“The Four Horsemen” is used to illustrate communication styles that destroy otherwise healthy relationships. In fact, research has proven that there are four specific communications styles, interactions, or behaviors that predict divorce.
What Are Gottman’s Four Horsemen?
Relationship expert John Gottman labeled criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”. The four horsemen are a metaphor depicting the end of times. John Gottman can use these four communication problems to predict the end of a relationship with over 90% accuracy if the behavior isn’t changed.
Each negative reaction is extremely harmful to the relationship and can lead to its demise. Each one can single-handedly undo a healthy relationship. But with the Four Horsemen, one tends to lead to another, making things unravel more intensely. For example, when one partner is critical, the other one is defensive.
The First Horseman: Criticism
Criticism is the act of realizing a problem within your life or the relationship and turning it into a negative review of your partner so that they can be to blame. It’s attacking your partner’s character. It’s not addressing the behavior that bothers you. It’s a personal attack on them that can inflict great hurt. While criticism alone won’t necessarily end your relationship, it can open the door to the other Horsemen.
Examples of Criticism:
Criticisms usually start with the word, “you”: “You don’t care”. “You’re selfish.” “You’re lazy.” Criticisms usually involve generalizations like “You never…” or you always…”.
Criticizing is different from complaining. A complaint focuses on the actual issue, whereas a criticism just makes the partner the issue.
The Antidote
- First, we should examine where the criticism is coming from. Typically, criticism is the result of unmet needs. However, if you express your needs in a way that shows frustration and irritation, you’re unlikely to make any progress. You can express your needs in a positive way without being harsh. The antidote to criticism is what’s known as the “gentle startup”. An effective gentle startup might look like this:
- Expressing what you noticed
- Sharing your feelings
- Stating your need
Avoid using the word “you” which indicates blame. Instead, talk about feelings using “I” statements.
Criticism: You’re so lazy. You never do the dishes.
Antidote: When I finish work and see the dirty dishes in the kitchen, it makes me feel overwhelmed. Could we talk about a way to divide household tasks?
The Second Horseman: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a reaction to perceived criticism. The criticism might be real or imagined. Defensiveness is the refusal to take responsibility for your actions and how it affects your partner and the relationship. It is self-protection through righteous indignation and defense against shame.
We don’t want to feel the bad feelings that come from doing wrong, so we turn the tables and blame the other person. Defensiveness is a way to “play the victim”. This communication style doesn’t help solve the problem. In fact it only adds to it.
Examples of defensiveness:
Overexplaining: “I forgot about our plans because it was on my calendar but then I started using a different calendar and it wasn’t sending notifications because it wasn’t updated…”
Taking on a victim mentality: “I’m so stressed at work trying to support our family.”
Counter-criticizing: “You don’t appreciate how hard I work.”
Using “but”: “I know I forgot about the dinner plans, but I probably wouldn’t have been able to make it anyway with how busy work is”
While it is understandable to want to defend yourself if you’re stressed out and feeling attacked, this approach will not have the desired effect. Defensiveness will only escalate the conflict and increase the disconnect, and likely the criticism too.
The Antidote:
See your partner’s point of view. Accept at least some responsibility. Offer your partner an apology for the part you played.
Defensiveness: It’s not my fault I have to work so much.
Antidote: I can see why you’re upset. You were looking forward to the dinner, and I shouldn’t have let work come first.
The Third Horseman: Stonewalling
Another of the Four Horsemen is stonewalling. Stonewalling is characterized by silence, lack of eye contact, and disinterested gestures such as eye-rolling or shrugs. When someone stonewalls they withdraw from their partner and stop engaging in communication with them. The stonewaller ends the conversation before things are resolved.
For the other person, it’s hurtful and can be unfuriating because it seems as though they don’t care about the conversation or the relationship as a whole. However, under the surface, the stonewaller is likely experiencing physiological flooding.
Although stonewalling is sometimes done on purpose, some people end up stonewalling involuntarily. It can occur as a physiological defensive response to a sense of feeling overwhelmed. It is rooted in a fear of conflict and a desire to soothe anger and calm escalation. The person stonewalling may think avoiding conflict is the best option.
Examples of stonewalling:
- Not responding
- Physically walking away
- Ignoring the other person/purposefully engages in something else
- Giving excuses to avoid the conversation
The Antidote:
When someone is physiologically flooded, it is not possible for them to have a productive conversation. This is why taking some time to calm down is necessary. Take a break (about 20 minutes) after conflict or a difficult conversation to decompress before coming back together to finish the conversation. Twenty minutes is how long is takes for the stress hormones to subside.
During the break the flooded person can:
- Go for a walk
- Focus on their breath/breathing exercises
- Do a soothing activity, such as listening to music, meditation, or yoga
- Exercise
The point is to not think about the issue with their partner, and just focus on being calm.
Stonewalling: Allysa: “I can’t believe I have to remind you again about this. You don’t care at all. …”
Ryan: Shrugs and sighs. Leaves the room.
Antidote:
Ryan: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can I take twenty minutes, and then I’ll be ready to have this conversation?”
The Fourth Horseman: Contempt
The last of the Four Horsemen, contempt, is said to be the biggest relationship killer. More specifically it’s known as the greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt poisons a relationship with utter disrespect. This type of communication is an expression of superiority over your partner. With contempt, you are disrespectful and just plain mean. You mock and belittle them. Your partner is made to feel worthless.
There are some similarities between contempt and criticism, but the intention differs. With criticism you’re expressing frustration with an unmet need, and you may not be intending to hurt your partner through your irritation. Contempt goes beyond criticism. With contempt, you hold long-term resentment towards them. You want to inflict pain with your words.
Examples of contempt:
- Sarcasm
- Name-calling
- Cynicism
- Sneering
- Mockery
- Eye-rolling
- Hostile humor
Research has shown that couples that are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness such as colds, the flu, etc. than other couples due to weakened immune systems.
The Antidote:
The antidote for contempt involves creating a culture of respect and appreciation. This basically means means making sure to notice what your partner is doing right and expressing that to them whenever you see it. You can do that in many different ways. Focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Express gratitude for their positive actions. Thank them for the little things Pause to replace attacks with understanding.
The antidote for contempt involves creating a culture of respect and appreciation. This basically means means making sure to notice what your partner is doing right and expressing that to them whenever you see it. You can do that in many different ways. Focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Express gratitude for their positive actions. Thank them for the little things Pause to replace attacks with understanding.
In addition, work on improving your communication skills. Get comfortable talking about your feelings more, instead of choosing to go on the attack.
Contempt:
“Wow, you’re seriously complaining about how hard your day was?! *Shakes head with a look of disgust* You have it easy. Meanwhile, I’m busting my butt taking care of everything, because you’re incapable. You’re pathetic.”
Antidote:
I understand that you worked today, and I appreciate that. I’m feeling upset because it sometimes feels like you don’t acknowledge the work I do all day. I think I need to cool down first.
How to Break out of the of the Four Horsemen
The Importance of Repair
Every couple is bound to use the Four Horsemen at some point in their relationship. It doesn’t have to indicate the end of times. The first step is recognizing when they show up so that you can repair the situation properly.
Words can be damaging. In the heat of the moment, when we are angry or hurt, we might fire off an insult that we immediately regret saying. After the fact, we insist we did not mean what we said, but the damage was still done. Words can scar a relationship and create distance, hostility, and resentment, among other problems. A repair attempt can stop you from getting to that point, where the argument gets ugly.
What is a Repair Attempt?
Couples in happy, healthy relationships are constantly repairing. Repairing is less about fixing and more about restoring back to a good path. John Gottman calls repair attempts a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples.
So what exactly is a repair attempt and how can you use them effectively?
Gottman explains that a repair attempt is “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control”.
An example of a repair attempt could be using appropriate humor to lighten the mood. In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide by Gottman & Silver, the authors give the specific example of a couple sticking their tongues out at each other to make the other person laugh.
A repair attempt could be a phrase or expression, or any type of cue — audible, visual, or tactile, or anything that signals to your partner you don’t want the argument to progress. A successful repair attempt doesn’t necessarily end the argument, but the hostility is removed. And the best way to use a repair attempt is to employ it early on before things get out of hand.
Why Do Repairs Work?
Sometimes the difference between successful couples and those in turmoil can be the ability to repair. Repairing requires specific skills that often need to be learned.
While making a repair attempt gives you an A for effort, it might not be enough. Repair attempts require a bit more than saying a phrase. The success of a repair attempt depends largely on how well we know our partner and how strong the bond with them is.
Tailor your repair attempts to your partner.
Maybe doing a silly dance is what would work when in conflict with your partner. Or maybe a hug is what would de-escalate the situation. You’ll want your repair attempt to match who they are. Maybe it’s words that go furthest with them.
Therapy Can Help
Communication is a skill, so there is always room for improvement. If you and/or your partner struggle to communicate effectively, couples counseling can make all the difference. The Couples Center has experienced, trained professionals who can help you identify and address communication problems and provide the tools and skills needed to build a healthier and happier relationship. Check out the 8-week Online Relationship Course focused on building better communication.
