Couple rituals can range from daily actions such as brushing your teeth together or always hugging one another before leaving the house to more elaborate ways of connecting, such as writing a list of the reasons why you’re thankful for one another at the end of each week. Regardless of the frequency or complexity, they are meaningful components of your relationship.
Researchers Campbell and Ponzetti (2007) found that rituals are significant predictors of commitment, and when they are implemented over time by partners, hold a positive meaning for them. Additionally, Gottman and Silver (2015) describe rituals of connection as moments that capture a couple’s shared vision. These rituals can foster a closeness between partners and a shared understanding. As rituals have been shown to be important in bringing members of a couple together, incorporating meaningful rituals into your everyday lives can strengthen the relationship between you and your partner.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel shares that while routines may help us get through our days, it is the rituals that help us in life. She distinguishes between routines and rituals and notes that routines are concrete, repetitive actions, such as jogging every morning. Rituals, on the other hand, are like maps that help us navigate situations. These maps can also enhance connection and intimacy.
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Creating the Ritual
It is important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to create a ritual. The goal is to do something meaningful on a consistent basis. These rituals need not be designed from scratch but may involve slightly altering activities that you are already engaged in.
Take, for example, hypothetical couple, Jaymee and Steve. They often spend their mornings multitasking—getting ready for work and engaging in activities that are important to them, such as catching up on the daily news and exercising. Rather than spend time connecting with one another, they wind up barely crossing paths, often forgetting to have a meaningful goodbye before rushing off to start the day. This can lead to feelings of disconnection over time.
Let’s re-examine their mornings.
- Instead of each exercising and listening to headphones or taking independent classes, they can opt for a partnered workout, in which they engage with one another. Or they can go for a walk or run around the neighborhood, allowing them to connect during this time.
- Instead of losing themselves in their phones while having coffee and eating, they can use that time to talk with one another about what upcoming daily events they are most excited about. They can also use this time to plan other ways to connect once they get home in the evening.
- Instead of rushing out the door, they can pause and intentionally connect with one another by embracing or giving one another a meaningful kiss when they exit the door.
No matter what you choose to do to create rituals, discuss your ideas with your partner so that you incorporate things that are meaningful to both of you.
