Having a spat with your partner never gets easier. On the one hand, you want to make things right. But on the other hand? You simply don’t know how to or it feels like there’s a block between your mouth and the words.
So, how do we sincerely say, “I’m sorry,” to our partner without making things worse? And can someone who tends to entrench learn to apologize?
Four steps that can help anyone learn to apologize
Relationship podcaster Jimmy Knowles discusses the four steps you need to take to properly apologize to your partner.
1. Pause and imagine how your partner is feeling
“Research has actually shown that the way we repair conflict together makes or breaks our entire relationship,” begins Knowles.
So, when we inevitably hurt our partner how should we properly apologize? And what should we say that could help our relationship get back on track?
Knowles says, “The way we show someone that we care when they’re hurt is by leaning in and staying engaged and actually listening to them.” We do this by saying, “I feel this way,” instead of, “You’re making me feel this way.”
Knowles says, “That doesn’t mean we have to abandon our boundaries and tolerate yelling or name calling.” Rather, the goal here is to simply listen and understand where you both are coming from. That way you can apologize properly.
As Knowles says, “We can’t apologize until we actually understand what we’re apologizing for, right?” And in the same breath, we can’t understand unless we get curious and ask questions.
2. Be strong enough to take ownership of your actions
The next step involves taking accountability for your mistakes. Now don’t get it twisted — this doesn’t mean apologizing for things that you didn’t do. And it doesn’t mean admitting to their accusations.
But, it does mean taking ownership and admitting to things you could’ve and should’ve done better in that situation, as demonstrated in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (2012).
As Knowles says, “Keep excuses out of your apology. Don’t justify yourself and don’t somehow come back around and blame them for why you did or didn’t do something.”
3. Validate how your partner is feeling
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Next, you need to understand and acknowledge the impact your actions had on your partner. You don’t have to agree that they should feel that way or that you meant to make them feel that way. You just have to acknowledge that their feelings are real.
Say, “I understand why you would feel that way. Because I did this it caused you to feel this way.”
Understand that your partner wants to feel understood and cared for. A study on reconciliation in married couples’ conflict supports that meeting them halfway and accepting your part better helps to resolve tensions.
4. Express genuine remorse for the role you played in their hurt
Last, express genuine regret and remorse for what you did. It’s not enough to just say, “I’m sorry you feel this way” because there’s no ownership or even remorse.
So, what should you do instead? Instead, try saying, “I’m sorry for the role I played in this by . In the future, this is what I plan to do to prevent this from happening again.” Then, thank your partner for sharing their feelings and concerns with you.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics
