Feel like you’re in a lull when it comes to your marriage? This is natural. What’s unnatural is sitting around waiting for the lul to pass.
Importance of Keeping the Spark Alive in a Marriage
The “spark” is that energizing feeling you get from your partner. The feeling of excitement when you see their face, or a jolt of electricity when you touch them. Despite the myth, the spark can and should continue past the beginning of your relationship. While you may not be in your honeymoon phase of the relationship, the spark doesn’t have to die.
You, your partner, and your relationship are in constant change. So it’s about finding new ways to keep the fire lit. If you’ve lost the spark, you can get it back.
Prioritizing Quality Time
Research shows that sexual satisfaction for men is 3.3 times greater and for women is 3.5 times greater simply because of making the commitment to connect with each other on a regular basis. You and your partner should want to spend time together. You need to spend time together in order to build up your connection.
It’s not always easy to find the space to have quality time together because life can fill up your calendar. But despite obligations and responsibilities, It’s crucial you find the time to be together, just the two of you. It doesn’t matter what you are doing as long as the attention is on each other. Quality time is simply about prioritizing each other and your relationship.
Carving Out Time For Each Other in Busy Schedules
Chances are your schedules don’t have giant holes which you can fill as you please. And chances are there will always be things that need doing. Therefore, you must be intentional when it comes to spending time with one another. You might not have a week you can spend together on vacation, or even a full day of uninterrupted time, but can you spare 20 minutes at the end of the day to talk?
Plan regular dates or special outings and make it routine. Schedule time with your partner the way you would anything else. You’re much more likely to develop a habit when it becomes a regular event. Spending quality time with your partner is no exception to the rule. Whether you commit to a daily walk, weekly date night, or monthly weekend away, make it a regular thing on the calendar.
Sharing an Experience Together
Research has found that sharing experiences brings couples closer together. You could do this by trying something entirely new or choosing to do something you both already enjoy. Travel is a bigger example of how you can make memories with your partner. But you can also achieve this on a smaller scale such as attending a local show or an art class.
Tips For Quality Time
Ideas for spending quality time together:
- Go for a walk or hike
- Have a coffee shop date
- Play a board game or card game
- Go to a museum
- Try cooking a new recipe
- Start a new ritual together
- Play games like “20 Questions” or “Would You Rather”
- Learn a new skill or hobby on the internet
How to make quality time count:
- Put away technology
- Make eye contact
- Affirm their words
- Ask thoughtful questions
Embracing Everyday Routines
You can incorporate your partner into your day in small ways, that make an impact.
Laughing and Having Fun Together
Sure sex is great, but it’s not the only thing that feels good. Laughter releases endorphins. Letting go and sharing a laugh is powerful in terms of bonding. Bring in humor to boost both of your moods. And don’t forget to be playful. Put on some music and dance with your partner while cleaning the kitchen. Race your partner to the car.
Making Small Gestures to Show Appreciation and Love
You don’t need to surprise them with a dozen roses or book a romantic getaway (although that would be nice). Small gestures, especially when done regularly can make an even bigger statement, Bring your partner coffee. Leave a note for them in their work bag. Send them a loving text message in the middle of the day. Whatever you do, it’s about conveying a message that says, “I’m thinking about you”.
Creating Rituals or Traditions that Strengthen the Bond
Establish greeting and parting rituals. When you say goodbye and come back together show your love for them – whether it’s a passionate kiss, a long embrace, or their favorite treat. Establish some type of ritual before going to sleep and again for waking up.
Enhancing Physical Intimacy
Research has found that there’s a strong bonding effect that lingers 48 hours after sexual intercourse. Known as the “sexual afterglow”, this phenomenon was shown to boost sexual satisfaction for the 2 days post-sex. The research published in Psychological Science also found that increased sexual satisfaction is connected to relationship satisfaction over time.
Trying New Things in the Bedroom
Whether it’s a sexual fantasy, a new sex position, a new way of touching, a change of scenery, just be open to trying. Maybe there’s something that you never knew you needed to make you feel more comfortable or that will ramp up the excitement. Try out a new toy. Incorporate porn or erotica. Sometimes all you need is to shake things up and try something new.
Don’t Forget About Foreplay
You can’t go wrong with a good makeout session or a sensual massage as a precursor to sex. But there are also less traditional paths to sex like sexting, which can start hours or even days before actually having sex. Build up the tension.
Talk About Sex
Good communication shouldn’t stop when the topic is sex. Share your likes and dislikes, fantasies, and desires. You may think you know what your partner wants, but like you, those things may have changed over time.
Including Non-Sexual Physical Intimacy
While we tend to think of sex with physical intimacy, small acts of physical intimacy can go a long way in lighting a spark. Meaningful touch helps build physical and sexual intimacy. Being conscious of incorporating small gestures, such as holding hands or having an arm on your partner’s shoulder, shows a desire to be close to your partner.
Make PDA a part of your everyday. Surprise your partner with an out-of-the-blue kiss. Touch their leg on the couch. Hold their hand in the car. There is a separation between physical intimacy and sexual intimacy. It is not necessary for physically intimate relationships to include sex. However, cultivating physical intimacy in a relationship with your romantic partner may help increase passion in your sex life.
Practicing non-sexual touch can help you and your partner feel closer. Plus, they say that foreplay starts outside the bedroom. Touch can also plant the seed for sex later on. For example, a passionate kiss in the morning can lead to sex in the evening.
Building Emotional Connection
Emotional intimacy is a closeness between partners where both people feel safe, secure, and free to their true selves. It’s a healthy intertwining of two lives. “The need to nurture emotional intimacy can’t be understated,” says Dr Jacqui Gabb, Professor of Sociology and Intimacy.
Here’s what emotional intimacy can feel like:
- Feeling safe in your relationship
- An abundance of physical affection and warmth
- Feeling that you know each other on a deep, meaningful level
- A sense of fun, playfulness, and shared humor
- A willingness to communicate and share your inner worlds
Engaging in Deeper Conversations
Deep, meaningful conversations are a surefire way to boost emotional intimacy. But don’t forget that talking can lend itself to bettering other types of intimacy too. Your sex life might be lacking because one of you wants more of an emotional connection. So improving one can improve the other.
Talking can seem incredibly simple while being simultaneously difficult. You spend a lot of time together. You’ve been together for years. What is there to discuss besides the usual?
Try to approach conversation with an attitude of openness and interest in your partner’s thoughts and feelings You may be surprised by the bonding that follows. Try making eye contact and asking “How are you feeling today?” or “How was your day?”. Think of questions you have never asked each other. Ask your partner about their hopes, dreams, goals, and fears. The increase in emotional and intellectual intimacy that comes from deeper conversations will strengthen your bond.
Practice Active Listening
Your partner, like everyone wants to feel heard. You can give them this gift by really listening to them. When they talk, turn towards them, lean in, make eye contact, and hold their hand. This shows them that you are tuned in and care about their words.
Show Appreciation
Show gratitude to your partner. Small, unexpected acts of love show them you care. Leave them a note, and send a thoughtful message. Get them a gift, give them a massage. Do something that lightens their load. Don’t forget to recognize what you love about them. Do little things, and do them often.
Be Playful and Flirty
Even if you’ve been together for many years, you can still be the person they fell in love with way back when. Remember to flirt and have fun with your partner. Date your spouse, woo your partner. Be spontaneous and turn something mundane into something exciting, even sexy.
Meeting With a Couple’s Counselor
Attending couples therapy can help you first understand what is missing in your marriage and what’s blocking you from having that spice you once had. For example, some couples find there is resentment buried under the surface. Or maybe it’s your communication skills that are preventing you from achieving real, fulfilling intimacy.
