Your partner comes into the kitchen and tells you about something that happened to them at work that day.
You can respond in two ways:
Option A: Ask them questions and express interest in what they shared with you.
Option B: Say nothing about it.
Option A represents a decision to turn towards your partner. Option B is a decision to turn away from your partner, and reject their bid for connection.
Definition of Emotional Bank Account
When you turn towards your partner, you are making a deposit in your “emotional bank account”. Stephen R. Covey, author of “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” introduced the concept of the emotional bank account. An emotional bank account represents the positive and negative balance in a relationship.
Deposits and Withdrawals
The idea is similar to a financial bank account where we make withdrawals and deposits. Similarly, the emotional bank account increases and decreases by what we put in and take out but instead of money it’s a reserve of honesty and trust. Successful, healthy relationships maintain a high balance in their “account”. Couples that break up or divorce are usually in the red.
So what is a deposit? It is any act that shows your partner you care about them. It’s really about the little things. Examples include a thoughtful text message or cooking them their favorite food. Regular small displays are more impactful than an occasional grand gesture.
Alternatively, a withdrawal is a behavior that is hurtful, speaking to your partner disrespectfully, or A withdrawal can also look like denying or ignoring their invitation to connect.
Deposits and withdrawals carry different weight. In fact, renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman discovered that it takes five positive interactions to make up for one negative one. So every time there is a withdrawal, five deposits are taken out. John Gottman stresses the importance of couples maintaining a 5:1 ratio for a happy relationship; five or more positive interactions for every negative interaction during conflict.
Importance of Emotional Bank Accounts in Relationships
Although you cannot see and track your emotional bank account you can feel it. You’re able to know whether you have a substantial amount in your account – you feel relaxed and secure in your relationship. Even in conflict, it doesn’t feel so bad, because you’ve saved up enough.
On the other hand, if your account is low or in the red, you may feel anxious about your relationship. Conflict may become more regular, and you may feel disconnected from your partner. You may feel panicked about how you can build it back up, the same way we would with a financial account.
Positive Interactions and Deposits
In the context of the emotional bank account, a bid is an attempt to connect. Bids may be thoughts, feelings, observations, opinions, or invitations. They can be obvious: “Do you want to go for a walk with me?” or more subtle: non-verbal touch.
Importance of Positive Interactions in Building Emotional Bank Accounts
Positive interactions make the negative ones not to negative. If you have a healthy stock of positive interactions, then when you do withdraw (as everyone does), the effects won’t be as impactful. You can think of the deposits as cushions to fall back on when conflict arises.
Types of Positive Deposits
Acts of Kindness
Remind your partner that you love them. Do it in words, written or otherwise. Bring home their favorite treat or surprise them with a small gift. Offer them a foot rub or massage. Do a chore that they usually do, or offer to do all the chores that day. Ask your partner to teach you a hobby or skill of theirs. Tailor your act of love to what speaks more to them by finding out their love language.
Quality Time
Quality time is about prioritizing each other and your relationship. It’s important to note that “quality time” and “quantity time” are two very different things. The latter refers to giving your partner your undivided attention no matter what you are doing. Quantity time is about the amount of time you are together. For example, you may spend a lot of time in the same room or even the same bed, but are you connecting during that time? It’s about making that time count. Quality time is what boosts intimacy, a key ingredient for a healthy relationship.
Appreciation
Express appreciation daily. Showering your partner with gratitude is what might come to mind. However, expressing appreciation for your partner is more of an internal act. While it’s certainly good to compliment your partner and remind them of the ways you appreciate them, more beneficial is to think about all the ways your partner has invested in you and your relationship. When you fill your mind with these things, you come away with a more positive perspective on your relationship. This will naturally lead to your expressing appreciation for them.
Negative Interactions and Withdrawals
Common withdrawals include criticism, ignoring, lack of follow through with something you said you would do, being disloyal, dismissive, withdrawal (physical and/or emotional), and being unavailable.
When we make a withdrawal, which is inevitable since we are human, we can make it better with a repair.
Repair Attempts
Gottman explains that a repair attempt is “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control”.
A repair attempt could be a phrase or expression, or any type of cue — audible, visual, or tactile, or anything that signals to your partner you don’t want the argument to progress. A successful repair attempt doesn’t necessarily end the argument, but the hostility is removed. And the best way to use a repair attempt is to employ it early on before things get out of hand.
Other Ways to Make Deposits Into Emotional Bank Accounts
- Catch your partner doing something good. Acknowledge and thank them even if it’s something they do all the time.
- Give your partner a compliment. The most impactful compliments are ones about who your partner is as a person. Be specific about it. Bring up an example of how they fit into the compliment.
- Respond positively to your partner’s bids. Make sure you are making time for your partner and that you don’t let distractions block you from your partner’s bids.
- Be curious about their inner world. Ask questions about their day and bigger questions such as “What are your dreams?”
- Be emotionally supportive. Be a safe place for them to express difficult emotions and provide support as they navigate them. Try to listen without judgment and offer validation.
