By: Sarah Byrne
Whether you’ve thought about him every day or he’s barely entered your mind since you last spoke, you haven’t heard from this dude in months. One day out of the blue, your phone buzzes and leaves you wondering, “Why does he randomly text me after months?”
Key Takeaways
- A guy might text you out of nowhere for lots of reasons, from being wasted drunk to still madly in love with you.
- If he’s going through a tough time, he might just need a friend. That doesn’t have to be you, but it could be.
- He may be playing games, so tread carefully — unless you know him well enough to know that he isn’t.
- If you’re not sure what he wants, and you really want to know, just ask him.
Why Guys Randomly Text You After Months of No Contact
1. He’s breadcrumbing you
Narcissists and manipulators love to play games. One game they love to play has been coined breadcrumbing by the dating zeitgeist. This means a person will give someone crumbs of attention every so often, just enough to keep them around and invested.
When a man is breadcrumbing you, it’s usually because he wants to keep you interested in him. He wants your attention to be on him rather than elsewhere, “with no intention of being in a relationship,” according to an article from the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health.
Authors Rodríguez-García et al. explain that “the modus operandi of the breadcrumber is to deceitfully leave a trail of breadcrumbs along the road to a meeting that will never take place.[1]
If this pattern seems familiar, breadcrumbing could be the reason he’s come out of the woodwork. He’s laying a trail of crumbs for you to follow.
Do yourself a favor and don’t gobble them up.
2. He’s expecting you to run back to him
Speaking of narcissists . . . You haven’t spoken to or texted him for months and you’re happy enough with that arrangement. But he has an ego bigger than the state of Texas and he’s been expecting you to come running back to him.
You haven’t, so now he’s thinking you must have lost his number, fallen into a coma, or been abducted by aliens, because unfathomably, he hasn’t heard from you.
He’s texting to see if you’re still alive, because if you are, and you haven’t lost the use of your faculties, he must solve the mystery of why you haven’t come back begging.
3. He’s horny
A man getting in touch randomly, especially if it’s late at night, is very possibly a booty call. Especially if his first text is “You up?”
If you have a sexual history with him, chances are he wants to add to the history book. This dude is horny and he’d rather bother you than put in the effort with someone new, and he already knows all the right buttons to push (at least he thinks so).
It will be easy enough to figure out if it’s a booty call or not; he’ll probably get to the point pretty quickly. Now you just have to figure out what you want to do about it.
4. He’s lonely
It’s possible that he’s been going through a hard time and just needs someone to talk to. If you were a big part of his life, he might still feel emotionally attached to you. If he’s feeling lonely and vulnerable, it’s only natural that he’d turn to you.
Research from the University of York found that men are the lonelier of the sexes, especially single men. Ratcliffe et al. explain that “romantic relationships are more important for preventing loneliness in men.”[2] So, if he hasn’t moved on to a new relationship, you’re the next best thing.
If you think this might be the case, maybe hear him out. After all, we’re all just trying to survive the day-to-day struggle of loitering on this doomed space rock. Unless the relationship was toxic, being his virtual shoulder to lean on for a while might help you both more than you know.
5. He’s drunk
We all know alcohol lowers our inhibitions, and when that happens, we sometimes say things we wouldn’t be bold enough to say sober. If he’s had a few drinks, he may be sending you a message that he’s wanted to send for a long time.
On the other hand, nostalgia (and tequila) might have just gotten the better of him. If he’s drunk and alone, perhaps he’s feeling sad and sentimental. He’ll probably be mortified in the morning, and he may even apologize.
6. He’s changed
Sometimes, people are given a wake-up call when they go through a breakup. Let’s call it a breakup wake-up. It’s possible that after you split, he realized he wasn’t all that and a bag of chips, and decided he should work on himself.
After a few months of self-love (get your mind out of the gutter, I mean therapy and exercise) he’s found himself in a much better state of mind. He’s more confident, he’s healthier, and he feels like a better person.
He’s reaching out now because he’s improved himself for you — he’s a high-value man now — and is in the right state of mind to try again. If you’re not interested, don’t confuse him by leading him on. Give him the ol’ “Well done you” and send him on his way.
7. You’ve changed
Maybe you’re the one who’s had a breakup wake-up. It’s easy to let ourselves go when we’ve been in a relationship for a while. I know I certainly have, but thankfully my husband doesn’t seem to have noticed, bless his heart.
Often, after women go through a breakup, they’ll have a mini (or maxi) glow-up. Women might change their hairstyle, get some sexy new clothes, maybe lose some weight — that weight that we put on when we get comfortable in a relationship is the first thing to go, right after the man — and if you’re looking your best self now, he may have noticed.
A message telling you that you’re looking good means he’s noticed, and he is trying his luck.
8. He hasn’t accepted the breakup
If you were in a relationship with him and he wasn’t fully on board with ending said relationship, he may not have moved on. Some people find it hard to cope when they’ve gone through a breakup.
If this is the case, he could be texting you because he doesn’t want you to move on either. He’s reminding you that he’s still there and hasn’t forgotten about you.
In such cases, it’s important to establish boundaries. If you’re ready to move on and he’s not, too bad for him. Stand your ground. Only you know what’s best for you.
9. He’s jealous
If it’s been a while since you guys were together, you may have hard-launched a new relationship. If he’s getting in touch after seeing or finding out about your someone new, he may be jealous.
He might not want you, but that doesn’t mean he wants anyone else to have you either.
Research shows that how long you were together will affect how jealous he might be. According to the American Journal of Psychological Research, “Men, who have experienced the loss of a mate, may tend to express jealousy more readily the longer he invests in a relationship.”[3]
This is definitely a him-problem, not a you-problem. Focus on your new relationship and let him stew in his own juice.
10. He regrets the breakup
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and in many cases that is true. Sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. If you were in a loving, committed relationship that ended amicably, he may have been thinking about you ever since you parted ways.
A random text months later could mean that he’s realized he simply can’t live without you. Maybe he now sees that whatever your differences, you can work through them together.
How you react obviously depends on the quality of your relationship, but it’s not uncommon for regret to set in after a breakup, when people realize they’ve made a huge mistake.
Maybe he’s texting you now to test the water, to see if you might feel the same way.
11. A change in circumstance
Often things don’t take off between two people, no matter what the attraction is, because life gets in the way. One person has to focus on career or family for a while, and that doesn’t leave much time for anything else.
If he had a lot on his plate before, with work or other commitments, maybe he’s not so busy now. If he was living far away and long distance wasn’t working for you, maybe he’s moved closer to your area and wants to give it another go.
Whether you’ve been waiting around for him or moved on is another story.
12. He misses your friendship
You’re amazing and fun to be with, so it stands to reason that he misses your company. You might have been really good friends, and maybe he misses the bond you shared. You may think a guy wouldn’t miss you after a month or two, but if you had a real connection, he probably does.
Or perhaps he was reminded of you in some way, like he smelled your perfume or walked past your favorite restaurant. That sort of thing can trigger feelings and memories that lie just below the surface and awaken a yearning, if you will, for the person you are reminiscing about.
Neither of you might want to rekindle your romance, but maybe you guys could find a way to be friends now. You must have gotten along well once, and just because it didn’t work out romantically doesn’t mean you can’t still have a friendly relationship if you both want one.
According to an article published in the Journal of Social Psychology, “Although the romantic relationship may not have worked, individuals can turn a satisfying, albeit dissolved, romance into a meaningful and rewarding friendship.”[4]
Exes can make really good friends.
13. He wants an innocent catch-up
One ex of mine, for years after we broke up, would call or text me once or twice a year just to see how my life was going, and fill me in on his. It was nice.
Maybe that’s all it is. Maybe he was reminded of you somehow and he’s feeling nostalgic. Now he wants to chat about the fun times you had or simply wants to know how things are with you. If you were very close before, he will certainly be wondering how you’re doing, and you’re probably wondering about him too.
If your relationship wasn’t serious and didn’t end in heartbreak — maybe you were just dating casually or talking — he may still be curious how you are and what you’re up to these days. Sometimes people just want to stay connected, and if a man keeps reaching out to you every so often, maybe that’s what his goal is — nothing more nefarious than keeping in touch.
Just because you broke up doesn’t mean you don’t still care about one another.
14. He’s looking for a confidence boost
An insecure man might seek attention from women he knows to give himself a little ego boost. He might like the way you make him feel and just want another tasty morsel of that. A bit of positive attention from someone you fancy is a tried and tested way to perk up your confidence levels.
He’s probably not even doing it on purpose. He might just feel down, and he knows if you reply to his message, you may give him the pick-me-up he needs.
Throw the man a bone.
15. He’s keeping his options open
If he’s the kind of guy who likes to keep his options open, this text could be your entry into his virtual waiting room. He just wants to date someone — anyone. He probably has a whole flock of women lingering in his waiting room.
Yeah, he likes you, but he’s not that into you. He wants to keep you close, keep you as a plan B (or C or D or . . .) in case his plan A doesn’t work out.
He’s making sure you stay in touch so you can reconnect in the future if things don’t work out for him elsewhere. I’d truly question your judgment if you stuck around for this — and so would Lizzo.
What to Do When a Guy Randomly Texts You After Months
A guy texting you out of nowhere might seem like a pain, but at least it’s less confusing than when a guy stops texting you out of nowhere. With this, you’ve got a bit more control over the situation.
Wait before you respond
For the love of all that is good and holy, please do not reply to him straightaway. If you see his name pop up on your screen, sit on your hands if you have to. Do not touch your phone for at least five minutes.
You don’t want him to see that you read the message immediately, like you have nothing better to do. You have not been thinking about him, you have not been hoping he would get in touch. You’re far too busy and important for that actually, ok?
Have some fun
If the reason for his text is just that he wants a one-night stand, you should do whatever feels right for you. A booty call might be fun, and if you want to roll with it, no judgment here.
If you are, however, busy with something else, or you know, asleep . . . keep doing what you’re doing. Sleep is wonderful, and a late-night booty call from Thor himself wouldn’t make me abandon my dreams.
Ignore him
He for sure needs to be ignored if he’s texting you because he is drunk, jealous, or looking for attention. There’s no reason that you should have to take time out of your schedule just to feed his need for your attention; he’s not your child.
That doesn’t deserve a response.
Have a conversation
If you think his reasons are innocent, like he wants to keep in touch with you, sure. If you want that, too, you should go for it.
Or if you think he’s reaching out because he is having a tough time, you can be there for him — if that’s what you want. But remember, you’re not obligated to help him.
The same goes for getting back together; if that is something you both want, it’s worth talking about. So, have a conversation and see what happens.
Ask him what he wants
I always find the best way to get the truth out of someone is to just ask them for it straight out. If you’re not sure you can trust him to tell you the truth, that tells you everything you need to know right there.
Ask him why he’s texting, and if he’s genuine, he will tell you.
Conclusion
It won’t take a great deal of sleuthing to figure out why he’s texting you. Drunks and booty callers are easily sussed out, and you can deal with those however you like.
A guy looking for someone to massage his ego will out himself, and the green-eyed monster always shows itself very quickly, so if he’s texting because he’s jealous, you’ll know soon enough.
If he’s texting after all this time for a more serious reason, like he wants to talk about getting back together, it might take him longer to get to the point.
Whatever the reason, take your time and see where your conversation goes. In most cases, it’s best to just ask him what he wants. That way, you don’t have to keep Googling “Why does he randomly text me after months?”
Interested in learning more topics about ending a relationship? Check our page.
References
1. Rodríguez-García, M. C., Márquez-Hernández, V. V., Granados-Gámez, G., Aguilera-Manrique, G., Martínez-Puertas, H., & Gutiérrez-Puertas, L. (2020). Development and validation of breadcrumbing in affective-sexual relationships (BREAD-ASR) questionnaire: Introducing a new online dating perpetration. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(24), 9548.
https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph17249548
2. Ratcliffe, J. M., Galdas, P., & Kanaan, M. (2020). Men and loneliness in the “west”: A critical interpretive synthesis [Unpublished manuscript]. University of York.
https://doi.org/10.21203/rs.3.rs-17584/v1
3. Southard, A., & Abel, M. C. (2010). Sex differences in romantic jealousy: Evaluating past and present relationship experience. American Journal of Psychological Research, 6(1), 41–49.
https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Ashton-Southard/publication/266221243_Sex_Differences_in_Romantic_Jealousy_Evaluating_Past_and_Present_Relationship_Experience/links/565cdbda08aefe619b25458e/Sex-Differences-in-Romantic-Jealousy-Evaluating-Past-and-Present-Relationship-Experience.pdf
4. Bullock, M., Hackathorn, J., Clark, E. M., & Mattingly, B. A. (2011). Can we be (and stay) friends? Remaining friends after dissolution of a romantic relationship. The Journal of Social Psychology, 151(5), 662–666.
https://doi.org/10.1080/00224545.2010.522624
