Relationship Tips in Five Words or Less

My wife and I have been married since August of 2019. I’ll spare you my ramblings on about every up and down, every joyous moment, and every chaotic discovery about our relationship, but I will share one thing. Whether times are tough or blissful, we have a saying for each other that we often use: I love you, I hate this. 

Which means, “I’m not angry with you, I’m not upset with you, I love you, but whatever we’re experiencing right now we need to work together to change.” It can be applied when one or both of us is overstimulated—yay for disabilities and access friction—or when something really tough to navigate has happened in our lives, like unexpected grief. To quote one of my favorite art prints from Radical Emprints, “grief is a wild sea. your love is ballast.” Whatever the reason for one of us to say it, it is a grounding point in our relationship, a reminder that—no matter what might be happening—we still care for each other.

But what are some other relationship-focused sayings that can help you out in a jam? In this article, we’ll look at what relationship experts say about the usefulness of these little phrases, how you can apply them, and what they mean in each professional’s personal lives.

Are Small Affirmations Useful?

Before we can dive into some short and pithy relationship advice, we should investigate whether short affirmations are even useful. They’re well understood in mindfulness and bodywork practices, but what about how it pertains to moving through life with your partner?

Stephanie Manes, LCSW, JD, a couples therapist in private practice and an adjunct professor at Columbia University, says that we have to be careful not to oversimplify or over-optimize when we look for these phrases.

“I think that we live in a world that really loves to simplify and oversimplify. The truth is, romantic relationships, any relationships, are incredibly complex…We have to ask ourselves, why do we want to make it so simple? So that we can master something so that we can know what the outcome is going to be? So that we feel like we know everything? Unfortunately, that’s just not true.” 

At the same time,  Katilin Soule, LMFT, founder of Bay Area Modern Therapy, says these short phrases can be helpful reminders when used effectively and appropriately.

“What’s helpful about mantras like these is they’re just little reminders that you don’t have to actually dive deep into everything. In moments when you’re feeling really self-righteous or defensive, they can help pull you back to see the bigger picture of what’s best for you and your relationship.”

So, in the interest of brevity and levity, here are some tips.

Communicate, Connect, Do it Consistently

At first glance, Julie and David Bulitt appear to have jobs that are on the opposite sides of a spectrum. Julie, LCSW, is a family therapist. David, JD,  her husband of almost forty years, is a divorce lawyer. Together, they’ve written multiple books, have created a podcast, and provide coaching. 

David says that the three C’s, as the couple have taken to calling them, are consistently in play in their relationship.

“The timing of your question is serendipitous because we found ourselves in a bit of a struggle over the last several days. Primarily, with regard to our business and what we should be doing and what we shouldn’t be doing. The communication got difficult between us, so we both took a step back yesterday and sort of went separate ways for a while. So the three Cs aren’t foolproof but they help a lot.”

For the couple, one of the strategies they use to connect consistently is to set time blocks, called no-tech 90, where they have an hour and a half without technology interrupting their ability to be present with each other. 

As for how this connects with administering the legal realities of divorce, David says that a lack of communication, rather than some earth-shattering event, is often the foundation of why people choose to separate. 

“What I have found is that, really, what causes folks to break up is this sort of malaise that creeps into their relationship…people go about their lives, managing their lives and managing their families without staying connected. And what happens is [in] five years, or 10 years, or however many years it is, they look across the table and there’s this aha moment that happens, which is, ‘I don’t really know this person anymore.”

Stop Litigating and Start Communicating

From a lawyer and a therapist to a lawyer who is also a therapist,  Stephanie Manes’ advice, as someone who is still good friends with her ex-husband, is to stop trying to figure out who is right. 

“Give up trying to win, ‘whose version is the truth?’ There is no truth, there’s just two stories…Shift away from trying to argue your reality. Because the point is, you’re trying to understand what this other person’s reality is so that you can understand each other. That, ultimately, is the only way to  work out the kinks.”

Manes says that one of the challenges of working out those kinks in a relationship is that our society continues to make it hard to discuss and bump into difficult things. There is an impulse, she says, to avoid discussing difficult topics at all costs, something she contrasts with different cultural traditions. 

“I had a Buddhist teacher, he was also a psychologist, tell me once from the perspective of, his spiritual practices that ‘relationships are there so that we can actually rub up against each other. And in doing that, we learn about ourselves.’ And I think that’s just such a beautiful image…If it’s all just smooth surfaces. How do we grow?”

It’s Okay to Go to Bed Angry

We’ve heard a lot so far about talking, discussions, lengthy conversations, but what about when you just don’t want to talk about whatever is bugging you? What if you are incandescent with rage and, to use both a very popular metaphor and my favorite mixed idiom, you’re actually really itching to make a mountain out of a molehill and burn that bridge down when you come to it?

Soule, who had a range of phrases come to mind, says that doing away with the old standby advice that you shouldn’t go to bed angry can be liberating. 

“It’s okay that we are human. We need to take some space sometimes to process things and feel things before we find the words to communicate effectively. And I see this in my own life, but also in my clients’ lives, where they try to immediately solve a problem and they say words that are either hurtful or over-dramatized and they unintentionally escalate the situation.”

Soule is quick to point out, however, that just because it may be fruitful and healthy for you and your significant other(s) to choose to sleep on something you’ve argued about, doesn’t mean you should completely let go of the underlying need for a conversation about the issue.

“I do think you need to acknowledge it, though. It doesn’t mean walking away pretending the argument didn’t happen. I think it’s [saying], ‘Hey, I don’t have capacity for this conversation right now. I’m really tired. Can we revisit this tomorrow?”

You Need to Talk About It

Adam Blum, LMFT, the founder and director of the Gay Therapy Center, says that couples who are able to process their feelings, emotions, and needs by communicating with each other are, fundamentally, setting themselves up for success. 

“Think how great your marriage could be, if you realized, we can talk about anything and at the end of that conversation, feel closer than you did at the beginning. That’s a teachable skill. It’s a great skill to have. And I think one that contributes to a long-lasting, sound, good marriage.”

Blum, whose husband of 33 years died two and a half years ago and who is now in a subsequent relationship, says that just because talking about your concerns is important, doesn’t mean it’s simple.

“I know if there’s something that I’m troubled by, with my partner it’s going to eat at me until I bring it up. I’m not saying it’s easy to bring up, every time I bring it up there’s a bit of a gulp inside, a little bit of butterflies. But I have faced now that I can do it.”

Blum says that timing and approach are key when it comes to effectively using his five-word mantra within his relationship and not approaching a conversation with blame in mind. 

“If you say, ‘I felt really dropped, because I asked you three times to bring home the milk and you forgot, I felt really just dropped like you didn’t care about me. ‘That gets someone’s attention, then it isn’t about ‘You’re an idiot for forgetting things.’ It’s like, oh, this person thinks I don’t care about them or think about them.” 

Being able to verbalize or express that you’re feeling hurt and that this doesn’t mean you inherently are falling out of love, Blum says, is a vital part of these discussions and providing comfort even in the face of challenging subject matter.

“[It’s] a place we all go in all relationships, even though cognitively up here [in the brain], we get it. They love us. They’re committed. But we need to feel that and sometimes we get insecure about that. And that’s what can come out in these conflicts.” 

Keep in Mind

Relationship advice comes in many shapes and sizes. It can be useful, hopeless, or somewhere in-between; and it can come in many forms: books, podcasts, chatty online web articles. However, regardless of which form is most accessible to you, small sayings or mantras—like the ones shared in this article—can help you support you and your partner.