Erotic is a word commonly associated with sex, but that is not the true and whole definition. According to psychotherapist and best-selling author Ester Perel, eroticism isn’t sex; it’s sexuality transformed by the human imagination. It’s the thoughts, dreams, anticipation, unruly impulses, and even painful memories that make up our vast erotic landscapes.
Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and best-selling author, coined the term “erotic intelligence” in her book Mating in Captivity. She defines erotic intelligence as the qualities of curiosity, vitality, and spontaneity that make people feel alive, rather than just sex itself.
Perel believes that erotic intelligence can include:
- Being aware of arousal
- Being open to and aware of arousal, even when it comes from unexpected places or situations
- Imagination
- Awakening curiosity about each other can spark erotic relationships and sexual activity
- Shifting perspective
- Shifting perceptions of oneself and partners to avoid predictability and boredom
- Taking risks
- Exploring the unknown and feeling vitality
Erotic intelligence refers to a person’s ability to understand, manage, and express their own sexuality in a healthy and satisfying way. It involves having self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and communication skills in the realm of sexuality and intimacy.
Benefits of Erotic Intelligence
Some benefits of developing erotic intelligence include:
Better Communication
Understanding your own desires and boundaries can help you communicate effectively with your partner, leading to healthier and more fulfilling sexual experiences.
Increased Satisfaction
Being in tune with your own desires and preferences can lead to greater sexual satisfaction and overall relationship satisfaction.
Improved Relationships
Developing erotic intelligence can enhance your emotional connection with your partner and promote a deeper sense of intimacy and trust.
Greater Self-Confidence
Knowing what you want and being able to communicate it can boost your self-esteem and confidence in and out of the bedroom.
Enhanced Pleasure
By understanding your own body and what brings you pleasure, you can better navigate sexual experiences and enhance your own pleasure (as well as your partner’s).
Overall, developing erotic intelligence can contribute to a more fulfilling and satisfying sex life and richer intimate relationships.
The Significance of Intimacy in Relationships
A strong sense of intimacy can help couples build trust, strengthen their emotional bond, and increase their overall satisfaction with the relationship. Intimacy is the foundation upon which couples bond and build their relationship.
Therefore, it’s important to nurture intimacy each day. We often think of Intimacy as something connected to sex. “Being intimate together.” But physical forms of affection like sex are only one type of intimacy. There are different types of intimacy, all of which can be strengthened to improve your relationship.
How to Develop True Intimacy
Intimacy doesn’t appear overnight, nor does it exist with time alone. It takes effort, attention, and genuine care for the other person. How you do it is simply about prioritizing your partner, communicating, being trustworthy, and spending quality time together. Here are some ideas on how you incorporate these things and build intimacy:
Share More
Couples should never stop learning about their partner. More importantly, each person should remain curious and want to continue discovering their significant other. So don’t be afraid to open up and share your thoughts, ideas, and feelings. As important as it is to share yourself, it’s just as important to ask questions and pick your partner’s brain.
Practice Acts of Love and Kindness
Remind your partner you love them. Do it in words, written or otherwise. Bring home their favorite treat or surprise them with a small gift. Offer them a foot rub or massage. Do a chore that they usually do, or offer to do all the chores that day. Ask your partner to teach you a hobby or skill of theirs. Tailor your act of love to what speaks more to them by finding out their love language.
Shake Things Up
Doing things that are out of routine is not only fun, but it shows your partner you care about keeping things new and exciting. In other words, you value your relationship. New or adventurous things will of course boost experiential intimacy but intimacy can grow in other areas too, depending on what it is. For example, just the time together can give you the opportunity to speak about the things that matter. A shared experience bonds people and can increase your physical intimacy as well.
Have a New Experience
Travel to a different place, plan a unique date night or experiment with a new activity. Adding novelty to your relationship can help you relax and have fun in all areas of intimacy. Newness can help get you outside of your norm, and open up.
Set Aside Technology
Spending time staring at screens can negatively impact in-person intimacy with your partner. Improve your connection by being intentional with your phones and schedule “phone-free time” where you are present without distraction.
Prioritize Affection
Meaningful touch helps build physical and sexual intimacy. Try to incorporate small gestures, such as hand-holding or touches on the arm to show your desire to be close to your partner.
Appreciate One Another
It’s easy to forget to verbalize appreciation. Make an effort to tell your partner how much your relationship means. Appreciation is a building block for a secure relationship where intimacy can flourish.
What Increases Erotic Energy?
Curiosity
We become bored with our partner, and perhaps bored with sex, when we think we know everything about our partner. Be intrigued by your partner. Ask them questions you haven’t before. Be curious about their inner world. Remember they are forever changing, and so are their hopes, dreams, and so on. Leaning into curiosity about each other can spark not just sexual activity, but an erotic relationship as well.
Self-Exploration
Erotic energy starts with us. We are the source that needs to be ignited. We can energize ourselves through mindfulness and by being open. We increase erotic energy when we find ways to connect our body and mind. We do this by being present in the moment, observing, without judgment.
What Harms Erotic Energy?
Politics
According to Esther Perel, equality, fairness, and being clear about what you want may be good for society and democracy, but those ideals can take the fire out of a couple’s sex life. Perel describes sexual excitement as being politically incorrect. She goes on to say that sexual excitement and sexual desire thrive on power play, role reversals, unfair advantages, imperious demands, seductive manipulations, and subtle cruelties.
Self-Judgment
We need to be less self-critical and more self-compassionate. How is it possible to let another person in – physically or emotionally if we are so closed off? We need to make time to explore not only our own bodies but our desires and dreams. To do this we need to quiet our inner critic and permit ourselves to feel good.
Lack of Vulnerability
Esther believes that couples become bored with sex when the focus is on completing the act rather than exploring their deep desires. Talking about what you want as it relates to sex will ignite passion both physically and emotionally.
Healthy Sexuality and the Cornerstones of Intimate Connections
Open communication, active listening, and respecting boundaries are the keys to ensuring a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.
Open Communication
Conflicts will arise. But even in the most heated arguments, remain respectful. Never resort to insults, ridicule, or cruelty of any kind. Name-calling, passive-aggressive remarks, and the like only hurt your partner and make communication ineffective. Fight fair, remaining compassionate and respectful.
While you may be tempted to lead with things like, “You hurt me when” or “You did or didn’t x, y, or z”, this puts the blame on your partner causing them to be defensive. I statements, on the other hand, focus on sharing your feelings and are less accusatory. For example instead of saying “You’re always on your phone”, Try, “I feel hurt when you’re always on your phone”.
Ask questions and try to see their perspective.
Active Listening
How you listen is as important as the words you say. Active listening is so much more than just hearing words. It’s about being intentional and making your effort apparent so that your partner feels understood. Active listening is a loving act that will surely bring you closer.
How to practice active listening:
- When your partner talks, lean in and make eye contact. Be aware of your body language. Make sure it’s open (ie. avoid crossing your arms).
- Refrain from preparing your response or offering advice. Focus on what they have to say. Affirm and validate them. Ask open-ended questions to learn more.
Respecting Boundaries
Boundaries are the invisible part of a relationship that promotes mutual respect and maintains balance between you and your partner.
Setting boundaries is one of the best things you can do for yourself. It’s a form of self-care. Boundaries help you to feel emotionally safe. The act of setting boundaries forces you to consider how you want to be treated. Reflecting on what you deserve leads to the consideration of how you should treat other people, like your partner.
