As author, Haruki Murakami says, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” I’ve decided to take her up on that sound advice — it’s time to accept that the pain of failure is inevitable, but the suffering I inflict upon myself, surrounding failure, is ridiculous and overrated.
Here are 5 blunt reasons you’re not winning at life:
1. You’re living for others, instead of yourself
Contrary to popular belief, doing for yourself is not entirely selfish … it’s healthy. According to the New York Times, not only is it good for us, it can lead us to be more compassionate for others.
When we give of ourselves, to ourselves, it becomes much easier to give freely to others.
It simply takes a shift in perspective to say, “I’m giving freely to myself in a healthy, non-egotistical manner so that I don’t resent giving to everyone else first without having a sliver of self-left for little old me!”
2. Your definition of “failure” and “success” is epically misguided
We’ve all heard the phrase, “blind leading the blind!” Truth is, you’re probably leading yourself down hazy, obscure, and unrealistically defined paths of failure and success.
Are your definitions of failure and success fully aligned with your values, beliefs, and the truest essence of who you are? If not, you might want to put those two words back under the microscope and redefine them aligned, more closely, with your values (no one else’s).
3. You haven’t started with “Why?”
I’m not trying to steal Simon Sinek’s thunder, but the man knows what he’s talking about when he says, “Start with ‘why!'” If you don’t know why failure and success weigh heavily on your psyche, heart, and soul then you’re simply allowing untethered feelings to run amuck.
You have to un-muddle the muddled and sift through the mud to get to the “real deal” answers as to why success and failure drive you to do what you do … in life, love, and every other aspect of life, including business and career.
4. Your inner “drama queen” is always in the house
Yes, we all have one (so don’t lie)! Our inner “drama queen” is that alter ego that likes to make mountains out of molehills.
You know, the ones that stamp their heels on the floor incessantly, eyes tightly shut, crying, “I’ve failed, I’ve failed, I’ve failed” — all the while stopping between beats to peak out of the eye slits, to see if anyone is paying any attention to you.
Failure is not the end of the world, it’s the opposite. According to research from The University of Virginia, embracing failure is the only way to learn, and eventually succeed.
If it requires drama for you to announce you’ve failed, then the likelihood that you failed in a big way is probably more made up than real.
Here’s the “drama queen” test: If you’ve failed and you don’t have knots in your stomach, find yourself afraid to look people in the eyes, your heart isn’t racing, and you’re not having to stutter the words, then your failure is more likely an attempt to get attention. Just saying!
5. You’ve cried wolf one too many times
Honestly, hearts break when someone fails. It’s not pretty when you genuinely fail at something that, for all intents and purposes, you were certain you’d be successful. Admit it — the feeling sucks!
However, the first cousin to “drama queen” is the person who cries wolf, and this ain’t no fairy tale. No one (okay, maybe the secret league of “Let’s Cry Wolfers”), enjoys being called into pains of false sympathy.
It’s exhausting, nerve-racking, and downright annoying to always be around someone whose knickers are perpetually weighed down by a fresh, large load of failure.
Rajib Ahmed / Pexels
At this point, you’re probably experiencing one of these feelings:
- You’re in full agreement with at least one, if not, all five of the reasons listed above and you’re ready to take steps to get out of the rut.
- Your denial, which runs deep, has set in and you’re feverishly Googling my name — trying to figure out where I live, so you can hunt me down and rebuff me to a pulp, to successfully avoid the real truth of your failures.
- You remain in a complete state of confusion about what you’ve read and, therefore, need to re-read it a couple hundred more times to ensure you comprehend the five reasons you’re failing at everything.
Truth is, where you stand is completely up to you — in your heart, mind, and soul — no matter where you fall on the roads of failure or success. Just remember, where you stand in, both, failure and success is a choice … a choice of how you define, react, and move through life.
Rick Clemons is a certified professional coach, speaker, author, and podcaster who inspires corporations, entrepreneurs, college and university students, and individuals to make their bold moves.
