Morning friend,
Alaska is a beautiful state. The weather was wonderful, with no rain, and fairly warm. I got to see whales, sea otters, sea lions, bears, and eagles. God’s creation is magnificent. I would never want to live there, but it’s an amazing place to visit. Here are some pictures for you to enjoy.
Question: I have been in what I feel is an emotionally abusive relationship for 18 years now. My husband promises so much but most of it is empty words with no true commitment. I feel drained. I know I cannot change him. I have been working on myself to be the best I can be but there’s no change. I cannot afford your program but I would love to try it at some point. What do I do?
I feel alone and unsafe emotionally and uncomfortable in my own home. My teen boys are starting to be disrespectful to me as they see his actions played out in front of them. They are not corrected by my husband of course, as he treats me the same. I feel like I’m going crazy and some people I’ve talked to don’t see there’s a big issue. He easily can lie and portray something he’s not in front of them and they will believe him. I need help.
Answer: I’m so glad you reached out with your question. I’m sorry that you are in such a painful home situation. Many women reading this blog will relate to your dilemma. You said a few things that have me a bit confused. You said you know you cannot change him and that you’ve been working on yourself to be the best you can be, with no change. Do you mean that your efforts to become someone you feel good about aren’t working and there is no change in you? Or, do you mean that all your changes haven’t made a bit of difference in who your husband is or the way he treats you? What I’m wondering is this: although you accept you cannot change him, were you hoping he’d change if he saw you changing? Is that it?
Both realities are painful. When you work hard to grow and change yourself and don’t seem to get anywhere, that can become discouraging. That’s why we offer group coaching programs for greater accountability and support. It’s very hard to sustain lasting change alone. But I suspect that your struggle is more the latter. Even though you have changed you, it has not motivated him to change himself or work on your marriage. And the impact of nothing changing means you’re feeling crazy and drained by it all. I’m not surprised.
I want to help you get unstuck and empowered to see with fresh eyes some new choices you might consider making. To do that I’m going to invite you to reflect on some things that may be painful to face honestly. But healing and peace only come after a courageous commitment to reality, at all costs.
First, it appears you believe that for you to feel better (to feel safe, feel comfortable, feel stronger, feel whole, loved, or worthy) your husband must do something different. That’s why you’re so disheartened. He’s not changing. And since he’s not choosing to make any changes, you still feel all those feelings in addition to hopelessness. But I want you to reflect on this question: Is putting your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relational, and financial well-being in another person’s hands a wise stewardship of you? Especially when that someone (even if he’s your spouse) has an 18-year track record of not caring well for you? Of empty promises? Dear one, when is enough, enough?
I know it’s hard to accept the hard truth that he doesn’t care or doesn’t put any effort into learning how to care about your well-being or your marriage. That does not mean you are not worth caring for. But you can’t make someone care or want to learn how to care better. Therefore, what are your options? 1. Keep doing what you’ve always done for 18 years, hoping he’ll get it and change. We call that hopium. Hoping for something unrealistic to numb your own pain. Or, 2. Be brave and do something different.
Here’s where you can begin to make new choices that will make a huge difference in you. Instead of waiting, starving, crying, begging, and holding your breath for him to care, the person who must start to care about you is you. For you to get healthy and strong, you must stop looking for your husband to become your source of well-being and begin to learn what you need to do to care for and nourish your own self. Here are some basic questions I’d like you to answer for yourself. Instead of waiting or looking or begging for him to do something to help you feel safer, ask yourself what you need to do to feel safer. Healthier? Comfortable? More rested? What do you need to do to seek more support from others who do get it? Instead of waiting for him to correct your sons, what do you need to learn/change/do to become the parent you want to be? To implement appropriate boundaries and consequences with your sons who are mimicking the disrespect of their father towards you. What do you need in terms of financial resources or capabilities so that you are not so dependent on your spouse for your financial well-being? What do you need in terms of legal information to make good choices about your next right steps? These are all areas of stewardship you can/must start to do in order to care for you. Otherwise, you will default into doing what you’ve always done: getting the same results you’ve always gotten. No wonder you feel crazy and depleted.
You mentioned you talked to some people who don’t see what you experience as a big deal. What does that mean? Do you need them to see it as a big deal for you to take care of yourself or take your next right step forward? If someone didn’t agree, for example, that you needed stiches, or chemotherapy, or insulin, or antidepressants, and instead suggested you to pray and change your diet to heal, would you allow them to be the final decision maker over your health and life? People do give their thoughts and opinions, but ultimately you are responsible for your choices on how you steward your mind, your health, your body, and your one precious life.
Marriage is supposed to be a safe, trusting, loving partnership. However, for many the story does not turn out that way. You can keep banging your head against the wall angry, hurt, resentful that your marriage is not what you want. But how does that impact you and your character? What does it cost you to keep expecting, hoping, or demanding that he change? The other choice you have is to accept with God’s grace, for whatever reason, that your husband is not ready/willing to do his work to mature. But that does not mean you should not do yours. Again, what are some healthy and godly things you can do or change for you to feel safe, replenished, supported, and nourished?
One last piece of advice. Doing your own work does not mean sacrificing yourself to enable his dysfunction or you over-functioning to compensate for his lack. That’s still focusing on him and his journey. You can lovingly let him be the man he wants to be while doing your own work. Then watch and see who shows up.
To review: The first step of doing your work is to walk in the truth (John 8:32). It’s coming to peace that your marriage/husband does not aspire to be the man you thought he would be, at least for now. Once you settle that internally for yourself, then your energy and efforts can flow into what is your next right step for you to learn to stand with God, steady on your own two feet, speak up for yourself with your sons, and do what you need to feel safe, stay sane and grow strong, whether you chose to stay married living in the same house or decide at some point that is not possible.
Friend, what has been the most helpful thing to help you turn the spotlight off him and his need to change, and redirect your energy to stewarding your own safety, well-being, and growth?
