Romeo and Juliet are teenagers who decide to marry on the day they meet and whose relationship lasts, at best, five days before they end up dead. Romeo is getting over a previous love moments before he sees Juliet. That’s why his friends dragged him to the Capulet’s party. Are we really supposed to put their angsty crush on a pedestal?
But we do. We celebrate their story as the most romantic ever told.
Why?
The star-cross’d lovers have an intense, young love. Juliet is only 13; Romeo only a few years her elder. Their love is so all-consuming that they are willing to forsake everything—their families, their futures, even their own lives—for each other. Forbidden love tastes even sweeter. They’re surrounded by a world of death and war and try to fill it instead with passion and love. They are young, they are vital, they are alive.
We can all remember those days when our bodies and minds would yearn in similar ways. Our partners could do no wrong. It would literally hurt to be apart; parting was “such sweet sorrow.” We would be jealous of any glance at a stranger, jealous of past loves. We would need to know everything about them. We’d sacrifice friendships, families, hobbies—all to spend as much time as possible with them. We felt apart from the world, rather than existing within it.
We can also relate to the discomfort of trying to make two difficult families get along. Our in-laws might not be the Capulets or the Montagues, but we can find strength in navigating those extended family relationships together.
Violent delights, violent ends
Ultimately, though, Romeo and Juliet is not a romance; it’s a tragedy. Their lives and love are cut short before they can blossom into maturity. These are hormonal, naïve teenagers, unable to do the hard work of real relationships. We don’t get to see them in their early 30s, doubting their decisions, changing nappies, returning to work after maternity leave, squabbling over domestic chores.
The tragedy is that they never had the chance to figure out mature relationships for themselves. Infatuation got them killed. As Friar Lawrence knew, “these violent delights have violent ends.”
We’re sold a version of this lie as the pinnacle of romance in different forms in modern culture. Pop songs are full of it. Beyoncé is “Crazy in Love.” Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” is basically Romeo and Juliet in the Hamptons. Lots of people worry when a new relationship doesn’t begin in a blaze of passion and angst. Others panic when the early intensity fades or evolves into something potentially more long-lasting.
Romeo and Juliet don’t really know each other and the depths of what makes each of them unique. They don’t have to deal with the reality of each other’s imperfections and what it takes to be in a long-term relationship with someone who will never be able to meet all their physical and emotional needs.
Love should develop a depth that counters any early intensity. For those of us in middle age, how many of us would really welcome that intensity in our lives right now? It would be exciting for about 24 hours. Twenty years into a marriage, we don’t want to feel like we’re being punched in the gut every time we leave our lover. Again, the ever-sage Friar notes that even the taste of honey gets sickly.
Even the celebration of early intensity in a relationship should be debunked. The best relationships often start from the foundation of good friendship and the trust, safety, and depth that offers. Some amazing relationships are late bloomers.
You (don’t) complete me
And it’s not just Romeo and Juliet. Jerry Maguire’s famous “you complete me” line was presented as swoon-inducing rather than vomit-worthy. It has led to the pervasive lie that you need to find someone who is your soulmate rather than finding someone you like a lot and find attractive enough to build a home with. There are many people in the world who could fit that bill. Find one. Commit to them. Work on it.
It’s better to love your in-laws than be at war with them. Marriage as a ceremony is based on standing in front of our friends and family and committing to love and support our partners: to want the best for them, to champion them, to fight for the relationship even when it gets hard. We bring our communities into that covenant and ask them to share that burden: to be there as shoulders to cry on, to tell us not to be so stupid as to walk away just because times are tough, to remind us that we made a commitment that shouldn’t easily be broken.
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Moderation in all things
Love moderately, advises the Friar. What does this mean? Show your partner you still find them attractive (after all, they want to feel attractive as well as liked), but don’t expect to want to tear each other’s clothes off every day after a few years or decades. Tell your partner what you love about them and how they make you feel, but be sure to remain an independent person with your own interests and desires. Take care of the relationships with the friends and families who were at your wedding. Make being in love as easy as you can: Go to bed at the same time as your partner; show interest in their life whilst allowing them some privacy; say thank you when they do nice things. Do the small things, every day, to keep love’s flame burning.
This doesn’t have to be boring. You can still have moments of passion and periods of intensity. But be sure to notice and cherish the love that persists through the calmer moments, and amidst the challenges.
Let’s finish with the Friar: “Wisely and slow; they stumble that run fast.”
