Relationships are complicated. By a certain age, most of us have had at least one long-term relationship or marriage that has fallen apart.
The starry-eyed optimism of forever love may have dulled a bit into the understanding that sometimes relationships don’t work out even with the best intentions.
At this point, we’ve experienced enough heartbreak and betrayal to realize that things happen, and we’re all just doing our best.
When you meet a married man who shows interest, you might believe he also has good intentions. Perhaps he said he’s separated or going through a divorce. He says a lot of things.
You know relationships are complicated, and you want to believe him. But how can you tell if a married man is using you?
13 signs a married man is using you, according to a former therapist who has seen it all:
1. His wife doesn’t know you exist
His wife should know about you if he’s in an open relationship. You should even be able to confirm the nature of their relationship with no problem. You shouldn’t have to hide anything.
If he’s separated or going through a divorce, does his social media clearly show his relationship status, or does it still say he’s married?
While he may not want to be public about a new relationship before the old one has ended, it’s not uncommon for separated people to be openly dating (despite some studies published by the National Library of Medicine indicating that initiating relationships outside the marriage tends only to benefit one of the partners, not both).
If everything is aboveboard, why would you keep it a secret? This could be a key sign that a married man is using you.
2. You meet when it’s convenient for him
Is the entire relationship built around his needs and convenience? Can you call him up when you’re having a tough day and know he’ll show up for you?
Yes, he has work and other obligations. You get that. You’re likely just as busy. However, he might use you if all the meetings are around his schedule, not yours.
Relationships take compromise. They shouldn’t be tilted toward one person’s convenience while disregarding the others.
If he texts you at the last minute to meet and rarely makes plans, this relationship could be a one-way street.
3. You haven’t met any important people in his life
He could be using you if you haven’t met any of his friends or family. Do they even know about you? If you’re a deep, dark secret, it could be time to ask yourself if that’s how you want to live.
Don’t you deserve to be with someone proud to be with you?
If he says he’s going through a separation or divorce, the important people in his life should know about it. Otherwise, he may be lying about his marriage.
4. He controls the contact
A person using you might have clear parameters about when you can text or call. You can’t just pick up the phone and get in touch.
Controlling the contact could mean that he has carefully slotted you into a particular role in his life, and it’s not a leading one.
Having clear boundaries around work hours or time with children is understandable.
Yet, if the relationship is so restricted that you’re not allowed to initiate contact at certain times, this could be a sign of a real problem.
5. He doesn’t take you on actual dates
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If you want to know if a married man is using you, consider the relationship. Does he take you out on dates, or do you just meet for sex?
Did he only initially take you out on dates and now no longer see the point?
There is no courtship beyond seduction when a married man is using you. If he won’t go out in public with you, it’s a problem.
If the relationship includes sex but never romance, that could be a problem, too.
Maybe you don’t consider yourself romantic, or it’s just not your priority. Still, someone interested in a serious relationship with you will prioritize planning dates to spend time with you.
6. He isn’t planning a future with you
So, he’s going through a divorce, separated, or in an open relationship. Whatever excuse he gives you for still being married, you believe it.
But is he planning a future with you, or does he skim over what that will look like?
If he never mentions the future or mentions it only in the vaguest terms, he might see you as a temporary part of his life.
You could be a rebound or his transition person, not the love of his life. You need to understand the role he has cast you in so you can decide if that’s who you want to be. It’s not up to him; it’s up to you.
If he’s got you in a supporting role and you want to play the lead, it may be time to bow out of this relationship.
7. He compartmentalizes his everyday life
If he’s not sharing the intimate details of his life, he might just be using you.
He doesn’t have to participate in a feelings circle to open up about his life. If he keeps his “real” life separate from his relationship with you, it should indicate how he sees your interaction.
Are you left out of significant holidays or events? Did your invitation to the neighborhood block party mysteriously go missing?
His real life and relationship shouldn’t be separate — unless he’s just using you.
8. He doesn’t take or post pictures with you
Check his social media. You’re a friend already, aren’t you? If not, here’s your answer. If you are a friend or follower, look at what he posts. Can anyone else tell that he knows you?
Does he take or post pictures with you?
Yes, some people are private. However, if you can see that he once regularly posted pictures of past girlfriends or his wife but kept you hidden, he might not be taking your relationship seriously.
It could just be a temporary fling for him. Is that okay with you?
9. You’re the only one making an effort
Not only do you not have dates anymore, but he’s not consistently making an effort. You get together when it works for him, not you.
He texts when he wants to and ignores you when he doesn’t, making no effort to maintain the relationship.
You wonder if he would let it drop off entirely if you stopped reaching out.
Even his efforts in the bedroom have become routine and lackluster. His efforts focus on his pleasure, not yours. If you don’t want to have sex, he may not want to come around.
10. You don’t feel like a priority
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If he’s using you, you’re certainly not a priority. Do you constantly come in second to his wife? Are you somehow on the back burner, the last resort when there’s nothing else going on in his life?
It doesn’t feel good when the person you’re with pushes you to the side. You want to feel like a priority even if other parts of his life, like children, have to come first. You’re not being unreasonable. If he gaslights you into thinking that wanting to be a priority is asking too much, he’s the problem — not you.
11. He bribes you with pretty things.
He buys you something every time you want to take the relationship forward.
Maybe he lavishes you with gifts or takes you on a memorable trip.
When you insist on meeting his friends, letting his wife know about your existence, or taking things to the next level, there’s always an expensive distraction or special effort.
He may not use the words to indicate he’s bribing you for your silence, but his effort, gifts, and compliments just fall around when you push for more from him or the relationship.
12. He doesn’t ask you about your life.
One of the main signs a married man is probably using you is he never really wants to know about your life outside the relationship.
A man who’s invested in you wants to know everything about you. A man who’s using you won’t care.
Sure, he’ll listen if you bring it up. He may even seem interested. But he never asks. He sees your lives outside the relationship as separate from what you do together.
It may even seem like he has two faces—the one he shows you and the one he is to everyone else. Yes, this should concern you.
13. He treats you like a sidepiece.
Do you feel like a side piece? That’s the real question. It’s the only one that matters. You likely are if he makes you feel like his side chick instead of a VIP.
You might not even be the only one.
The gaps in communication, his long silences, and the inconsistency in what he tells you make you think he’s lying, which could mean you’re just one of many side chicks in his life.
Your intuition is likely correct — but what will you do now that you know?
What to do if he’s using you:
No one but you can decide what to do when you realize your relationship is not what you thought. But once you know, you can’t un-know it. If he has a wife, you likely suspected this day could eventually come. Now, you have to decide how you’re going to handle it.
Don’t lie to yourself.
If you want to continue the relationship, don’t lie to yourself. Don’t tell yourself that the spouse is terrible or that you’re meant to be together.
If you’re going to go forward as his side piece and only his side piece, are you willing to commit to this role with your eyes open?
Are you willing to look at the damage you could be causing by participating in an affair? Are you willing to settle for the crumbs he will throw your way?
Forgive yourself.
You may not have known he had a wife. You may have believed his separation or divorce story. He lied, and you might feel guilt and shame around the relationship.
Forgive yourself. You didn’t — couldn’t — know.
What you do about it next is on you. But forgive yourself for not knowing the truth until you saw it for yourself. Maybe you saw some red flags and even suspected them.
No one wants to believe that a person they love would lie. Have compassion for the version of yourself that you loved and trusted.
Love yourself first.
You deserve to be loved, not used.
Love yourself enough to choose yourself, even if it means being lonely or grieving the relationship.
Love yourself enough to know what you deserve — and don’t settle for less.
You are not responsible for his actions. You are responsible for your own. Choose to be self-loving as you progress, treating yourself with the kindness you would extend to your best friend.
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Choose your next move wisely.
What will you do now? Will you confront him with the truth? Will you tell the spouse? What’s your plan, and are you ready to deal with the fallout?
You’re the only one who can make this decision. Maybe it’s a good time to source help from trusted friends and professionals.
Therapy could help you work through the myriad emotions you might be experiencing.
If you’ve ended up in this relationship before, it could be time to explore why you choose unavailable partners and how you can heal so that you no longer do.
We want to believe in the best of other people. We don’t want to think we’re just the rebound or the temporary fling on the way to something more serious. No one likes to feel used.
Take gender out of the equation. Becoming the side piece of a married person can happen to anyone. Research in The Journal of Sex Research has found that men report cheating more often than women.
A surprising fact revealed in this research is that new partners usually did not motivate infidelity. Here are some reasons they chose to cheat:
- Partner dissatisfaction and comfort with casual sex were higher motivators for married people to choose to have an affair, particularly with participants who identified as Christian.
- Younger and Christian-identifying participants reported cheating to get back at their partners.
- Women reported that neglect was a critical factor in their decision.
The truth is that the married person likely is using you. They’re using you for comfort, validation, an ego boost, sex, and even to transition to a single life.
They haven’t closed out their relationship before moving on to the next.
Or they haven’t spent time alone, grieved the relationship’s end, and worked through their baggage.
They may not even have any intention of leaving the relationship.
Even if their intentions are good, is this the best possible relationship for you? Only you can decide.
Research in The Family Journal reported that critical factors in maintaining relationships included ongoing and consistent efforts in secure attachment, sex, boundaries, unity, shared values that support monogamous relationships, and coping both individually and as a couple.
If his intentions are good, ask yourself how much effort he’s putting into these aspects of his relationship with you.
If any of the 13 signs he’s using you are present, it may be time to look honestly at what you’re doing and whether that’s what you want.
Crystal Jackson is a former family therapist who writes in various genres, including blog posts, poetry, short stories, children’s books, and literary fiction.
