How often have you asked your partner to put the cap on the toothpaste? Or put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket instead of on the floor?
When our requests get blown off, we are often left with frustration that slowly pushes us to our wits’ end. Before you conclude that your partner doesn’t care, is insensitive, or is just plain lazy, try the following techniques.
Here are the 4 ‘commitments’ a wife must make to get her husband to do what she wants:
1. Commit to taking a different approach
The goal here is to present your request in a way that doesn’t sound accusatory or negative and thereby cause a defensive reaction (which we all know will snowball into an argument.)
Constant arguing in a relationship isn’t a good sign. According to a YouGov poll, couples argue the most about their tone of voice, attitude, money, communication styles, and household chores.
There are ways to remedy the constant fighting in your relationship. An effective approach is to make an objective statement about the situation, without using the word “you.”
Take the toothpaste example: “You never put the cap on the toothpaste” vs. “The toothpaste cap is frequently off” conveys very different messages.
It may seem like a silly tweak in grammar, but using objective statements will make a big difference to the ears of your partner. Your request will be more likely to be heard instead of lost in the shuffle of a defensive overreaction.
2. Commit to naming what you need
Anyone who has ever been a toddler knows that it’s a lot easier to demand something than learn to ask for it nicely. It’s very common for people in relationships to fall into the bad habit of making demands instead of communicating needs.
We all want to feel important and know that we matter to our partners, and it can be difficult to identify the specific things you need to feel connected.
Take the time to sit down and figure it out. To identify your need, fill in the following sentence: If my partner responded to my request, I would feel like I ________________ to him/her.
3. Commit to identifying the feeling
When our requests go unanswered, we often feel frustrated. Keep in mind that frustration is a secondary emotion and is not the root of the problem.
For requests to pack a punch, we have to dig a little deeper and identify the softer (or the primary) feeling underneath frustration. Primary emotions include fear, sadness, anger, or shame.
4. Commit to talking it out
Once you’ve identified what you need and the primary emotions driving those needs, it’s time to put it all together and look at the big picture.
Sit down with your partner when you are both calm. Start with describing the situation objectively (see #1), then let your loved one know how you feel when that happens (see #3), and then communicate what you need (#2).
KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA / Pexels
Communicate this to your partner objectively to get the best response to any request you have, from toothpaste caps to more personal issues.
Good communication is vital for a relationship’s success. Research suggests that it is just one of many factors that impact the success, duration, and satisfaction of relationships.
Jennifer Chappell Marsh is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and supervisor who has spent the last 10 years learning about the science of love and connection. She helps her clients connect with themselves and others.
