Sexual consent should be more than a simple “yes” at the beginning of an encounter; ideally, it is an ongoing dialogue between partners to check if they are willing and enthusiastic participants. Practicing continuous consent involves checking in with yourself and your partner throughout a sexual encounter to confirm mutual interest in escalating the activity. This process seeks consent at each stage rather than once and done.
This more nuanced approach to sexual consent is valuable for anyone committed to mindful communication around sex. It’s particularly beneficial when navigating intimacy with a new partner, managing relationships in which partners have differing levels of desire, or with those who have experienced trauma and require more deliberate care and communication regarding their bodies.
Rethinking the Traditional Consent Model
Many people view consent as a one-time agreement at the start of a sexual encounter. A partner might ask, “Are you in the mood?” and, if the response is positive, assume consent for the entire experience unless consent is revoked. While this approach is a good starting point for learning about consent, it can still lead to disappointing sex or morning-after regrets, especially if there’s an unspoken pressure to escalate the encounter despite a partner not feeling fully ready.
A More Thoughtful Approach: Continuous Consent
A more effective approach to sexual consent involves ongoing check-ins at different stages of intimacy—interest, arousal, and intercourse. This makes sure that both partners are in agreement and comfortable with each step of the process. Here’s what consent looks like at different stages:
- Consent to Explore Interest: Begin by gauging your partner’s interest in activities that initiate closeness and may spark desire, such as giving a massage, going out together, making prolonged eye contact, or watching a romantic movie. The key here is to enjoy these activities for their own sake, without the expectation that they will lead to something more.
- Consent to Build Arousal: Next, check in to see if you both are open to touch and stimulation aimed at building arousal, such as a more intimate massage, kissing, or petting. If you both agree, take the time to enjoy these sensations without assuming they will necessarily lead to intercourse. If one of you isn’t open to getting turned on or exchanging sexual energy at this time, accept this without taking it personally.
- Consent for Intercourse: When both partners are fully aroused, check in once more to see if you both truly want to continue with intercourse or penetration. It’s critical to recognize that either partner might choose not to proceed for various reasons, and it’s important to respect this decision without taking it as a personal rejection.
Why Continuous Consent Leads to Better Sex
Research and personal experiences suggest that sexual satisfaction is closely linked to a strong sense of internal consent and open communication, particularly for women. Continuous consent fosters better communication, deeper attunement to each other’s needs, and, ultimately, a more satisfying sexual experience.
One common challenge among couples is partners’ differing patterns of desire; some may have lower desire or experience responsive desire, becoming interested in sex only after some arousal rather than feeling interest spontaneously. Continuous consent allows these partners to explore activities that might interest them in sex with less anxiety and pressure.
Navigating Potential Awkwardness
It’s natural to worry that stopping to check in on consent might disrupt the flow of intimacy, especially with a new partner. However, research and anecdotal accounts indicate that more communication about sex tends to make sex better.
Some people might hesitate to get aroused if there is a chance that their partner may not want to continue with intercourse. It’s important to remember that sexual experiences with a partner should be a shared journey, not something one person can fully predict or curate. If you seek an experience tailored solely to your own desires, solo sex might be a more suitable option. Engage in partner sex when you are open to where it will lead based on your desires and limits and those of your partner.
As with any new practice, becoming comfortable with continuous consent takes time. With practice, you’ll learn to check in more regularly and explicitly, enjoy each stage of intimacy for its own sake, and navigate the moments when your partner chooses to pause or stop.
Conclusion
Continuous consent fosters a more intimate and satisfying sex life by ensuring both partners are comfortable and willing at every step. This approach deepens connection and trust, leading to more fulfilling sexual experiences. Whether it’s your first time together or you’ve been partners for years, getting communication and consent right is essential for great sex.
