For over 15 years, I endured profound abuse at the hands of my ex-husband. His manipulation and control were pervasive, leaving me and our children in a state of constant fear and instability. When he finally left, he did so in a manner that ensured our suffering would continue. He abandoned us in a broken-down trailer, neglecting to pay rent for six months and placing a lien on our only car. With no money and no means to improve our situation, I was left with $20 in cash and the daunting task of figuring out how to survive.
He took everything of value, including our tax money and all our savings, and told me to “figure it out.” This was not just a financial blow but a calculated move to ensure I would never be able to care for our children adequately. His goal was to leave us so far behind that I would have no option but to rely on him or fail completely.
His manipulation did not stop there. He weaponized our children and the Department of Child Services (DCS) to further his control. Through lies and deceit, he managed to have our children taken away from me. He then convinced our older children that it was in their best interest to live with him in his new house with his new wife, despite the documented abuses they had endured from him. The younger children had no choice in the matter, as the decision was left to their older, manipulated siblings who were too afraid and too influenced by their father to make an informed choice.
Pain is indescribable
The trauma of losing my children to the very person who had caused so much pain is indescribable. My ex-husband’s ability to manipulate the system and our children left me feeling powerless and defeated. I was stalked, controlled, and hurt so profoundly that even now, I live in fear of him finding me. I have taken measures to hide my whereabouts, deleting all my online presence, and living in constant anxiety about what might happen if he discovers where I am.
Despite the fear and the trauma, my children are everything to me. They want to come back to me, and I want nothing more than to provide them with a safe and loving home. However, the thought of confronting my ex-husband in a legal battle fills me with terror. His ability to manipulate and control is so powerful that I fear I will be unable to protect myself and my children from further harm.
I feel trapped in a situation with no clear path to safety or justice. The legal system, which should be a source of protection, seems like another arena for my ex-husband to exert his control. The fear of not being believed, of being misunderstood, or of facing more manipulation and lies is paralyzing.
To anyone who has never experienced NPD abuse, it might be hard to understand the depth of this fear and the extent of the trauma. It is not just about the legal battle; it is about reliving the worst years of my life, facing an abuser who knows how to twist reality and use every tool at his disposal to maintain control.
I share my story in the hope that it will bring awareness to the struggles faced by those of us who have endured NPD abuse. We need more understanding, support, and resources to help us reclaim our lives and protect our children. It is only through empathy and action that we can hope to break free from the cycle of abuse and build a future where we feel safe and valued.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Your understanding and support can make a significant difference in the lives of those who are still fighting to break free from the shadows of abuse.
Here is my story
We met online in 2001. He lived in Massachusetts; I lived in Arizona. We were both in failing relationships and so finding one another was welcomed. We both lived with others, but he like myself told me it was a roommate situation and I believed him. We spent a year and a half talking and emailing daily but at the end he got into a fight with me and I broke it off and simply moved on. Although I was still in love with him.
He wound up moving to Florida. (He had claimed that he suffered with agoraphobia and couldn’t leave his home something I now know was a total lie, I had developed a panic disorder at 18 for which I got therapy for and recovered from and had been panic free for many years, so I had deep sympathy for his issues.)
He called me one night and said he was living with some “psycho” in Florida and wanted to be with me, he had gotten $5000 from his ex to leave and never come back and I spent a few weeks unsure. He kept me on the phone constantly. He love bombed me so hard I thought he was really going to take care of me and my daughter and… I believed him. He said he was outside in the heat in his van and that should prove his devotion to me. (This will be important later.) Finally I agreed to meeting him in Florida then we’d move to Louisiana and start a new life. (We picked it at random.)
Quickly married
He paid for a bus ticket. I met him there and he immediately asked me to marry him. I flew my daughter out a month later and we began life. I got pregnant very quickly because he refused to use protection of any kind and his mother died the day we found out I was pregnant. (I don’t know if it was true, but… that’s what happened).
About a month after I got pregnant my mom who had lupus was gettting really sick and we decided to move back to Arizona where I was from. (Mind you, he’d lost 4 jobs by this point, had extorted at least $15000 more from his ex. He always spoke to her on the phone outside where I couldn’t hear what they said but he’d pace back and forth stalking like an animal as he did this to her. I honestly don’t know what kind of dirt he had on her to make her give him money that way but he did and he had now run out of money. So we actually moved back because he had gotten us kicked out of our apartment due to a fight with someone who worked there which he refused to explain… )
Read more: How psychopathic parents create complex trauma in their children
I was 8 months pregnant and he made me drive from Louisiana all the way back to Arizona because he was “afraid” to go over a bridge. I was left to drive the whole way my daughter packed into the back of our fully stocked van. (My failure to her because I was so blinded by his abuse at this point is something I will never ever forgive myself for.)
Lies from the start
Anyway, his lies began from the start, things from his past all lies, his abusive mother who tormented and tortured him until the state stepped in and finally put him into state care he claimed. (He LOVED her so deeply and if anyone spoke badly of her he would kill them.) He said he played football for his high school — a lie. He said he was in the fife and drum line and that was a lie.
He had met a girl who was in a group home for girls who had deep emotional trauma and her story was just as bad as his. She was a part of his “life” the entire time I knew him, as she is the one he finally convinced to be his next victim after 16 years of marriage to me. She had finally been broken down by him just like he did to me. He spent his time IN OUR VAN while talking to her almost 24 hours a day the last 2 months he was with us.
He worked for a halfway house and so he had the neighborhood cops in his pocket. I found out after he left he had spent the entire of our marriage, not only sleeping with prostitutes and doing drugs behind all our backs.
Had me arrested
He also had me arrested by a cop for accidently pulling his arm back to keep him from waking our children yet again and getting a bit of his hair with the pull. I spent 24 hours in jail. She wouldn’t let me have my purse so I had no money, no shoes, magically my cell which had been fully charged when I left was now dead and I was without a way to get home. I gave a taxi driver my phone in return for taking me all the way home he returned the next day saying he saw the pictures of my kids and couldn’t bring himself to take my phone.
While I was in jail he tried to convince our kids that coming with him was the only option because look at how violent I was. (My kids knew better at the time that he was full of shit but I didn’t know just how deep the trauma we all had would be.)
Was the height of Covid so when he was gone I had 6 months of back rent unpaid. A trailer which he refused to fix, so the ceiling caved in magically just before he left and he just put a tarp up. He hadn’t allowed me to work except when he was bored or was doing something underhanded where I needed to be gone I assume, so I had no work history, no money as he wouldn’t allow me to have access to any money our entire marriage. There is so much I am leaving out…
Emotional warfare
I cannot explain the sexual torture I endured, I cannot explain the emotional warfare I went through at this moment but… the only thing he never did was lay a hand on me in anger. (I now know that he had spoken to my family early on and learned that I was actually a VERY strong fighter and had spent many years learning how to fight. I don’t think he had ever been in an actual fight his entire life, but I believed he was violent and dark and would hurt me by his threats alone.)
He raped me the night before he left spitting in my face telling me that I was disgusting and no one would ever believe anything I would say because he was such a nice guy…
Telling the police
After he left I went to the police but again he knew all of them so two male officers came, hovering over me while I had to tell them what I had gone through two days after he had left and I was free finally to actually expose him for what he had done all those years, and so I made the report. in all honesty knew I had seen them at the work of my ex so they just blankly stared while I told them my story, so I’ve never told anyone again. I did make a report though after he left finally conniving the other woman that she couldn’t live without him.
He had gotten a psychology degree (with me doing the actual online classes and him getting the degree, because he wasn’t smart enough for the masters program). He tapped into her spiritual side telling her that they were ”twin flames” and that’s why she agreed because that cult is a cover for NARCS period and she was down enough to believe his bullshit finally.
Used the system against me
I can’t do anymore tonight… I am 4 years away from him and he’s done nothing but use the system against me, stolen my babies, He has stalked and tormented me more than while we were married to the point I took out a PO against him and stopped having any social media. I am in hiding. I won’t have a lease in my name. I am totally alone. I am unable to work because I lost my job which I loved and am so f***ed up mentally still that I just can’t do anything right now. I have ZERO family and no friends, no support and no hope…
I’ve had cancer, fibro diagnosis, ptsd, cptsd, depression, anxiety etc. I have no health insurance, and so I neglect my health… I find myself so conflicted. I know this isn’t my fault. I know this was all him. Hell, I even know not all guys are like him but I cannot even bring myself to reach out to others for fear they will be like him because I haven’t fixed whatever was broken in me that made me pick a f***ing malignant narc in the first place. So I don’t date, nothing.
He works at a rehab. (He isn’t able to pass or unwilling to take licensing to be an actual therapist so he does grunt work for a rehab place.) It gives him direct access to the women he had been preying on his whole life… weak, mentally unstable, drug addicted etc… and when I found that out I couldn’t be silent anymore… He stole my kids and I am too afraid to deal with him to get them away.
My oldest son is a cold dead narc because of his father. I am scared to death of them both so I don’t dare come out of hiding to help the others but someone has to know…
Last time I saw my two youngest kids they were 5 and 6. The older one begged me not to make him go to his dads and CPS said it was already done and there wasn’t anything I could do about it,even after they assured me that he wanted nothing to do with the kids. He had them taken away and then said if I gave him a quick no contest divorce he would leave the kids alone… so I did and he got them flown out within a month of that from CPS …
I’m afraid of everything and I don’t even know why I am sending this, other than if something happens to me, there be a record that he pushed me to this life.
