Death may be universal, but it’s still a taboo subject in this country.
Perhaps because American society is so focused on remaining youthful and forestalling aging, we have not done a good job of acknowledging death and supporting individuals who are grieving.
There may never be a better time to begin doing so. New York Life Foundation’s most recent State of Grief Report showed that 68 percent of respondents would like a more open dialogue around the topic of grief.
Grief is a natural part of life and a reflection of the love we have for the person who died. However, our society’s culture of silence surrounding bereavement has not only limited our ability to recognize the painful aspects of grief but has also denied us opportunities to identify and talk about how we can grieve in healthy and adaptive ways.
A common sentiment from bereaved families is that they feel external pressure to “get over” the death of their loved one within a certain period. However, grief does not have a set timeline, and for most individuals, waves of grief will ebb and flow over the course of their lives.
The new diagnosis of Prolonged Grief Disorder now included in the DSM-5-TR – the “bible” of mental health – can be misleading because the name itself implies that if one is grieving after a certain amount of time, they are necessarily grieving in an unhealthy way. This notion can make people even more hesitant to express their true feelings about their loss, fearing that someone might think they’re “crazy” or “abnormal” if they still long for their person or continue to feel distressed after a number of years have passed since the death.
Compounding this hesitancy, many well-intentioned family members and friends are often so concerned about saying the “wrong thing” after a death that they don’t say anything at all, leading to an even more profound sense of isolation for those mourning.
Sometimes, grieving in healthy ways requires us to let other people know what’s most helpful to us, including talking about our person, sharing memories of the person, and acknowledging their continued absence.
Another common concern expressed among mourners is that “giving up” the pain of their loss means that they will also lose their connection to the deceased or fail to honor their memory. But there are many ways of connecting to our deceased loved ones that do not center exclusively on intense pain and sorrow.
For example, we can feel close to the person who died by engaging in the same activities that they used to enjoy or living life the way they would have wanted us to live. We can identify things that we had in common with the person and carry on those traits and behaviors as a means of honoring their memory.
Although we may feel burdened with thoughts about how the person died, especially if the cause of death was violent or tragic, we can find ways of transforming the circumstances of the death into something that can prevent other people from suffering in the same way. For example, we can raise money for a relevant cause or pursue a career that directly addresses the circumstances of the death.
Research shows that adaptive grieving is the norm and that most bereaved individuals will go on to lead healthy, happy lives. However, it is also true that a significant minority of individuals can feel so “stuck” in their grief that it impairs their ability to function, sometimes requiring treatment.
We can begin to address this problem by having an open dialogue about grief, which can normalize and validate mourners’ experiences and ensure that those who do need a higher level of support receive it.
Together, we can build a more grief-informed society, one in which we never have to grieve alone. We can start building this society today, by openly naming grief, accepting that it’s part of our reality, and recognizing it in all its forms, including its positive, generative aspects.
In this way, we can transform our tragedies into triumphs and painful endings into hopeful new beginnings.
A version of this post also appears in MindSite News.
