This is Part 2 of a series on narcissism.
Part 1 of this series visited an astonishing psychoanalytic perspective that defines narcissism as a distortion of reality that, in its extreme, manifests in psychosis (a complete break from the outer world). Narcissism, like in childhood, is a projection of internal states onto the outside world. Consequently, narcissists are the center of the universe they live in.
One of these projections is the love bomb: The exciting proclamations that their crush is perfect and immediately worthy of true love. These gestures can be convincing because it seems the narcissist believes their own claims. And they might.
In Part 1, I closed with the question Does a narcissist love you? Which of course leads to the question: What do you mean by love?
I turn to Erich Fromm, eminent psychoanalyst:
Early in human history, we were deeply connected to nature and dependent on each other for survival. We no longer are either of these things. This leads to a modern existential problem: How do we reduce separateness and aloneness that was not experienced for most of human history? This is no small issue. Fromm believed that separateness was the source of all anxiety.
All. Anxiety.
There are a host of suboptimal solutions. Immature love characterized by receiving and quid pro quo is one, total withdrawal from the outside world (which he called insanity) is another. Anywhere in between are temporary palliatives which can eventually become addictions (alcohol, sex, drugs).
The grand prize for modern humans is achieving productive connections: Mature Love.
According to Fromm, mature love requires a posture of humility, the giving up of human’s natural narcissism that we are born with such that we can freely and generously give of our vitality, joy, talents, and interests to others, autonomously and without outside pressure or rewards.
Second, we must internalize what he called “a syndrome of attitudes” directed at the world as a whole, including oneself. These attitudes, he argued, underlie all kinds of love including parental, brotherly, and mature romantic partnership.
These attitudes include:
- Care, an active and authentic concern for life and growth in general, and for life and growth in another (including yourself).
- Responsiveness, a readiness to respond to the physical and emotional needs of another (including your own).
- Knowledge, knowing a person for who they are (including yourself).
- Respect, seeing a person are they are in their individuality (including yourself).
Mature love requires care, responsiveness, knowledge, and respect.
Source: Jassada Wattanaungoon /Vecteezy
A few things jump out to me immediately:
Knowledge takes time and effort. Fromm dismissed “love at first sight” and the love bomb as deceptive fantasies that will not evolve to maturity. You simply cannot be loved without being known, and you cannot be loved without being respected.
Lack of knowledge and respect underlies objectification: You are seen as a thing and not the whole person that you are.
Because these attitudes must also be directed at the Self, self-knowledge is essential for love.
Finally, you must love (care, respond, know, respect) your authentic self in order to love another.
When we break it down this way, we can see why Fromm argues that narcissism and mature love are at odds.
First, the reality distortions associated with narcissism function to prevent self-knowledge. Grandiosity is compensatory and protects one from deep shame.[1] Thus, the foundation underlying all types of love is absent. You cannot give freely from a place that you cannot identify because it is hidden behind a fraudulent construction. The narcissist is stuck at the gate.
Second, because you are a projection and distortion of the narcissist’s own fantasies, anxieties, and desires, you cannot be known by them. If you cannot be known, you cannot be respected. Without being known and respected, you cannot be loved. You have been objectified. Consequently, the care and responsiveness you think you see are performances without empathy.
Narcissism Essential Reads
Source: Vasil Docinets/Vecteezy
Fromm spoke of narcissism directly and at length. A history of abuse prevents the narcissist from developing out of a childlike state.[2] Like a child, their possessive and self-centered mindset is one of receiving: Adore me, look at me, admire me, satisfy me. To them, “getting love” is the same as “loving.” The focus then is cultivating a persona that is “lovable.” Thus, we see the characteristic charm, charisma, humor, braggadocio, vanity, and seduction.[3] Fromm also pointed out that when their partner has the audacity to express their own needs (a reasonable bid for mature love), the narcissist feels betrayed. That was just not part of the deal.
Fromm summarizes: Narcissists desperately want to be loved, but not to love. Because they can’t.
Can you love a narcissist out of this heartbreaking predicament? No.
Narcissism is not only highly stable but also frustratingly impervious to intervention. The over-confident veneer is a reasonably effective protective mechanism to a history of parental messages that “you are not lovable” (i.e., “I do not care,” “I will not respond,” “I will not know you,” and “I do not respect you as an individual”). The consequence is that this mechanism first excitedly sees you as the solution but then quickly turns to seeing you as the problem, especially if you confront their core—which is exactly what a therapist hopes to do.
Coming soon, Part 3: How can you detect narcissism early and move on before you get sucked in?
[1] Exposure of this core can be disastrous for them and for you.
[2] On social media, I have seen this described as “a mother wound” and “wanting a mother.” Although this is clearly a shallow caricature, it is not entirely without merit.
[3] Successful repeated seduction only serves to bolster this inflated self-image. Fromm referred to certain attributes and possessions—such as a hot car, physique, manner of dress, art, and community good works—as “symbols of narcissism” that are catnip to some targets.
