Think about the last time you lobbed an unkind name to someone who frustrated you or when you heard someone else cut down another person. Humans, especially when trapped in hunger, fatigue, or overwhelm, don’t say or do their best at times.
Witnessing a verbal barrage against someone can spark visceral discomfort, unhappiness, and empathy, and sadly, in our divided culture, it can inspire others to do the same.
Name-calling has become “a thing.” Major news outlets have called out at least one presidential candidate with his “history of” attacking, mocking, demeaning, and comparing, especially women.
The Gottman Institute, which trains therapists, educates through social media, and overall works to promote healthy relationships, considers name-calling to be a sign of contempt—one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which, left untreated, will lead to the demise of relationships.
Here’s a quick summary of name-calling damage:
- In social groups, it sidelines. Enter the schoolyard bully who vies for power at recess, the mean girl jealous of others, the homeowner’s association or board that prefers only likeminded individuals, or anyone else who wishes to ostracize to keep control of a group.
- It derails or halts important discussion of the topic. For this reason, it’s often a tactic in political campaigns where you either don’t have policies or aren’t ready to discuss matters of substance; the attack veers off course to what really doesn’t matter. Name-calling in this arena is carried out by those trying to be tough, while deep down there is weakness and the target of the unkind names is perceived as a threat.
- It gaslights human relationships. While John and Julie Gottman began their work with couples, they have broadened the reach of their concepts to parent/child relationships, in-laws, and even the office. Labeling people, especially those you have not taken the time to really know or allowed to reveal themselves, is a cognitive error at bare minimum, a red flag for sure, and a sign of abuse, at its worst.
This incendiary tactic sneaks in with passive-aggressive remarks such as, “I can’t believe she…,” “Gosh, what a…,” or “Don’t be her friend because…” And there you have it: Someone unnecessarily casts another into a role they don’t deserve, all based upon the psychological vulnerabilities of the name-caller.
What’s at the Root of Name-Calling?
Calling others names they do not deserve stems from insecurities, displaced aggression, or the need to dominate and/or control a partner/friend/coworker/etc.
Those who do not have much ego strength build themselves up by tearing down innocent others. It’s a maladaptive pattern that could stem from learned behavior—that is, witnessing others do this in childhood. It may also arise from unresolved emotional issues.
How to Fix or Heal From Name-Calling
Sometimes, because we’re human and not at our best, we may slip and say something we don’t mean. Who in life hasn’t benefited from a do-over? In the four stages of frustration and anger—the buildup, spark, explosion/implosion, and aftermath or cleanup stage—it’s that last one that often doesn’t get attempted. This is the model my co-author and I write about in The Angry Child and Overcoming Passive Aggression. Remembering anger’s four stages helps to better manage it and other difficult emotions.
A successful cleanup stage is where “I’m sorry” gets said and commitments are made to work on a) recognizing when we flood with emotion and b) learning from mistakes we’ve made so they aren’t repeated.
Sadly, some people name-call with the intent to harass, intimidate, or demean. What they say isn’t by accident, but very intentional. These cases of offensive jokes, slurs, epithets, or mockery can indicate passive-aggressive behavior, especially when they try to excuse the rudeness as a joke; over time, perpetual passive-aggression can veer into harassment quite easily.
In schools, at home, and in the workplace, name-calling intended to demean often leads to low self-esteem, less confidence, anxiety, depressed mood, and poor group or team morale.
Teachers and principals and managers and HR directors are wise to take action against verbal intimidation because we know verbal aggression can lead to actual physical aggression.
Therapists teach couples and families to build a culture of appreciation and practice positive regard, gratitude, and self-soothing when they begin to flood. Take a break, walk around the block, and return to the conversation when you are calmer.
When Name-Calling Hits Home
Most forward-focused people compartmentalize news clips of those set on vainglory and disparagement. Growing up as Trump grandchildren, Dr. Mary L. Trump and older brother Fred Trump III learned to eschew behavior they saw modeled.
“My grandfather wasn’t the easiest man to get along with,” writes Fred III in All in the Family: The Trumps and How We Got This Way. Hard-driving business practices drove patriarch Fred Trump, whose emotional range was “stoic to judgmental to really pissed off.” Most like their grandfather, Donald compensated for what he lacked with “ferocious ambition and drive,” which included verbally cutting down those who disagreed or got in his way. That someone had a vulnerability or disability mattered not.
Dr. Mary L. Trump writes in Who Could Ever Love You: A Family Memoir that living through Donald’s behavior was difficult before the 2016 election, where he won the presidency in the Electoral College, but it was excruciating beyond. A psychologist, she recognized her social withdrawal, rumination, and staying in her apartment as depression that caused her to check into treatment, where only her therapists knew her true identity.
Thus, when these authors watch news clips of Uncle Donald’s dismantling others, his meanness triggers their lived experience.
“I have a name—Trump—that is extraordinarily polarizing and keeps getting more so,” writes Fred III, who admits to his own faults yet declares the prior generation isn’t comfortable with humility. Mary expresses a collective lament when she admits, “Sometimes I think I don’t want to do this anymore. None of us does. We’re all worn out.”
While Uncle Donald lacked empathy for Fred III’s infant son, born with epilepsy and breathing issues, and made shockingly rude remarks about him and vulnerable others, Fred now champions those with intellectual and physical disabilities.
Name-calling is wrong. It’s hurtful. Yet by refocusing on the good in life, the people who have care and concern, those injured once by a bully’s unkind remarks can transcend petty insecurities, speak out against meanness, and build their own culture of appreciation.
Copyright © 2024 by Loriann Oberlin, MS
