Every interaction with another person is a relationship. Romantic. Parental. Siblings. The waiter. Teachers and students. The parents of students and teachers. A patient and a provider. The receptionist. Business partners, and their employees. Co-workers. Being on a sports team. Acting in a play. Waiting in line. A glance at someone on the street. Sometimes, if isolated and alone, the memory of those relationships.
Any relationship can create a myriad of emotions. Joy. Sadness. Anger or fear, pleasure or disgust, surprise, pride, shame, embarrassment, excitement.[1] But one emotion describes the fundamental building block critical in any and every meaningful relationship. And it is not love.
The emotion is trust.
Erik Erikson realized that trust versus mistrust was the very first step in development.[2] When you trust someone all of the primitive limbic survival responses of fight, flight, or freeze become dormant. From an individual level to the relationship between global powers, trust drives decisions. From the decision to date to the decision to enter into a treaty between nations, it is the willingness to believe that you can trust someone else that ultimately closes your decision.
A few weeks ago, I posted six simple truths to a lasting relationship.[3] The first rule is never lie. Trust is a prerequisite for a stable and productive romantic relationship.[4] For any relationship.
We can do this.
But what about the person I am trusting? What influence does my trusting them have on their sense of value?
An incredibly powerful one.[5]
Trust is an acknowledgment of another person’s value. When I trust you, I send a message of how I perceive you: as a person of value. Whenever you remind someone of their value, you increase your own value. Trust is the interaction in a relationship that increases everyone’s value.
But if being trusted enhances one’ self-esteem, being mis-trusted does the exact opposite.
Mistrust activates my fight-flight-freeze response: Are you going to hurt me? Are you going to do something to devalue me? And if you are going to devalue me, I must protect myself and to protect myself I have to devalue you. Trust is an expression of value: Mistrust leads to devaluation and disrespect.
And then the other person, group, country, does the same.
Given the current stress in the world, it’s remarkable that we can trust anyone. The world appears a very dangerous place right now.
Differences can be scary. Different values, appearances, perspectives. Sometimes, we can mistrust a person who appears to hold different values.
But differences and perspective can also be remarkably survival friendly. For example, when you stand back-to-back with another person, each of you has a different perspective of the world. Together you can now see the entire 360 degrees around you. A different perspective can help everyone survive.
We rarely mistrust a person who shares our values.
It is worth remembering that we all want the same thing: to feel valued by someone else. Respect leads to value, and value leads to trust. With that trust you can share differences of opinions openly and honestly. You can respect without having to agree. You can remind someone of their value and increase your value, and your different perspectives. Trust is the foundation for lasting relationships.
Relationships Essential Reads
That I can trust. That you can trust.
Trust me.
