Morning friend,
What have you been doing all summer? Anything new? Let’s share favorite reads, favorite places, favorite movies, favorite new finds with each other. Soon (and for many already) kids will be back to school, routines will return to normal, and before too long we will be talking about holidays. My favorite read this summer is Kristin Hannah’s book, The Women.
Time is interesting. When you’re bored, in pain, or can’t sleep it creeps ever so slowly. And when life is good, the days and years fly by. I’m going to have a birthday soon. I can’t believe I’m this old. Reading Hannah’s book about women who served as nurses in the Vietnam War brought me back to my high school and college years. Time moves fast. And yet, for my 94-year-old father, time has slowed again. The Bible reminds us, “Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom” (Psalm 90:12).
This week’s question: Can you please help me understand the difference between a boundary and a threat? I’ve loved learning from you and your team over the past 18 months or so. I really took to heart the message that simply being angry, blaming, or nagging at my husband to change was not going to benefit us. Instead, I accepted his behaviors and adjusted mine accordingly to keep myself safe and sane.
The issue I ran into is when I say things like “If you’re going to go more than 15 miles over the speed limit, I’m not going to ride with you” or “If you’re going to continue procrastinating on making this decision, I’m just going to decide on this day/time,” he says I’m threatening him.
He basically derails the conversation into what a bad wife I am because I should never threaten him since he maintains that he doesn’t threaten me. I feel strongly that there is a difference between setting a boundary and threatening my spouse. I just can’t articulate it in a way that is objective and concise. I would love your help with this. Much appreciated.
Leslie’s Answer: Thanks for your question. It’s not uncommon for people to get confused around boundary conversations. And, at times there may be a bit of overlap between wondering if there is an implied threat when stating a boundary. From what you wrote, it sounds as if the main problem might be in the way you phrased your boundary. When you say things like, “If you don’t do what I want you to do, then I’m going to…”, it may lead someone to perceive your statements as more of a threat than a boundary. So how might you have a boundary and a consequence if someone violates that boundary without sounding like a threat?
Before we get into how you might rephrase something, remember this important truth. You have total control over how you say something, but you have zero control over how someone perceives it. Someone may perceive your words as a threat even if that was never your intention. For example, you might say: If you hit me, I’ll call the police. If you curse at me, I won’t continue the conversation. If you choose to watch pornography, I won’t stay married to you. When you declare what action you will take to protect your own self as a result of someone else’s choices or actions, your spouse may perceive it as a threat.
Therefore, the best you can do when that happens is back up and compassionately listen to his concerns. You can ask for a do-over to listen to what bothered him or felt threatening and attempt to rephrase what you want to communicate. Next, watch and see what happens. For example, do you think anything would change if you listened and then said, “Thank you for sharing how you feel. How you feel is important to me and being a good wife is important to me. I have no desire to control you or threaten you. I’m sorry you felt that way. I’d like a chance to rephrase what I need. Are you open to hearing me?”
PAUSE….is he open? Curious? Caring about what you need? If not, what does that tell you? If he is closed, maybe your next sentence might be, “You said you want me to care about how you feel and I do, but I’m sensing that you do not want to hear how I feel. Am I right? PAUSE. Does he respond? Look at you? Show care? Or.. shut down, ignore you, withdraw, blow up, or misinterpret you again? If he shows no interest or care in you, in your conversation, STOP. You have your answer, and more conversation will make things worse for you both.
If you sense he’s open, then continue. “I believe a good wife partners with her husband to solve problems in a way that works for both of them. I hear you – you don’t want me to tell you how to drive or when to make decisions. You don’t want to feel threatened by me. I get that. And similarly, I don’t want to feel scared or powerless to make decisions I need to make just because we’re married. For example, when you drive fast or when you put off a decision that I think needs to be made it really stresses me out. Just like you don’t want to feel threatened by me, I don’t want to feel stressed out by you. When I tell you, I’ll drive myself, or I’ll make the decision, it’s my attempt to deal with my stress around the upsetting situation, not to control you or threaten you. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to tell you how to drive, but I don’t want to feel scared when you’re going faster than I feel safe with. I want you to care about how I feel, just like you want me to care about how you feel. I don’t know how we can have a good marriage if we both feel uncared about.” PAUSE…..let him respond or process.
Then watch to see what happens next. The fact that he told you how he felt, and he didn’t want to be threatened is a positive. But let’s see if he can also care about how you feel as you model caring for him with your new words and actions.
Sadly, many individuals do not learn healthy sharing, healthy conflict, or how to be emotionally vulnerable in relationships. Think back to your husband’s family of origin style of relationship and talking through conflict or problems. It may be that he never learned how to have a win/win conversation, where both sides felt heard and valued. It may be that his faith community valued a male voice more than a female voice and that men’s needs, feelings, or thoughts were seen as more important than a woman’s. No excuses, but it gives you a picture of where he’s come from. As you get stronger, you can invite him into new healthier ways of communicating. You will not always say things perfectly but as you are learning, you can stop, clarify, apologize, and say it differently. That makes space and invites him to also stop, reflect, clarify, and perhaps be more honest or vulnerable about what’s going on with him. No guarantees, but when you change your dance steps, he cannot dance the same crazy dance without your cooperation.
When you do this hard work for yourself, please don’t get discouraged if he does not respond positively to your changes and reciprocate. This new way of talking with him will give you more information on where he is at. On a positive note, he might show he’s relieved and interested. He shared his feelings about feeling threatened, and you responded with compassionate curiosity. Or he may shut down and continue to see you as threatening because you are not willing to be a continuous victim and stay quiet. Keep vigilant over yourself. Surround yourself with godly support. Don’t allow his continued unhealthy ways to drag you back down. For now, he may be telling you he doesn’t want to change, grow, or be curious about you or himself. That is painful for sure but please don’t let it thwart your own forward momentum. God desires your growth even if he refuses that path. Our “Walking in Core Strength” Group Coaching program is open now and has a few more spots. You may consider joining.
The apostle Paul has some important guidance for these dilemmas in Romans 12. He says, “as much as it depends on you, be at peace with people.” Paul is realistic. He knows it’s not always possible to achieve true peace with people including spouses. And he’s not suggesting peace-faking, or compliance masquerading as peace. Paul is promoting shalom, a godly peace. Nowhere is this more important than in family relationships. You can take this next right step to clarify your words and share with him what you need. However, he may not like it or respond positively. That doesn’t mean you did it wrong, it just means he is incapable or unwilling to give you the safety and security you need. When a home feels like a war zone it takes its toll on your mind, body, and spirit. You have the right to steward your safety and sanity especially if he is reckless with you. If that still causes him to feel threatened, that is because he’s focused solely on what he wants, not on what you or your marriage needs.
Friends, when you have been challenged on your stated boundaries or consequences, how have you handled yourself, when the other person didn’t like it or felt threatened?
