When award-winning poet and critic, and director of creative writing at Yale University, Richard Deming sat down to write a book about loneliness, he knew his story, among many others, would lead the way in excavating this complex yet universal human experience.
“Essentially, I’ve suffered from chronic loneliness all my life,” Deming shared. “I have substance abuse and addiction in my background as well, and loneliness certainly fueled that. A few years ago, I’d written my second collection of poems, Day for Night, and friends kept referring to it as ‘a meditation on loneliness.’ To be honest, I was surprised because I hadn’t been conscious of that being a theme running through the work, but of course when they pointed it out, I couldn’t not see it.”
He went on to say, “As a topic, loneliness remains understudied and under-addressed, even as it seems to be more and more prevalent all the time.” Determined to better understand loneliness and its connections to creativity, Deming built the book, This Exquisite Loneliness, around the life stories of key figures who acknowledged loneliness as part of their creative and intellectual lives.
Deming is right—loneliness does seem to be on the rise. In fact, in 2023 the U.S. surgeon general issued an advisory on what was named “our epidemic of loneliness and isolation,” which included a National Strategy to Advance Social Connection, an unprecedented step in our nation’s history (OASH, 2023). For many people, turning to social media for connection has become a daily habit in our digitally-saturated world. But this could be making matters worse.
According to research, the more time you spend on social media, the more likely you are to feel lonely. One study showed that more time spent scrolling through snapshots of other people’s happiness on social media actually fueled loneliness and distress, possibly driven by jealousy (Wang, et al, 2020). Using social media to maintain connections with others tends to lead toward yet more feelings of loneliness, perhaps as a result of disappointed expectations—virtual interactions may not be adequate substitutes for face-to-face conversations and shared experiences (Bonsaksen T, et al, 2023).
Psychology Today turned to Deming to help tell the story of loneliness, social media, and how readers can discover creativity in the midst of their loneliness.
Q: What exactly is loneliness?
Ultimately, I define loneliness as the painful feeling arising from the sense that one’s relationships aren’t enough to meet one’s emotional needs. One either feels that there aren’t enough relationships in one’s life or if there are many relationships, they are mostly superficial. Either way, there’s a perceived lack of intimacy. Or there can be strong, healthy relationships but these nevertheless have some gaps in connection or understanding. Even the most committed, loving, stable partnerships have gaps. That of course sounds a bit clinical, and like all emotions, loneliness is often more complex and subtler than that. That’s why I wanted to come at the question by way of life stories—mine and others. I saw that the pain of loneliness can come with real stakes—poor health, stress, suicide, overdose. I wanted to get to a place where we could really acknowledge what loneliness is as a way to understand its effects.
Author Richard Deming explores the connection between loneliness and creativity.
Source: Jean-Jacques Poucel, used with permission
Let’s call it a longing for connection. In that way, loneliness isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It urges to connect with other people. Much like hunger spurs us to eat and get nutrients, loneliness gets us to reach out. It’s a natural drive. Of course, unchecked things become problematic. Longing involves discomfort and the sharper the longing, the more urgent it becomes, the sharper the pain.
Q: In your book, you report research that shows how loneliness is on the rise for millennials, baby boomers, and beyond. Based on your research for this book, why do you think people struggle so much with loneliness in today’s world?
I wouldn’t rule out the fact that as loneliness does seem more and more widespread, people become more aware of it as a real social force that impacts everyone in an entirely personal way. In other words, is loneliness increasing? Or are we becoming more willing to think about it? Of course, both things can be true.
That said, it does seem to be worsening and there are numerous elements that we can see affecting how people feel. Certainly for decades now there has been a winnowing away of larger forms of social interaction—from bowling leagues to local theater. Life patterns and hiring tendencies have meant that people are more likely than ever before to move away from family and away from where they grew up in order to start their careers, which frays long-standing social connections. Even working from home, as so many more people are doing now, can serve to isolate people. The collective experience of working in an office changes and people simply are more alone.
Social media also is of course a factor—and such an obvious one that it might seem cliché to mention it. Yet, if we think of social media as being not real, meaningful connection but instead the illusion of connection, then we can start to see how it works on us. It’s like so much empty emotional calories. If loneliness is a hunger, then social media or even Zoom and the like can be akin to eating a bag of Oreos. Social media also often works to manipulate our perception of others. We see the idealized versions of life that others post (so fun, so exciting, so happy and fulfilled!) and wonder why it doesn’t square with our experiences of life. There is also the problem of confronting the discrepancies between our own publicly curated versions of ourselves and how we might actually feel about ourselves. The gap between the real and the ideal—between the actual and the performed—only comes across that much more keenly.
Loneliness Essential Reads
This Exquisite Loneliness by Richard Deming.
Source: Richard Deming, used with permission
Q: How can readers discover creativity in their loneliness?
Ultimately, loneliness isn’t something we choose, it chooses us. That’s one way it differs with solitude, which is something we choose. Loneliness can come upon us, but we don’t have to be powerless about it. If loneliness is a story we tell ourselves, we might actively revise that narrative or, like Hurston, gather together tales, experiences, and anecdotes in order to weave new ones, ones that give us a space to live our lives in.
Loneliness is often associated with shame and a real fear about what it implies about us. What This Exquisite Loneliness looks at is how certain thinkers, writers, and artists saw their loneliness and used it as an engine to reach out to others and to create new ideas, and new forms of expression. It might not resolve the loneliness but it can be that others feel solace, comfort, and a recognition of fellow feelings by way of the things that came out of that loneliness. Central to my own thinking is the question “What can we make out of loneliness?” is a legitimate response to “What can we do about loneliness?”
