises designed to improve listening skills can be helpful in changing course.
Besides feedback, night dreams are another source of self-knowledge. While a psychotherapist may be helpful in interpreting dreams in greater detail, most of us can figure out the major themes. Is the dream a benign escape from a stressful situation—a vacation respite—or an anxiety-filled flight from danger? Are we confused in the dream or confident of where we’re going? In other words, what is the major point of the dream? If the dream content is conflictual, what are we struggling with? While the dream is mostly symbolic, with figures from the past often making an appearance, a summary of the dream content can provide multiple clues about the motives, fears, conflicts, and defenses currently operating in our lives.
Mindfulness and meditation are two other valuable avenues to self-knowledge. Taking the time each day, even for just a few minutes, to meditate on the day’s events can be an important antidote to our stress-filled lives. Journaling the feelings and thoughts of the day can also help deepen self-awareness.
While religious traditions have for centuries promoted daily “examinations of conscience” focused mainly on sins, an update of the practice can include successes as well as failures. What was today like for us? What are we proud of? What are we most disappointed in, and what could we have changed? The point of daily reflection is to live more peaceful and productive lives, and with self-knowledge, we are better equipped to achieve that goal.
