Source: Engin Akyurt/Pixabay
After six years together, Trevor and Cami have called it quits. The arguing never stops, and the good times are rare. Trevor feels henpecked, while Cami feels ignored.
When couples are on the verge of breakup or divorce, they usually talk about reaching some bottom line—like Trevor and Cami, tired of the never-ending arguments, the control and neglect; for others, physical violence or affairs. Whatever “it” is, they’re done.
But beneath these bottom lines of fed-upness are usually longstanding issues that have finally reached their boiling points. Here are the five most common ones:
1. Arguments that get out of control
Arguments and disagreements are often about clearing the air, finally dealing with a problem swept under the rug or a by-product of a stressful and perfect storm. But when arguments get out of control, where neither one can pump the brakes, this is where you’re in dangerous territory—hurtful comments, name-calling, and even violence that create scars and longstanding resentments.
2. Unsolved problems
These out-of-control arguments may be followed by a few days of ignoring each other, pretending nothing has happened, or humbly apologizing. But the couple resists circling back to the topic for fear of igniting another argument. For conflict-avoidant couples who bite their tongues and substitute arguing with emotional distance, the outcome is the same—problems go unsolved and become landmines, and the couple is always walking around on eggshells.
So, Trevor and Cami can’t bring up Christmas 2018, mention Cami’s brother, or address Trevor’s increasing pot use; they can’t agree on parenting and sabotage each other. Their conversations are minimal, and tension and distance are ever present. The relationship becomes narrow and stale.
3. Triggering of emotional wounds
We all walk out of our childhoods with hot-button emotional triggers. The most common ones are feeling micromanaged and criticized—Trevor—or dismissed or neglected—Cami. Not only do these triggers start the arguments, but each trigger fuels the other’s: Trevor pushes back when feeling micromanaged, which in turn triggers Cami’s feeling of not being heard.
4. Accumulating resentments
The steady arguments or distance, the constant triggering of emotional wounds, and the stacking up of unsolved problems take a toll. The past, rather than filled with good memories and feelings, is littered with hurts and wounds that periodically flare up and create an undertow of depression, hopelessness, or smoldering resentment. Each is sensitized to the negative; anything positive seems like an aberration.
5. Lack of common interests and connections
Finally, some couples try to bypass the above problems by distraction. They stop being a couple and become mom-and-pop, focused on kid activities, or workaholics, leaving little time or energy for their relationship. As the kids get older and more independent, the couples retire from work and the old glue that held them together is gone. The thought of spending the next 20 or more years being roommates is no longer an option.
How do you avoid breakups or divorces? The answer is obvious but can feel difficult: You need to tackle the issues you’re struggling with most.
Rein in arguments.
To avoid the damage that arguments can cause, you need to do two things: One is controlling your emotions to keep the arguments from getting out of hand. The key is focusing on you, realizing your anger is rising, and taking behavioral steps to put on the brakes—say that you’re upset and leaving but will return, listening rather than arguing back. This is about lowering the temperature, not getting your way.
Circle back and solve problems.
While step one is lowering the temperature of the argument, step two is circling back and solving the problem rather than making up and sweeping it under the rug. The key here is waiting until emotions have completely cooled so you can get out of your emotional brains and devise a plan that will work for both of you.
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Heal wounds by not stepping on them.
Trevor needs to let Cami know that he is sensitive to being told what to do; Cami needs to tell Trevor that when he gets angry and pulls away or doesn’t follow through on what she is asking, she feels dismissed and neglected. Rather than arguing about whose reality is right and who is more the victim, their challenge is working together not to trigger each other.
This is not about Trevor or Cami biting their tongues but instead about being sensitive to how they raise issues; each needs to look to the other to provide guidance. Trevor needs to tell Cami how to speak differently so he is not triggered, just as Cami needs to tell Trevor how to express his feelings without triggering her feeling dismissed.
Replace resentments with compassion and appreciation.
Because you can’t change the past, the key to healing resentments is changing what you do in the present—showing compassion and appreciation, avoiding dipping into the past when angry, and instead moving forward to solve everyday problems.
Build connection by making the relationship the focus.
The challenge here starts with talking about the elephant in the room—namely, the disconnection and distraction. Next, you break autopilot patterns by consciously creating new ones: scheduling date nights and sex, exploring new interests—rock concerts, tango lessons, bird-watching. You need to move your relationship from the back burner to the front.
The theme is clear: controlling emotions, solving problems, moving forward, and finding better ways of connecting. Rather than being resentful and trying to change the other person, focus on changing the emotional climate.
