We’ve all wondered why a guy will not commit to the woman he is dating and has been with for years. He may have even introduced her to his family or taken her home for Thanksgiving dinners.
Everyone may be wondering why they aren’t officially a couple. Yet he continues to say, “We’re just friends” or “She’s not my girlfriend” when asked for clarification on their relationship.
Ladies, you should believe his words over his actions. Usually, his actions will speak louder than his words, but if he says you are not his girlfriend, then believe him. What is going on in his head? He may not be giving you the exclusivity you want (despite acting like he is already your man).
Here are 5 reasons a man won’t commit, revealed by a matchmaker:
1. He doesn’t want a relationship.
Sometimes, men don’t want to come out and say they just want to play the field and see many women. He likes spending time with you, but he doesn’t want just one woman. He wants you, he wants Sally, Jessica, and Jenny, too.
He wants his options open, even if there is no Sally, Jessica, and Jenny yet. If he said he wants to keep his options open and date other people, he means it. You should do the same. You are not in a relationship with him. See other guys.
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2. He doesn’t want you in a relationship.
He wants to get married, but not to you. He may like you, like being physically intimate with you, like spending time with you but doesn’t see you as long-term potential, possibly due to the mutuality of commitment as a 2008 study explains. He wants a committed relationship with someone just not you. He will probably continue to see you until he meets that other woman he wants to commit to. He already knows you are not the one.
3. He is deciding on who to make his partner.
He may have you and someone else as contenders but he hasn’t decided which one of you makes the grade, as supported by 2015 research on commitment signals. In this case, he likes you and sees you as marriage material, but he also feels strongly about the other woman/women. He will eventually commit to one of you once he decides who is a better fit.
4. You have issues to work on before he will commit.
In this scenario, again, he likes you, but there is something about you he is hoping will change or he wants to see some growth in that area (or in you) before he will be comfortable making you his wife. Research conducted in 2009 on topic avoidance helps show why he might not come out and say this, so he keeps quiet about the issue.
He may have mentioned this area/issue of yours in passing but it started an argument, so he hasn’t brought it up again. Nonetheless, he won’t commit until this issue is resolved.
5. He knows he doesn’t have to commit to you to keep you.
A woman claims she wants exclusivity, but she is practically living with a man who has not been exclusive with her. She threatens to leave him if he won’t commit, but she never does.
He knows he doesn’t have to commit. You are in love with him, and he can do anything he wants and you won’t leave. He isn’t afraid of losing you, so why should he commit when he is getting everything he wants already? You are stuck and he knows it.
Whether he is taking you out every weekend, planning trips together, buying you expensive gifts, and spending the weekends at your place (or you at his), if he has yet to say he is committed to you, believe he is not. He may feel like your man, but he isn’t.
So if he is doing all these wonderful things with you and treats you like his woman, why won’t he commit to you? Men usually give a reason like timing, not being ready, or just getting out of a bad relationship. They say they aren’t ready to commit.
I’m not discounting that it could be a timing issue but most of the time it is bogus. Nothing is stopping him from becoming your boyfriend or your fiancé except he refuses to be it.
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You can still take control of the situation
If you are not yet in love with him, let the relationship stay on the casual level until he has already committed to you. That means do not sleep with him or give him your heart before he has already told you he wants to be exclusive with you.
If you are already in love with him and are waiting for him to give you a commitment, you must be strong and let him know that you will not continue to be with him. Tell him that you love him but you want a committed relationship and it doesn’t look like he can give you that.
Have a serious talk with him. Ask him why he isn’t willing to make the relationship official. Believe his answer and act accordingly. If he insists it’s a timing issue, ask what he believes the time frame will be. Then decide if you can wait or not.
Kiki Strickland, The Diva Matchmaker, is a Certified Relationship Coach for Singles (CRCS) and author of A Divas Guide to Dating. She helps smart, successful, singles who have a difficult time finding and keeping love.
