Source: StarFlames / Pixabay
I’m a relationship researcher and marriage and family therapist, which means that I focus on the human bond, both in academic and clinical settings. Relationships, be those with partners, family, friends, or colleagues, are such an important part of our lives. They can enhance our well-being, provide us with much-needed social support, and lead to feelings of safety and security.
Upon reflecting on the topics that come up in my work, there are some clear standouts. Below I highlight five keys for strengthening your partnerships.
1. Effective communication is key.
Communication is such an important part of relationships. To grow with your partner and create a happy and satisfying partnership, you must be able to share, both openly and honestly. Not only that, but we must be able to navigate disagreements and conflict (which are inevitable). Even individuals in the healthiest relationships are bound to clash. While some may have the instinct to protect themselves by lashing out, especially when feelings get hurt, it’s important to remember that this isn’t the best approach. When you lash out, the things you say will be remembered long after the argument is over. Beyond that, the reason why you were hurt in the first place may not clearly be communicated to your partner, which can potentially lead to future misunderstandings.
To effectively communicate and share your needs, use “I” language. “I” language relates a situation back to you and your feelings, which enables you to fully express how you are being affected. In addition, “I” language focuses on the behavior rather than on attacking the person—in this case, your partner. For example, let’s say your partner makes plans with friends on a day the two of you were supposed to spend together, leaving you feeling hurt. Replacing “Why are you so rude?” with “When you make plans without me, I feel left out” is much more effective. By doing this, you are not attacking your partner’s character and clearly communicate how you feel. Through the use of “I” language, you explain to your partner what the issue is and why you are upset or angry. This allows for much more effective and clear communication.
2. Validate one another.
Validation, unlike affirmation, does not mean that one person agrees with the other. Rather, to validate someone is to acknowledge their feelings, thoughts, beliefs, or desires. Validation does not attempt to alter a person’s experience but, rather, accepts it as is.
Being that members of a couple may each see the world in their own unique way, it is unrealistic to think that both people will always see eye-to-eye. This is where validation comes into play. By acknowledging one another’s different viewpoints, we are able to assert the worth of their ideas and/or feelings and avoid or de-escalate potential arguments.
3. Lose the quid-pro-quo strategy.
Many people have said that relationships should be 50/50, or that partners should adopt a tit-for-tat or quid-pro-quo strategy. In such a situation, partners will reciprocate what the other contributes (good or bad). Therefore, if your partner buys you a present, you buy them one in return. Conversely, if your partner forgets to give you something for your anniversary, you respond in kind, and don’t give them the present you had purchased. This approach can be harmful to the relationship.
Circumstances change, and, at times, one partner may need the other to pitch in a bit more. It is important to be flexible when it comes to what each person contributes. Don’t keep tabs. If you devote yourself fully to the relationship, your partner will hopefully pick up the slack when needed. This can enhance your satisfaction and strengthen your relationship as it communicates that you support one another.
4. Celebrate one another’s successes.
In a strong partnership, we often share both our successes and failures with our partners. Support is incredibly important in helping us get through difficult times, as we often lean on those we trust; however, the value of support is often overlooked when it comes to our successes.
Researchers have found that partners who feel understood, validated, and cared for when sharing a positive event experience greater well-being (Gable et al., 2006). Celebrating your partner’s success is important. Even if you’re both extremely busy, it is important to take time out of the regular schedule (as soon as time permits) to express your deep admiration for your partner and join in on the excitement.
5. Get intimate.
Intimacy, both emotional and physical, is an important part of relationships. Intimacy is often mistaken for sex, and while sex can be part of the equation, it does not paint the full picture. Emotional intimacy is fully knowing and understanding your partner and involves self-disclosure. It is when a person feels safe to share their innermost wants, thoughts, desires, and fears. Intimate relationships are often more satisfying, as a stronger, more genuine bond is created. Research on married couples has shown that emotional intimacy and sexual satisfaction mediate the association between peoples’ appraisal of their partners’ communication and their own relationship satisfaction (Yoo et al., 2016).
Relationships Essential Reads
To create a more emotionally intimate connection with your partner, share feelings, not just facts. Go beyond the details and explore depth to have meaningful conversations. When discussing your day, be sure to share how you feel about each of the events that occurred. Don’t just discuss an exchange you had with a coworker, but what that exchange meant to you, what emotions it stirred up, and what your hopes are moving forward. By doing this, you are giving your partner a look at your inner world. Also, stay curious. Be sure to ask your partner questions about what they share. Invite them to clarify anything you don’t understand and ask follow-ups to prompt a deeper level of discussion. The more you ask, the more you will learn.
These are just a few of the tips intended to build a strong and satisfying partnership. Remember that as we grow individually, we grow as a couple. By working as a team, you can enhance your relationship and be sure that, as this growth occurs, it brings you two closer together.
