We all want to believe we’re good partners. But what if, without realizing it, you’re engaging in behaviors that make you come across as a jerk to the person you love most? It’s easy to fall into patterns that feel justified or normal but can slowly erode the trust and connection in your relationship. Here are three hurtful ways you might unintentionally act like a jerk to your partner and what you can do to turn things around.
1. Invalidating Their Feelings
One of the most common yet damaging ways to be a jerk in a relationship is by invalidating your partner’s feelings. This can happen in subtle ways, such as dismissing their emotions as overreactions, telling them to “calm down,” or minimizing what they’re going through with phrases like, “It’s not that big of a deal,” or “You’re being too sensitive.”
As I learned when researching my relationship book, Why Can’t You Read My Mind? invalidation can make your partner feel unheard and insignificant, leading to resentment and a communication breakdown. Over time, this behavior can create a toxic environment where your partner no longer feels safe sharing their genuine emotions with you. They might start withdrawing, bottling up their feelings, or turning to others for emotional support, which can drive a wedge between the two of you.
What to Do Instead: Practice active listening and empathy. When your partner expresses their feelings, acknowledge their emotions, whether you agree with them or not. Try saying, “I can see that you’re upset about this, and I’m here to listen.” Even if you don’t fully understand their perspective, showing that you respect their feelings is crucial. It’s not about fixing the problem on the spot; it’s about being there for them emotionally.
2. Making Everything About You
It’s natural to talk about yourself in conversations, but if you constantly steer discussions back to your experiences, you could unintentionally sideline your partner’s needs and concerns. This can come off as selfish or narcissistic, making your partner feel like their thoughts and feelings don’t matter as much as yours.
For example, suppose your partner is sharing a stressful day at work, and you immediately jump in with your work-related story without first addressing their experience. In that case, you’re more interested in your issues than theirs. Over time, this behavior can lead to feelings of isolation and frustration for your partner, as they may feel that the relationship revolves more around you than a mutual exchange of support.
What to Do Instead: Make a conscious effort to balance the conversation. When your partner shares something, please immediately resist the urge to relate it to yourself. Ask follow-up questions, express empathy, and allow them to fully explore their thoughts and feelings before you share your own. This shows that you value their experiences and are genuinely interested in what they say. It’s about creating a space where you feel equally heard and respected.
3. Holding Grudges
Grudges are silent relationship killers. Holding onto past grievances and bringing them up repeatedly in arguments can make you seem vindictive and unforgiving, even if you believe you’re just being honest about your feelings. This behavior can prevent your relationship from progressing, trapping you and your partner in a cycle of resentment and unresolved conflict.
When you continually rehash old issues, it drags the relationship down and signals to your partner that you haven’t truly forgiven them. This can lead to a loss of trust and create a toxic environment where both partners are walking on eggshells, afraid to make any mistake that could be held against them later.
Relationships Essential Reads
What to Do Instead: Let go of the past and focus on the present. If you’ve already addressed an issue, try to move on instead of revisiting it during every disagreement. This doesn’t mean you should ignore your feelings; instead, you should work on resolving them in a way that allows both of you to heal and grow. Consider talking to a therapist or counselor if you’re struggling to let go of past hurts. Remember, forgiveness is not about excusing bad behavior but about freeing yourself and your partner from the chains of past pain.
Final Thoughts
It’s easy to fall into habits that, without intention, can hurt the person you love. Whether invalidating your partner’s feelings, making everything about yourself, or holding onto grudges, these behaviors can create distance and resentment in your relationship. The good news is that you can transform your relationship dynamics by becoming aware of these patterns and making small, thoughtful changes. Empathy, active listening, and a willingness to let go of past grievances can go a long way in building a stronger, more supportive connection with your partner. Remember, it’s never too late to start being a better partner.
