Hiding who you truly are is something no one should go through, but sometimes people don’t have a choice. People stay in the closet for a variety of reasons, including a fear of negative reactions, their environment won’t let them, and they’re ashamed, according to research.Â
I have something to confess to you and I truly hope you will try to hear it.
It took about 5 years, after coming out and delivering the “I’m gay” blow to our relationship before I felt like my ex-wife was finally hearing me and that I, in turn, was finally hearing her. I feel fortunate that we got to that space. Most fractured couples do not.
Coming out can be scary, but it has its benefits. Research from Skidmore University tells us it can lead to improved mental health, help build self-esteem, and develop closer relationships.
The truth that I revealed to her — that I am gay — may have started me on a road to greater honesty and clarity in my own life, but it simultaneously thrust her into a deep shadow of confusion about what (if anything) had ever been true or real in her life. Or rather, in our life, together.
It has now been over 14 years since I uttered the words, “Frankly, my dear — I’m gay.” But even after all this time and all of the healing that has occurred between us, I know there are still more confessions I’d like her to hear.
Here are 10 things I need my ex-wife to know after coming out as a gay man:
1. I really did love you
I just didn’t love you in the way you define “love” in your heart, mind, and body. I apologize.
2. I enjoyed the act of intimacy with you
But I was never really fully “there” with you. I tried.
3. I hid my truth and escaped into intimacy outside of our relationship with men, which left less time for us
I’m sorry.
4. I didn’t marry you just to have two beautiful daughters, but I’m glad you are their mother, I’m blessed
5. I didn’t intentionally marry you to see if it could “cure” me of being gay
I married you because we clicked on so many other important levels (except for that gay thing.) I’m glad for the time I spent with you.
6. I lied (and was ultimately pretending) at the altar on our wedding day, and in doing so, I let you build false hopes for your future
I’m sorry for that.
7. I shared the laughter, tears, joys, and challenges of a long-term relationship with you because so many aspects of “us” did work
I’m grateful.
8. I never let myself fully be “me,” so you never had the chance to know the real me until after I came out
9. I didn’t know how to be man enough to stand up for my beliefs and my truth at age 19Â
Yet, if I had, I never would have met you or had our two beautiful daughters. I’m lucky it worked out that way.
Nataliya Vaitkevich / Pexels
10. I believe that we all have more than one soulmate in our lives, and you’re living proof of that, I thank you.
Confessions are like the pooper-scoopers of our lives. Once the reality drops on the sidewalk, you can either leave it there for someone else to step in, or grab your pooper-scooper and clean it up yourself.Â
I prefer cleaning up the mess of coming out myself. After all, it was my own “stuff” that caused the pain and drama to begin with, not my ex-wife’s or anyone else’s.
Rick Clemons is a certified professional coach, speaker, author, and podcaster who inspires corporations, entrepreneurs, college and university students, and individuals to make their bold moves.Â
