If you have a fear of intimacy, you are not alone. About 17% of adults in the Western world do. Fear of intimacy is a profound fear of getting close emotionally, and sometimes physically to another person. Being vulnerable with another person is not easy. Intimacy is complex. When it comes to intimacy in our relationship, we all have some fear of intimacy, but the degree varies.
Signs and Symptoms of Fear of Intimacy
It’s Hard for You to Share Your Feelings
You find it difficult to talk about your emotions with your partner. This could be attributed to you not being able to recognize your feelings, or you simply don’t know how to put your feelings into words.
You Fall for the Person Who is Unavailable
Time and time again you end up with a person who is unavailable emotionally. You are again with someone who doesn’t want to commit to a relationship. You may be unconsciously choosing a person like this because they prevent you from having to get close.
You Avoid Rejection By “Not Caring”
You decide from the get-go that it won’t work so you don’t try. This is a common defense mechanism that protects you from possible pain if your partner were to reject you. Instead, you sabotage the relationship before that can happen.
You Avoid Situations That Could Be Intimate
Does the thought of a double date scare you? Does the thought of a small gathering with friends make you uncomfortable? Events like these would expose you to a level of intimacy you may be threatened by. Often this is hidden behind the disguise of being “independent” when in reality you are creating distance to avoid intimacy
You Hide Behind One Characteristic
Are you hung up on presenting yourself with a certain image? Do you think you’ll only be liked if you present yourself in this specific way? If so, you may feel like you always need to be making people laugh, or you need to have a smile on your face at all times. If you are constantly leading with this characteristic you are not showing the other side of you. You are not sharing the full you.
You Make Excuses and Seem Flaky
You demonstrate a pattern of excuses, and white lies to avoid getting too close. Perhaps you notice that the other person is interested in you, and your response is avoidance. You may tell the other person you “feel sick” or tell them that “something came up”. Over time they will get the message to back away from you even though it’s not really what you want.
You Prioritize Everything Besides Your Relationships
Burying yourself in work or spending an abundance of time on solo hobbies are signs you fear intimacy. You may tell yourself that you are simply hard-working and independent to disguise what’s really going on.
You Search for “Problems” With the Other Person
It may feel easier to find an out by nitpicking your partner and choosing a benign thing about your partner to take issue with. This is done when the relationship starts getting more serious and you work to stop the vulnerable feelings. So you decide you don’t like tiny things about the other person. People with a fear of intimacy may try to blame something ridiculous. They may point at their partner’s hairstyle or eating habits as the reason why the relationship is problematic.
Causes of Fear of Intimacy
Most often, fear of intimacy comes from life experiences, such as neglect from early caregivers or other close people later on in your life. Fear of intimacy can be connected to a fear of being abandoned or the fear of losing oneself in a relationship or being controlled by others, says psychologist Jordan Rullo, PhD.
While environment seems to play a bigger role, genetics can still play a part. Temperament impacts personality development, which can cause challenges. “There are also some personality types, such as the avoidant personality, which are characterized by an inability to connect with others. Personalities, solidified in adulthood are thought to be a combination of genetics and environment.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment and Fear of Intimacy
Fearful avoidant attachment, also known as disorganized attachment, is an insecure attachment style characterized by inconsistent behavior. It incorporates elements and switches back and forth from both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. A person with this type of attachment will have issues opening up and trusting others. There is a push-pull dynamic with a fearful avoidant attachment where the person desires closeness but also runs from it.
Types of Intimacy
Our first experience with intimacy was when we were infants being cared for – soothed and comforted. In adulthood, intimacy is often synonymous with sex. While sex can be a form of intimacy. It is so much more than that.
Physical Intimacy
Physical intimacy is often one of the first types of intimacy to come to mind when picturing a relationship. It entails physical closeness with another person, such as holding hands or hugging. This type of intimacy can extend beyond partnership. You might additionally share physical intimacy with family members, friends, and trusted others.
There is a separation between physical intimacy and sexual intimacy. It is not necessary for physically intimate relationships to include sex. However, cultivating physical intimacy in a relationship with your romantic partner may help increase passion in your sex life.
Sexual Intimacy
Most partnerships include sexual intimacy. The way you and your partner engage in sexual intimacy is individual and is born from your needs and desires. Mutual fulfillment with this aspect of your relationship is an important part of overall well-being. Better sex is a pathway to deeper attachment, bonding, and a sense of play.
Improving your sex life is about more than the act itself. There is a vulnerability that comes with expressing yourself during sexual intimacy. Feeling safe with your partner and building an environment that lends itself to communication is key. This ensures that sex stays consensual, pleasurable, and fun for all involved.
Emotional Intimacy
Hearing your partner’s feelings and sharing your own on a consistent basis can be challenging. It is common to have wounds from earlier in our lives that become barriers to openness. This might look like shutting down when you feel flooded or becoming critical of your partner when insecurities arise.
Working through these patterns is essential for building healthy emotional intimacy. Discussing, appreciating, and accepting each other’s emotional lives is part of what makes your relationship meaningful. If you are struggling to break cycles that keep you from achieving the intimacy you want, couples therapy can help.
Experiential Intimacy
Experiential intimacy is bonding through being in situations together. Growing experiential intimacy can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or as complex as grieving the loss of someone you were both close to. This is another type of intimacy in a relationship that is not limited to partners. You might also bond with friends and family over activities or life events.
Building experiential connections with your partner is important for learning how to work as a team. Knowing how one another operates lets you engage in a way that feels fluid and complementary. It also aids in solidifying the foundation of your relationship and making memories to reflect back on.
Intellectual Intimacy
Just as you learn how to share emotions, learning how to share thoughts and ideas is another area of intimacy in a relationship. You and your partner will likely not agree on everything. It is knowing you will be respected in your opinions that counts. Strong intellectual intimacy also has an element of curiosity and the desire to gain knowledge alongside one another.
Taking a class together is one way to expand intellectual intimacy. If the class revolves around a topic such as learning a new language, you can come together to share your progress. Setting aside time to sit down and discuss current events or personal philosophies is another way to grow in this area.
Values-Based Intimacy
Shared values are an element of compatibility. Values-based intimacy in a relationship looks like prioritizing specific needs, goals, or beliefs. For example, if you and your partner both value family, you might create a life where you live around and regularly visit with loved ones. If you both value one-on-one time, you might set aside time each day to simply be with each other.
Practicing a shared spirituality or religion also fits in here. Taking part in ceremonies or attending services can increase connection in a relationship. If you are not spiritual or religious, you are not excluded from this type of values-based intimacy. Spending time connecting with something greater than yourselves (i.e. nature) works just as well.
Effects of Fear of Intimacy on Relationships and Mental Health:
In a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers suggested that having someone we have a close connection with gives us confidence and reduces stress. Alternatively, the research also found that a lack of intimacy produces stress leading to depression and other negative mental health issues.
The connection between intimacy and mental health is two-directional. A healthy intimate interpersonal relationship helps to build better mental health. Having someone you can freely interact with and confide in gives you a sense of support.
Additionally, the intimacy such relationships offer helps to fight some disorders like depression. Therefore, if you or your partner struggles with mental health issues, intimacy can help.
However the problem is that mental disorders also negatively affect the quality of intimacy. Love and sex are all a state of mind. When you feel hopeless, anxious, or stressed, expressing or accepting love becomes quite difficult. With negative feelings taking over, physical intimacy can be the last thing on your mind. You may shut down, not allowing meaningful conversations or shared experiences to happen, even though those are the very things that could help you.
Intimacy Can Look Different
The most important part of adding more intimacy into a relationship is finding what works for you and your partner. It can be helpful to look at the above types of intimacy and ask yourself which ones you feel are missing or would like to further develop. It is okay to try out new methods and skills until you and your partner come across ones you enjoy. In fact, exploring possibilities together can increase intimacy in and of itself.
How to Manage a Fear of Intimacy
Ways to Achieve Intimacy in Relationships:
- Identify where your fear of intimacy comes from by examining your thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs
- Visualize yourself in an open and honest relationship and create a goal to be more vulnerable. What does that look/sounds like? Begin by taking small steps like sharing your feelings about everyday, casual situations.
- Challenge your self-defeating thoughts about accepting love and happiness? Why do you think you don’t serve this?
- Go to therapy. Therapy is one of the best ways to care for yourself and make positive changes. Healing must be done before we are fully ready to be in a relationship with another person. A therapist can help you navigate pain from your past in a productive way.
Invest in Yourself
In addition to therapy, you can supplement your self-care through practices like yoga, journaling, meditation (especially self-compassion and loving kindness), healthy eating, and exercise. All of these can help you be the best version of yourself.
Be Nice to Yourself
Someone with a disroganized type of attachment style is often unfamiliar with the practice of self-compassion, that is being kind and understanding to ourselves. The disorganized attachment style fosters negative self-talk and self-criticism. It’s likely you’ve had a bully in your head since childhood, telling you mean and untrue things about yourself.
- Write a letter to yourself: Think about a painful situation you’ve experienced (perhaps in childhood) and show empathy for yourself like you would another person. List the things you like about yourself.
- Practice daily positive affirmations.
These exercises, combined with therapy, can help replace the negative thoughts about yourself, with more positive and realistic ones.
Ways to Increase Intimacy
Have a New Experience
Travel to a different place, plan a unique date night or experiment with a new activity. Adding novelty to your relationship can help you relax and have fun in all areas of intimacy. Newness can help get you outside of your norm, and open up.
Engage in Deeper Conversations
Think of questions you have never asked your partner before. The increase in emotional and intellectual intimacy that comes from deeper conversations will strengthen your bond.
Set Aside Technology
Spending time staring at screens can negatively impact in-person intimacy with your partner. Improve your connection by being intentional with your phones and schedule “phone-free time” where you are present without distraction.
Prioritize Affection
Meaningful touch helps build physical and sexual intimacy. Try to incorporate small gestures, such as hand holding or touches on the arm to show your desire to be close to your partner.
Appreciate One Another
It’s easy to forget to verbalize appreciation. Make an effort to tell your partner how much your relationship means. Appreciation is a building block for a secure relationship where intimacy can flourish.
