Many women complain that when they were dating, their partners used to be attentive and helpful, but over time all of it stopped. Is it true that once men get comfortable, they also get lazy? Maybe, but while dating, most women politely accept whatever their partner offers.
However, as women get more comfortable, we often get less polite and more vocal about particulars.
If your partner has turned from a prince into a couch potato, it could be that your way of communicating played a part in causing that. Here’s what pushes men away from women and how you can fix these mistakes that demotivate and emasculate men.
Here are 4 demotivating things women unconsciously do that make men disinterested:
1. You tell him what to do
Making demands on a man the right way can motivate him, but bossing him, controlling him, or simply telling him what to do can have the opposite effect.
Timur Weber / Pexels
Most people don’t like being told what to do and, because of the opposition reflex, your man may resist you simply because of how you asked.
This point can be confusing to women because men often say, “Don’t make me guess; just tell me what you want.”
So, you tell him and he still won’t do it! It can be maddening. There’s a right way and a wrong way to motivate your man. If telling him what to do isn’t working, stop telling him what to do.
2. You tell him how to do it
Imagine your man as a knight in shining armor. He is going to slay a dragon for you and just as he is drawing his sword, you say, “The sword isn’t going to work. You’ll have to get way too close to him. You need to use the gun or you could also try the poison?”
Or maybe instead you say, “You’re using the wrong sword. Here, use this one.”
Trying to help your man by telling him how to do something inadvertently sends him the message that he’s incapable, inept, stupid, or wrong.
According to Harvard Business Review research, men are motivated by feeling successful. Unless it’s a safety issue, let him do it however he wants and keep your mouth shut.
3. You critique everything he does
Some people think that critiquing another person will help them become more successful, but in reality, pointing out flaws generally causes people to feel criticized instead.
Criticism can be the death of a relationship, with one study citing that it can lead to lower relationship satisfaction.
A reader wrote that she gave her man a shopping list: wet cat food, 1 bag of dry dog food, and a bottle of hair conditioner. Her man brought home 2 bags of dry cat food, 2 bags of dry dog food, and 2 bottles of shampoo.
No wet cat food and no conditioner. Instead of chastising him, she recognized his efforts to give her even more than what she’d asked for (albeit the wrong items) and she simply said thank you.
The next time she went to the store, she brought home the cat food and conditioner.
4. You nag him
If he’s agreed to do something and then doesn’t do it, it can be tempting to nag him. Nagging often works at the beginning of a relationship but will lose its effectiveness over time.
Why? Nagging is repetitive and repetitive motion is desensitizing.
Instead of him being more likely to respond to you, nagging will cause him to simply tune you out. If you think he’s going to forget, remind him more positively and subtly. “I’m so glad you’re changing the oil in the car for me.”
Faith Deeter, MFT is a relationship strategist and teacher. Since 1994, she has been helping people improve their lives while facilitating workshops for teens offering continuing education to Law Enforcement, and teaching inmates in a federal prison. She has also been a guest lecturer at Johns Hopkins University.
