Being in the therapy is a brave thing to do. Acknowledging that you need support and doing something about it is no small feat.
There are a lot of therapists out there, finding the right one for you is not always easy. You need to feel safe and comfortable with your therapist. You need to be able to trust them. Your therapist should provide you with insight, new perspective, and tools for making change.
It’s okay to switch therapists at any point. Therapy is all about self-improvement. If anything is getting in the way of that, why not remove it? Trust your instincts and prioritize your mental health.
Reasons to Break Up With a Therapist
You’ve been with your therapist for a few sessions, but it doesn’t feel right. You haven’t made any progress or you dread each session. It’s not easy to talk to them or you feel as though they “don’t get it”. There are a lot of reasons why it may be time to break up with your current therapist and find a new one.
Your Therapist Has the Floor More Than You Do.
Therapy, different from most relationships is not an equal give and take. In a therapy-client relationship, you should be talking more, and sharing more. It should be about you. You may not want to be in a friendship with a friend who does all the sharing and never asks about you, but in a therapy dynamic this is expected.
Therefore, you truly shouldn’t know much about your therapist. A bit of sharing here and there is fine if it is relevant and can help you relate. However, a good therapist should not be sharing unsolicited personal info with their client. A big red flag would be if they’re disclosing their issues with you. Again, the sessions are for you, and your improvement.
Advice and help are not the same thing. When it comes to therapy, help can mean a lot of things. It might mean the therapist is primarily listening. Help can mean asking questions and allowing the client to reflect on the answers. It can even mean sitting in silence. The therapist needs to know when advice is needed and how much. The therapist should not be overwhelming the client with advice, constantly telling them, what to do. Clients can have highly meaningful, productive sessions where the therapist doesn’t give an ounce of advice.
You’re Not Seeing Improvement
Therapy takes time to work. How much time can depend on factors like how often you see your therapist, type of therapy, your diagnosis, and your goals. While progress isn’t usually quick, change should come eventually.
If you feel like you’ve been at a standstill, make sure you’ve made a treatment plan with your therapist and goals have been outlined together. If you’ve been patient, you’ve been checking in with yourself and your goals, and see no progress, it’s probably time to switch.
You Don’t Feel Understood
It’s difficult to make progress if you’re feeling misunderstood in your sessions. Validation is an important part of the therapy process. Sometimes this is due to cultural differences or mismatched values or beliefs. While all therapists should be sensitive to the unique needs from every community, not everyone has the experience you need.
For example, someone from the LGBTQ+ community may want a therapist with an experienced background working with LGBTQ+ people, or be from that community themselves. This can enhance feelings of safety leading you to open up more, and find greater success with therapy.
You Have a Hard Time Talking to Them
Your therapist should create an environment that’s comfortable and allows you to speak openly and honestly. The content you talk about may be uncomfortable, but your therapist should make it as easy as possible to share. You shouldn’t feel judged or unsupported by them. Not all therapists have a naturally warm demeanor, but it may be something you need.
They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries
Part of a therapist’s job is to help you explore and try on things that are uncomfortable. They can help you take small steps to get out of your comfort zone so that you become open to new feelings, new experiences that benefit you. Confronting the uncomfortable is the way forward. However, a therapist shouldn’t be pushy. They definitely shouldn’t make you feel bad for saying “I’m not comfortable” or “I’m not ready or ready for that”.
You’re Too Dependent on Your Therapist
It’s important to feel comfortable with your therapist and to trust their guidance but sometimes that morphs into overreliance.
Signs you’re too dependent on your therapist:
- Constantly seeking approval or guidance from your therapist on even small decisions
- Difficulty coping without therapy sessions
- Calling, messaging them between sessions
- Feeling panicked, desperate if your therapist is unavailable
- Repeatedly needing validation from your therapist
If you identify with any of these, your reliance is at an unhealthy level, and it may be time for a clean break.
Preparing Yourself Emotionally for the Conversation
Breaking up is hard to do. This is true not only for romantic relationships. Take care of yourself emotionally during this transition by engaging in self-care activities that help you feel grounded and supported. This may include exercise, journaling, spending time with loved ones, or doing activities that bring you joy.
Remind yourself that your doing nothing wrong by wanting to switch therapists. You’re working on yourself, which is an incredibly positive thing.
Breaking Up With Your Therapist
How to Handle the Conversation
While it may feel easier to “ghost” your therapist, it probably won’t feel good for you in the end, (not to mention for your therapist). This is why conducting a sort of “exit interview” is not only best practice, it’s good practice for self-improvement.
In most cases, therapists understand the need for this kind of change. Therapists want the best for their clients. They want people to improve their lives – after all, that’s why they entered the profession! Therefore, they are not likely to be offended or take your decision personally.
Be honest.
Giving your therapist feedback about your experience and why you’re making the switch is helpful as they can use this feedback to improve their practice. Be prepared to answer questions that your therapist may have.
Reasons why it’s helpful to openly communicate your decision with your current therapist:
- It will help you find closure.
- You can identify what’s missing from your current therapeutic relationship
- It helps you understand what you want/need from your next therapist
When to Have the Conversation
Ideally, this conversation would be done in person, in a session. A virtual session is fine. You’d want to bring it up at the beginning of your session so that you don’t run out of time. However, if you’re feeling particularly uncomfortable, you can pursue an indirect route. You can send your therapist an email, message, or voicemail.
How to Bring Up the Topic
To begin, let your current therapist know that you are searching for a new therapist. You can provide a detailed reason, or keep it more general. You don’t owe them an explanation. However, being upfront about why you’re switching therapists can help them support you in this process.
If your reason for changing therapists is more straightforward, let them know. They may be able to help you find a therapist that fulfills your needs.
Clear reasons for switching:
- You want a therapist who comes from a similar background
- You want a therapist who specializes in a particular type of therapy
- You want a therapist who offers online therapy
- You want a therapist whose rate is lower or who offers a sliding scale
- You want a therapist who accepts your insurance
- You want a therapist with specific availability (evenings, for example)
How to Tell Them Goodbye
The director of UW Medicine’s Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, Molly Forrester provides the following ideas for breaking up:
- “When we started, I wanted to work on XYZ. But I am not finding any relief. I don’t think that this is working.”
- “I realize I need something different now, but thank you so much for what you offered me. I really appreciate it.”
- “I don’t feel as if we are a good fit and I don’t think it makes sense that we continue our sessions.”
Identify What You Want From Your Next Therapist
Reflect upon what you lacked with your current therapist and what you what you want moving forward. Here are some factors to consider when choosing your next therapist:
- Credentials and licensure
- Therapeutic approach
- Specializations and expertise
- Personal fit and rapport
- Communication style
- Cost and insurance
- Availability and scheduling
- Diversity and cultural competence
Final Note on Breaking Up With A Therapist
While the conversation may feel awkward, you’ll feel much better after. Sticking with a therapist who doesn’t fit your needs is a waste of time and money. Remember, therapy is about you!
