Hello dear friends of LV&Co! I am grateful for all of you who continue to read, ask questions, and comment. I pray this July finds you well. As the summer weather and the political climate continues to heat up, join me in prayer for all to be safe and God’s will to prevail in our hearts. This month, I challenge you to live out your God-given freedoms and to lean into the purposes He has for you.
Today’s Question: Since I’ve learned it is unwise to tell people that my husband of 40 years is a covert passive-aggressive narcissist, what is best to say when family and friends want to know the reason for our long-term separation (and possible divorce)? His verbal and emotional abuse against me has always been behind closed doors. Family and friends see him as the most caring, charming life of the party. Our adult children are devastated by my revelation that I can no longer continue to be married to their father. They see me as the destroyer of our supposed healthy and happy Christian family.
Susan’s Response: I am glad you are learning more about how to best handle your very difficult situation. The term covert passive-aggressive narcissist is one that has become common on social media and in societal conversations. Even still, it is not highly understood by the average population. Perhaps your husband has gotten a formal diagnosis of narcissism. Or maybe you are noticing the traits of covert narcissism and the patterns of passive aggressiveness. It certainly isn’t wise to use that terminology around your abuser. Generally speaking, it is also not wise to put a label on another person especially when talking to others who may not understand or may not have experienced what you have experienced.
When abuse is only behind closed doors, the patterns go unnoticed and destructiveness can be missed by others. Unfortunately, many women have been taught and encouraged to cover up the effects of destructive behaviors, and therefore, others don’t realize the harm that has been done. For example, I was speaking to a woman this week who told me that her husband often drinks when they go to his family functions and the car ride home is very unpleasant and full of anxiety for her. No one else has noticed this occurrence. She stated she could drive separately, but she doesn’t want her husband to be embarrassed and fears he would get inquisitive and concerned texts from his mother if they arrived in separate vehicles. Therefore, she continues to put herself in unpleasant and anxiety-producing situations and his behavior continues, the effects unknown to others.
Even though the abuse may be behind closed doors, boundaries of protection for yourself might be seen by others and raise awareness of a problem. I am going to guess that separation is a boundary of protection for you. This lets others know that the marriage is not going well. Perhaps there were earlier signs of distress that resulted in less drastic boundaries of protection even prior to the separation.
Having discernment is important when you consider what, when, and how to share with others in your life. If you already know that someone can not be trusted with vulnerable information, don’t feel pressured to share more than you are comfortable revealing. Before disclosing sensitive information, ask yourself the purpose or the goal you are trying to accomplish by having the conversation. This will guide you in the direction you take as well as help you recognize when to let go of your desired outcome.
I recommend that you start with basic statements like, “I chose to separate to protect my safety and sanity; I am allowing this time for our individual growth. Perhaps trust can be rebuilt and the relationship can be repaired if we both do our work during this time apart.” When someone is not receptive, blames you, minimizes your experience, or dismisses what you are saying, give yourself permission to discontinue the conversation. Resist the desire to try harder to get them to understand.
Here are some additional tips when considering what to reveal. Stick to talking about facts rather than using labels, subjective interpretations, or dramatic language. Let the facts speak for themselves. For example, instead of subjectively noting, “He is a passive-aggressive narcissist and won’t let me be with friends.” Be more specific in saying, “He told me to go be with someone who cared; but when I tried to leave, he blocked the door and accused me of abandoning him. He wouldn’t allow me to leave the house to see my friends.”
Use concrete examples of what you have experienced but also frame it as a pattern of behavior. It may take you some time to recognize the pattern yourself and put words to it. For example, instead of just sharing, “Yesterday he stonewalled me for the entire day because I said I wasn’t ready to help him in the garage.” Share, “I have noticed a pattern that started the first week we were married. When I don’t agree or comply with what he wants, he regularly stops talking to me for the day.”
Describe how the abuse affects you. For example, instead of saying, “He just thinks he gets to control me and he treats me like his slave.” Use an I statement like, “I feel anxious when I hear his car in the garage and my stomach starts to hurt because I often feel manipulated by name calling and controlled by demands to get dinner on the table.”
When talking to others about what is going on, be open to answering curious and clarifying questions rather than allowing your defenses to surface or intense emotions to take over. As an example, if you get accused of going against God’s word when defining boundaries, ask for clarification. You might ask, “What have you found in the scriptures to guide your beliefs about boundaries?” Or if someone says, “He always seems like a great guy to me! I can’t believe what you are telling me.” Stay calm and engage with a question like, “Is it possible that he could show himself differently around you than he does around home with me?”
It is true, that getting others to understand what is happening to you is a real challenge for many reasons. Putting words to covertly destructive relationship patterns is difficult. Manipulative tactics can often appear loving on the surface. Many people have biases about marriage, abuse, and gender roles. Be sure to educate yourself about what scripture says about these topics. For biblical references and more information, click here. Although the consequences of psychological abuse often become physical in nature over time, the aftermath is often not seen as the result of abuse. Despite other people’s responses, the thing that is most important is that you understand what is happening and you continue to take your own well-being seriously.
Be well!
Beloved reader, How have you successfully handled communication with family and friends about destructive patterns that are harming you?
