Why are so many mothers and wives also parenting their spouses? According to Time Magazine, it’s because these women think they’re supposed to, and their husbands agree.
As a wife and mother of two, I can understand the frustration and aggravation married women feel when something goes wrong that could have easily been avoided if their husbands had just used some common sense.
“What in the world was he thinking? Oh yeah, he wasn’t.” The million-dollar question is, “How do I get my husband to listen to me?”
The second million-dollar question is, “How do I get my husband and my kids to listen to me?” Often, children learn this behavior from their fathers.
Wouldn’t it be nice if men thought to themselves, “I care about how you feel when the house is dirty”? I know I would love that.
The best advice I can offer you is to treat your husband the way you treat your kids when you want them to do something.
Here are the ‘behavior modifications’ that get husbands to listen — that all wives can learn:
1. Let him know what you expect
For example, tell him, “I’m looking forward to you helping me with the dishes today. It makes me feel so good when you help me. I like that about you,” even if he hasn’t washed the dishes in years.
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A marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership, and that includes household chores. According to the Pew Research Center, 56% of adults in the United States ranked sharing household responsibilities as being one of the best things that make a marriage successful.
Flatter him and pretty soon, you’ll start seeing things change. Some people complain that seducing your spouse when expressing your needs is manipulative — it’s not! You do way more for no seduction in return! Remember that.
2. Focus on one behavior to modify
Don’t jump ahead of yourself. Patience is everything. Remember, you’re modifying behavior like you would with a child. As you focus on one problem and tell your spouse what it is, make sure to use reinforcement techniques.
Some examples are verbal praise and punishment-oriented techniques, like, “I’m looking forward to you helping me with the dishes today, but if you don’t get around to it, then I guess we won’t have any clean plates for tomorrow’s dinner. Where would you like to go out to eat? I know of an expensive new restaurant I’ve been wanting to dine at.”
This will probably get him to think of the pros and cons of helping you.
3. Offer incentives for compliance
Ask him for his advice on what incentives he would be interested in. Remember to stick to one problem for now. Don’t set yourself up to fail.
4. Follow through on the consequences, and don’t give in
If he doesn’t help you with the dishes, then the dishes will just have to be dirty until he helps. This could go on for a day, a few days, or even weeks.
Don’t budge; set precedents. Remember, if you give in then he will know how far he can push you next time. I promise you there will be a next time, unfortunately. If you give in and do the dishes it will be very difficult for you to modify his behavior.
5. Provide positive reinforcement
Give him playful reminders and prompts. Encourage him to think of everything as a rewarding and joyous experience. Don’t nag him! Behavior modification is not about nagging.
It’s about clear expectations, friendly prompts, reminders, rewards, and consequences.
Shelley Skas, LCPC, is a professional counselor who helps individuals and families using evidence-based therapy programs.
