The term “self-care” is all over social media, in books, on blogs, and in memes. People are wearing the self-care T-shirt but not actually practicing it. It’s rarely on the top of their to-do list.
Especially for men. It’s at the bottom of the list with pedicures and massages. Too many men believe self-care is an extra, that men don’t need self-care, that any man who practices self-care is weak.
That’s a false belief.
First, instead of theorizing about self-care, let’s reexamine what it actually looks like in everyday life. Understand that self-care is different from self-love. If you’re nowhere near a place of love for yourself, self-care can be a conduit to self-love.
The truth is, we all struggle with self-love because we don’t know how to love ourselves. It’s not something we practice. Yes, we’re good at loving others. But rarely do we even prioritize loving ourselves, much less practice it.
So start small. Plan the first date with yourself and see where it goes.
Look, it doesn’t have to be dinner and a movie. Or at the other extreme, a trip to Bali. That’s self-help talk. A first date with yourself can be a walk. Or a workout. Or a cup of coffee sitting on a brick wall on a Saturday afternoon.
It’s not about the activity. It’s about the connection.
Are you connecting with yourself? Leaning into the discomfort of sitting with yourself? Or are you on your phone and in your head the entire time, running a to-do list or ruminating on why you haven’t met someone? Can you give someone else your undivided attention?
Do that for yourself. Most people find it hard to pay attention to themselves. Because they haven’t truly dated themselves. They’ve just done a lot of things alone, never particularly noticing how they felt.
There’s a huge difference—like the difference between making love and sleeping with someone you barely know or like. The movements may be the same, but one experience connects you to yourself and builds self-esteem. The other disconnects you from yourself and drains your self-esteem.
Self-care doesn’t mean bubble baths and fancy brunches. It really means taking care of yourself daily like you would for someone you love. It means breaking the pattern of putting yourself last. It means not taking on everything. Not overextending yourself. It means blowing out the candle when it’s burning at both ends. It means saying no to things.
Self-care is hard. It’s weird. You feel selfish and guilty doing it. You’re not used to it. You’ve been programmed to take care of others and not yourself. And it’s not like you’ll wake up one day and suddenly love yourself after you decide to start practicing self-care.
Yes, it starts with a decision, but it takes thousands of little actions, moments of tending to your needs, realizing that you matter and that it’s your responsibility to take care of yourself if you want to be a better father, brother, husband, wife, teacher, artist, athlete, writer, or CEO.
Self-care is a lifestyle. Not a checklist or a T-shirt. It’s where a better you is born.
It’s your own soil for growth. It’s not just for people who have extra time. Because the term “self-care” has been dipped in sugar and slapped on memes, it can make us cringe a bit. Like the movie everyone keeps telling us to see so much that we don’t really want to see it anymore.
So, for now, forget about the words “self-care” and “loving yourself.”
Instead, think of it as connecting to yourself or disconnecting from yourself. If you start building a better relationship with yourself by giving yourself what you need and treating yourself better, in your actions, words, thoughts, and intentional practice of self-care, you are connecting to yourself. If you’re not, you are disconnecting from yourself.
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When you connect, your potential grows. When you disconnect, your potential shrinks. It’s that simple. Self-care is connecting to self. No self-care is disconnecting from self.
Forget about loving yourself. Do you even like yourself? If not, why? What happened? Is there something you need to let go of or accept? Do you need to forgive yourself for something? Do you need to cut the bond keeping what you do tied up with what you’re worth? Are you answering honestly?
What would be different in your life if you got to a place where you actually liked yourself? Where you weren’t forced to like yourself, but genuinely liked yourself? Would liking yourself impact the people you choose to surround yourself with? The person you choose to love?
What does it take to actually like someone, to think of them as one of your favorite people? It takes time, right? You have to get to know that other person. Have you been taking the time to get to know yourself these days? Or did that stop when life happened? What would it look like to get to know yourself again?
OK, now forget about liking yourself. Because that takes time. You’ll work on it.
Love is a choice. How do you like to be loved by someone? At the end of the day, to love someone means to respect them, treat them well, allow them to be heard, validate and support them, and champion their story. Right? Not just in action but also in words.
Can you love yourself the way you would like someone to love you and the way you love others? You might not have practiced it enough. It’s probably not something you consciously put effort into or think about when you’re going about your day. Well, it’s time to start.
Remember, self-care is not just a coping method. It’s a way of connecting. To you.
