Excessively high standards aren’t just unrealistic; they also become the foundation of a self that exists in stark contrast to one’s aspiration.
Psychoanalyst Karen Horney called the process of implementing these exacting standards, “the tyranny of the shoulds.” Having “shoulds,” expectations for oneself and others, is normal, but those tendencies may become corrupted when failing to account for the limitations of each involved, instead conceiving of them as excuses. For the perfectionist, almost everything feels like an excuse, so he may seesaw between denial, becoming defensive and rebellious when asked to change, and obsession, desperately attempting to cultivate a flawless self. While the standards appear noble, and even beneficial in theory, through inspection, they betray the frailty of a less honorable human.
The individual preoccupied with “shoulds,” possessing limited empathy for himself and others, is, temporarily, able to corral the internal tyrant and displace him. He learns to bludgeon his victims with his morality. So, paradoxically, he becomes worse as he becomes better. Many popular articles, books, and podcasts address this tyranny by attempting to persuade the perfectionist of his innate goodness and how hard he’s being on himself, yet they miss a significant problem: his need to remake the world in his own image, to live in a world of unbridled harmony. The perfectionist is as selfish as he is altruistic, being limited by his understanding of what’s good and right, regardless of others’ emotional and even physical needs. Perfectionism should be challenged as much as soothed, for many of the world’s ills are created by those who believe they’re good.
Examining the Motivators and Outcomes of Being Too Good
Thus, the motivators and outcomes of being too good should be examined. We tend to consider those of average “goodness” (which is pretty much most of us) with disdain, imploring them to be better. We are a culture that tends to worship extremes, dividing up the world between the good, bad, and indifferent. Yet, often, at the heart of goodness, is something human, masked by our imaginations. Perfectionists tend to struggle with a childlike conception of the world, secretly believing that good always creates more good and bad always creates more bad. To them, morality is, fundamentally, about security, the barrier to external critics, physical harm, and negative self-conceptions. On the one hand, they often remark how silly that perspective is, which of course they “don’t really believe”; yet, on the other, they can’t seem to pinpoint why they’re so obsessed with becoming perfect, or expect that of others. Or, moreover, why flaws in general terrify them so much.
Being unfair to themselves, yes, but also feeling entitled to a version of life seldom had, one of pure love.
Similar to an addiction, the myopic focus on perfection, and the unwillingness, at times, to accept external criticism, leaves the perfectionist with severe blind spots. She can’t seem to note how the rigidity of her discipline, her demands, and fluctuating self-esteem foster her resentment of others, specifically, and life, in general, which inevitably spoils whatever semblance of love she may have created. The love associated with life often feels lacking, even when there’s apparently enough of it. No amount of it ever seems to help her feel safe, and no matter how good she is, bad things seem to happen, even when they’re the realized hopes of her fantasies.
Learning to See the Bad in the Good
Psychiatrist Glen Gabbard writes, “Obsessive-compulsive persons are characterized by a quest for perfection. They seem to harbor a secret belief that if they can only reach a transcendent stage of flawlessness, they will finally receive the parental approval and esteem they missed as children.” So, what’s the point of my criticism and focus in treatment? In addition to helping the perfectionist accept that she’s too hard on herself, she may benefit from learning that she isn’t on her way to becoming a “good person,” nor does she necessarily need to be. If she can learn to see the bad in the good, or at least the self-centeredness of it, she may reduce her need to whip herself and the world into shape, feeling at home amongst the broken but decent. For her own sake, she may become woven back into the fabric of life, no longer self-deceptively standing apart as its weaver.
Therapy‘s purpose isn’t to convince her that she’s a good person; it should help her question why she strongly feels the need to be. And help her acknowledge how much of life she missed for her obsession.
